i am sleep talking 

i really really really wanna snuggle up under the duvet and fall asleep right now, but here i am unable to tear myself from my (finally fixed) laptop. i am terribly tired, socialising is indeed an energy sapping activity. its easy to guess that the easy way out would be to spend more time in my room or to be with the singaporeans all the time, but i truly dont wanna come halfway round the world for nothing, or to leave without being changed in one way or another. and even though its tough i do want to brace myself and try to get to know as many people as i can, cause even if everything comes to nought in the end, at the very least i will not look back in regret and disappointment.

went down to the bar for the holborn welcome party today and i tried to smile, say hello and introduce myself once or twice, and the silliest thing i did was to say to this brit guy after speaking to him for a while 'oh i like your shirt' even though it really was some crap graphic i couldnt even see clearly. i cringe at myself sometimes, haha but we all do insane things occasionally dont we. i still feel quite lost at the bar i confess, cos all i see are strangers around. then mansi's friend said sth which really made sense to me, '...gotta go down to the bar and hang out with random people everynight, they may be random now, but in a while they wont be anymore.' cleverly spoken. another thing, i have a drinking problem (not in the conventional sense i emphasize); just now i had a bacardi breezer with only 5% alcohol content and i became pinkish and warm, and started feeling a little woozy. but dont worry belle, i was really okay and i will not drink beyond what i can handle ;)

thanks to all who have faithfully kept the emails and tags coming in. thanks for caring even though im so far away, you guys make me smile ;)

three days in london 

its been a long time, three long days to be exact ;) i am in quite a rut cos my laptop is corrupted, got hacked into the first night i moved into holborn when i left my music and lan connection switched on the whole night (i din know better). its sucha vexing situation cos my laptop's my only means of communication with my friends back home, and also friends over here who haven got a local line yet (especially tien!). other than that ive been trying to get my life in order, i have got a local number, registered with lse, set up my bank account, unpacked my suitcases and boxes, and put up some photos in my room, they're really lovely ;) tomorrow's gonna be a busy day for me, will be going to the laptop surgery room with sarah (fen's neighbour from ny) whose laptop has also been acting up, then undergrad induction, then freshers fair, then govt department induction, then holborn welcome party at night, and in between all that ive got to squeeze in time to apply for my transport and student priviledge cards, and maybe accompany zk to oxford street and misata - this great jap restaurant.

these two days have been one helluva adventure i confess. ive been trying to get to know the non-singaporeans better, its tough most of the time, but i am constantly reminded what i came here for, and what i left my own comfort zone in sunny sgp for. my neighbours are all pretty nice, theres mansi whos an indian from hk, we get along really well and she hangs out with fen and me, theres lizzy whos a brit and shes taking govt so i guess il see her around alot in classes too, and theres katie whos from new jersey and really gorgeous, and probably the best cook among all of us. today after settling all the admin stuff in school, mansi, me, fen and her two neighbours, tallei who has lived in bahamas, canada n london, and sarah the yorker made a trip down oxford street together with tallei as our guide ;) i admit its tough talking on the same wavelength as the rest most of the time, and sometimes i feel like i dont know what to say and that il never ever be comfortable with them, but i guess such things that time and require alot more hard work than we expect.

anyway, i kind of just came back from my first party in london, it was some freshers party held at the bar in lse ;) fen, mansi, sarah and me din quite know anyone else there (i still dont really know any foreign guys yet) and so we pretty much walked from one area to another and got a drink while waiting for sharkie and the other banksiders to come. the music wasnt too good but dancing was fun, just shimmying all the worries away. to cut a long story short, i was compelled to return pretty early at around midnight with sarah and sharkie who offered to send us home, was quite upset cos i wanted to stay longer given that i paid 3quid to get in, and that the live band came on just as i was about to leave, but there will be lots of other chances to party i guess. my eyes r bloodshot n my head's stinging now, i think its the cranberry vodka kicking in though it was by any measure, very very mild.

living in a foreign land alone throws up so many surprising scenarios. mansi and i had a hard time deciding what to wear to the party cos we had to walk there in the cold, but it would be really warm in the dance area and after we drink. we both ended up wearing a halter, jeans, and heels, but guess what my toes completely froze on the way there and back and at some point of time i could not feel them anymore, haha. and other kinds of shit happen like when i finish my bath and realise that my towel is shedding fur cos i din wash it after buying it; or when i call home after getting my virgin mobile pay-as-you-go line and realise i just spent 2quid on a short overseas call, or when i cook instant noodles and they taste like crap all of a sudden. its difficult, yet at the same time i feel empowered by the chance to finally run my own life and take control of everything from my room decor to my grocery shopping to my daily activites. speaking of food, im kinda worried about my nutrition cos i cant cook, microwave food sucks, and packet food is too expensive. the only thing i can think of is to drink lotsa water, and thats what ive been trying to do to stay healthy ;)

to all at home, i still miss you. i have not be able to reply your emails promptly cos my laptop has been giving me alot of trouble, but i promise il set aside time for that once i get my laptop reformated. for the record, ive only really cried twice since i arrived. the first time was when i woke up in my new room for the first time at 8am on a sunday morning; i read a couple of email replies and started feeling so miserable when i realised it was 3pm back home - sunday blacks training. the second time was when my mum called me and told me to indulge in some good food once in a while, all of a sudden i wished she was here to buy my meals for me as she always did. but ive been strong otherwise ;) lastly dear rara and belle, hope your exams went well, i miss you two alot. some things are so difficult to let go, but hey its only distance and nothing else, if we put our hearts to it.

far far away 

hello from my little room in high holborn ;)

its been a long day. the send-off was kinda happy actually, thank you if you came to send me off, it really meant alot to me, even if i did not get to say much to you. it was only when i boarded the plane that reality sunk in, and so as the plane prepared to take off, fen and me set quietly on our seats sobbing away. i thought about all the things i would miss doing with my mum, i thought about shopping at oxford street without her, i thought about my dad and all the times he drove me around, i thought about what tabi said in her smses after i entered the gate, i thought about adam road memories after reading eve's note, i thought about blacks trainings, i thought about sentosa with rara and belle, i thought about silly moments with mojo and kid. at that moment all the reasons for going away seemed wrong; whats the point of embarking on an exciting new journey if the people who mean most to me are not gonna be there with me? whats the point of belonging to a rugby team if its not blacks? every now and then on the plane tears came, but hard as i cried, i also promised myself to leave those tears on the plane and not take them with me to london.

it feels surreal that i am finally in london, i see familiar landmarks i last saw in july and remember how i never expected this day to come so soon. well well, believe it or not, here i am now.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end 

goodbye goodbye, for the last time. i dun suppose i can put into words how i really feel right now, i dun suppose anyone will understand either, unless you've been on the other side of the glass panel yourself. but i promise i will be brave, il look ahead and not turn back, and il savour every moment of this wonderful opportunity the Lord has graciously blessed me with. goodbye, a new beginning awaits ;)

so now its over let the spot light fade
i hear the music slowly fade away
and now i find it hard to say goodbye
so i'll just say goodnight my friends

the end (we'll be together), the end (we'll live forever)
we'll all be together in the end
the end (although its over), the end (its never over)
we'll all be together in the end

if every moment is a memory
a faded photograph of days gone by
can i take a little piece of you with me
for when i leave this all behind

the end (we'll be together), the end (we'll live forever)
we'll all be together in the end
the end (although its over), the end (its never over)
we'll all be together in the end

come on, come on, come on, darling lay you head down
come on, come on, come on, little darling

help me baby cause i cant see the lights
im getting tired so i close my eyes
i need to look at you just one more time
and though its over, its never over until i see you again

the end (we'll be together), the end (we'll live forever)
we'll all be together in the end
the end (although its over), the end (its never over)
we'll all be together in the end
*the end by bon jovi

butterfly kisses 

my parents make me wanna cry sometimes.
dad: how are you coming home tonight?
me: i dont know yet.
dad: call me to pick you up any time, i wont go watch soccer tonight.

and my mum, i shant get started, il miss her so much. but im not good at words and speaking about my feelings, so i cant tell her how much il miss talking to her, or how much il yearn to laugh at the silly things she does, or how much i wanna make them proud of me. deep in my heart.

with all that ive done wrong i must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses
i couldnt ask God for more, man this is what love is
i know ive gotta let her go but i'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses
*butterfly kisses by colin raye

no turning back 

dear rara n belle, saying goodbye today was tough ;( im sorry i cant be there as we grow up and dream and fall in love these three years, but il be there in heart and mind, promise.

my last training. finally im at 100%, my legs pumping my arms propelling me forwards, at moments i felt speed and hunger i have never felt before. it was wonderful, i could see (tien, i bit the bullet and put on my contacts on both eyes, hah the crazy things i do), i ran like it was the last time, i did drills with eve n gina, i drank h2o from that uncle, i videocammed the girls in the toilet, i walked the usual route to adam road, i had prawn noodles and 'local delights' with the other juniors (hehe), i took the bus home with crys. as much as i have been able to savour my last moments with the team, i wish parting din have to be so abrupt - i still cant reconcile the fact that saturday will be the last time il be seeing all of them, theres so much i wanna say, and so much i wish you would say to me. but i cant turn back, cos you're not there.


of all the groups of people il miss, i know i will miss blacks the most. goodbye spe, goodbye farrer park, goodbye blacks. goodbye for now.

time enough for being braver 

my right eye is such a pain. something strange was growing in my lower eyelid, and it swelled so badly i had to see my doctor after swimming with dennis today. guess what she did, she used a needle to poke the blood and pus out, bah it was so painful i thought she was poking my eyeball and i was gonna go blind. haha, its a little better now but i dun think i can put on my contacts ;( like that how to train tmr, its the last, its the last training! for the lack of a better solution, think il just have to make do with running with one good eye and one blur eye. strange.

went back to the ballet studio to say goodbye to my ballet teacher today. i stepped in and everything felt so distant, its been a long time yeah, since i last danced for her and him, since i last did fouette turns, since i last put on my pointe shoes, since i last performed a classical piece, since i last walked out of the studio dripping with sweat, since i last had mos or sushi with the girls after class, since i last took the 76 bus home, since i last perceived myself a ballerina. today my dreams are all about rugby, that wont change, but i will always look back on the past and smile, ah the glorious sc concert, the syf heartaches, the happy and teary moments in the sc studio, the good ol days in the yamaha studio, our after-schools spent together, chapter closed.

so far, its been 2 bittersweet days of goodbyes, im trying to be happy, its only goodbye for now, see you in six months ;) dear mojo, the arcade day was one of my most fun days ive had in a while, thanks for letting me win (sometimes). dear ahgong, thanks for glutton square, yum yum oysters. dear den, thanks for the swim, believe it or not, il miss sunday swimmings with ya. dear kid, thanks for seeing me home, dun be sad, i promise we'll keep in close contact. clock is ticking, im left with 3 days with rara n belle, yier n jas, blacks, and my family. short, but surely sweet.

and ive been secretly falling apart 

i speak in riddles, so please pardon me. i realise that there are no 'one hit wonders' in the sport i play, or any other sport for that matter; you can be brilliant one day and ordinary the next and in the end you remain ordinary. today i was ordinary, perhaps sub-standard at times. the problem with me is that i find it difficult to play well in a team that i am new to, especially if one, i am the only newcomer, or two, i perceive myself a weaker player than some in the team. i shant analyse my performance today but i must say though i could have played better and though i din score any tries, i enjoyed myself, all the pre-match psyching up, the chasing and diving, and the nice tries by our seniors especially, ah im gonna miss all these fun in the sun. the contact rugby exibition match was a little tough for me, but lets just say i was so happy just to play ;) i screwed up though, basically the opposite team just ran ragged over me cos so many times i found myself the only man marking the two centres and the winger! i tried to tackle, but even if that succeeded how could i have prevented a 3v1 try; i tried to call the others to drift too, but the problem is that being relatively new i din know for sure if it was normal for the wings to go unmarked so i din dare continue calling when they din drift. okay that was dumb. but i love contact always n always, and im inspired, always n always, by her.

i disagree when people say theres no point comparing with others, that what matters most is having done ones best and all that crap. everything is relative and that is why we look at other people and wanna be as good if not better than them; who cares about doing ones best if that best isnt just enough to reach our dreams? i wanna be the golden girl she now is, fortunes turn dont they, but im not banking on fortune alone, im counting on myself. (now go solve the riddle)

i love the songs from 'wicker park', so sad so broken, just like me. i hate saying this but i hate it when i cant bear to leave, hey quit the melodrama yeah.

ive been watching your world from afar
ive been trying to be where you are
and ive been secretly falling apart, unseen
to me you're strange and you're beautiful
you'd be so perfect with me but you just cant see
you turn every head but you don't see me

sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first
sometimes, the first thing you want never comes
and i know, the waiting is all you can do
sometimes...
*strange and beautiful by aqualung

yellow memories 

our best touch league match ever ;) thats why i am (finally) happy and proud, even though the score against blacks3 read 7-1. solid defence in the first half meant that we were only 2 tries down at half time, our hardworking defence and sharp covers made it rather difficult for the other team to find their first try. in the second half, we let in another 2 tries before we pulled 1 back when rachel, God bless the girl and her good hands, caught the lob i passed to her after a dsp. at the very moment she scored the try, i was so happy, so proud, so satisfied. after that we were tired out and another 3 tries came in fast and furious as they managed to outrun us. but it doesnt matter, il always remember this match and how hard everyone fought on defence, and how hard everyone tried on attack. it was memorable.

two people i wanna thank: ailei, who showed me what being a good captain was about. though firm and authoritative on the field, she was never bitter when players did not turn up, she never put undue pressure on us and herself, and she always maintained a level of fun and laughter in the team. i look at her and look at what i was like in the past - demanding, quick tempered, even cynical, and i realise there is so much to learn from her. and tabi, who said she specially arranged this last match for us, i am touched. i hope i made her proud today when i dived to save the try, it was a small thing, but i dive only because i remember tabi always screaming at us to. i wish i could play so much better so i could make her so much prouder, one day maybe.

dear 'yellows', play with your hearts in all your future matches, just like how you did today. today truly made me fall in love with touch rugby once again - the explosive runs, the nimble sidesteps, the crucial dives, the sharp covering for each other, the well-worked moves, the satisfying tries, the teamwork. as i said to tabi, 'its been a long time'.

nobody said it was easy 

i dont say it, but you know you would have mattered the most to me on the morning of the 25th, yes it would have meant alot. but fate taunts me and you cant be there, though i wouldnt know for sure if you would come even if you could. ohwell fate dictates that she gets a goodbye wave from you through the glass panels and i dont, isnt life is such a pain. then again whats so difficult i wonder, six months i did not see or speak to you, whats another six? moved on, i do not want to make the same mistakes again, i do not long for the past anymore, but il still miss you, and i dunno why. this song came on at the end of 'wicker park' and you guessed it, the tears just could not stop coming.

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

tell me you love me come back and hold me
oh, when i rush to the start

nobody said it was easy
oh, its such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
im going back to the start
*the scientist by coldplay

at least there will be no teary affairs on that day then.

hey dennis the menace, 

you're the best cousin i could ever ask for, thanks for being the brother i never had. and so much more.

as part of den's so called 'feed the scholar campaign', i got a lunch treat at al dente at the esplanade today ;) dun ask me, i din come up with the campaign, he did, and the 'feed the tourist campaign' will kick in once he ords and comes to london to visit. did i mention, i was so happy last night when i found out he passed his ippt and would be out of tekong for two weeks, i almost let out a cry of hooray at the adam road food court. anyway, the food was pretty good, nice calamari rings and portobello mushrooms, but the place was not as posh as we imagined, maybe it was due to the fact that it was lunch and not dinner. doesnt matter, its the company that counts.

i know il miss you so much den, we have had the funniest of experiences together. when we were little, we were at the beach and swan so far out i almost drowned and he just nonchalently swam back to shore; i had to be saved by this kind man, gosh i could have died. another time during swimming lesson, we were knock off our floats by some timed swimmers and because we couldn really swim, we had to cling on to each other and take turns to push the other down and come out of the water to breathe, until our coach finally noticed us. then there was the time he threw eggs and the front door of grandmas house after i quarrelled with him. and then when i was in sec4 and he in poly1, we went to japan together, just the two of us; and of all things to happen we had a big disagreement in disneyland, so my only memories of disneyland is that of trawling the place all alone, tragic ah. and how could i forget our traditional chinese new year midnight movie (sorry i dunno whats gonna happen next year), our swimming lessons every sunday, our productive and fun shopping sessions, our love for intellectual satirical movies, our meals at snoopys place, and all the times he was there for me, just a call away and and i could find out what bus to take, what was wrong with my computer, what model of this and that to buy. bah, you'll be so sorely missed.

the hands of time 

wednesday training. we're back to the sprints again, well almost la, did 300m, 150m, 80m, 40m, 3 sets each. theres something about sprints that thrills me, all the torturous 4321s we used to do - the mental aspect and the feeling i get when i stride and stride and say to myself 'just run, this is nothing.' okay, i wasnt exactly capable of pushing myself 100% today, i could have pushed harder, yeah but it still felt good and i will keep working on it. after the sprints we had leg conditioning on the slope, some abs drill, some knee lift drill, and fun touch, so today was kinda power packed, but i dare say its still at a relatively low level as yet. wish i could go on the bangkok trip! (but that's out of point huh). anyway i was so pooped and wet and dirty after training i passed on mambo nite, now im feeling kinda sad cos tim's leaving on sat n todays ken's birthday; and i could do with some getting high and all. but yeah, theres always a trade-off so too bad.

in an attempt to excite myself over my coming departure, ive taken to shopping. i was at ps every single day the past four days buying stuff (and having goodbye dinners with close friends of course), and today i went down to compasspoint and got 2 locks, 2 toothbrushes, a sewing kit, hair bands and hair ties, a box of plasters, a roll of tape, and a photo editing softwear that freaking refuses to work. well i dare say this is working, looking forward to packing myself off to london, to living the dream, to living independently, to playing rugby 15s, to seeing the world. woohoo, here i come!

tien, today i woke up and thought to myself 'shit tien has really left'. yeah we're gonna meet again halfway round the world, but its not gonna be the same is it? in any case, have fun in pretty paris ;P

la. la. la. 

packing my stuff, blasting my music, feeling like shit. i dun wanna meet for dinner, i dun want it to be the last time i see you, my dears.

isnt it like me, to want to say
things i cant explain in simple ways
why should i be sane
why cant i be crazy

sometimes im up, sometimes im down
i choke on words and make no sound, sometimes
sometimes im weak, sometimes im strong
living with the fear i dont belong, sometimes

why is it so hard to know myself
underneath this skin you'll find someone else
dont be so suprised
when you look inside me, inside me

sometimes its black, sometimes is white
you hide behind electric light, sometimes
sometimes i swear, sometimes i pray
suddenly the guilty dissobey, sometimes

sometimes im weak, sometimes im strong
living with the fear i dont belong, sometimes
sometimes i stand, sometimes i fall
i throw myself against the wall, sometimes

sometimes i sink, sometimes i swim
tell me why my world is caving in, sometimes
sometimes its sweet, sometimes its raw
trying to get so high like i did before, sometimes

sometimes in love, sometimes in hate,
sometimes it's all a big mistake, sometimes
*sometimes by natalie imbruglia

this is how we bond 

over beer and tears, and training the next day.

jade bar last night was curious new ground, but truly unforgettable. after all our touch league matches yesterday, a handful of us blacks girls - half seniors half juniors, found ourselves huddled around a little table in jade bar winding down. we heard life stories that il cling on to forever, and we celebrated rad's birthday in style. we were taught how to drink our cointreau orange - do not swallow, gurgle in your mouth till you see my signal, then swallow, then take a deep breath in, before we knew it the burning sensation began to smudge our noses, throats and lungs. and suddenly to me, everything became a little dimmer, a little slower, a little dreamier. maybe i was high, but i felt like i was floating off to somehere far and happy, where i could laugh and hug and tear all at the same time. i now know why some people choose the other side, sometimes it can really be too inviting, too tempting to resist. this morning when i woke up, it felt like a sudden jolt from a beautiful dream. tragic. but anyway i was happy tabi was there last night, and many thanks jane for sending us home.

todays training was centred on line-outs (being lifted is exhilarating, though i probably will never be lifted in a real game since its unlikely that i will be a forward.) after that we played a 15s game, in which i was pretty lost three quarters of the time. where is the hunger, where is the heart? ditto for yesterdays touch league match, yes i could see flashes of brilliance, but did we really try hard enough? i dun wanna always be this sad dissatisfied underachiever all the time.

where do i go from here? will you always be there for me?

cant take the distance 

could not stop crying. dun be mistaken, its not that i cant let go of you, i have, and so have you, long long ago. its just that seeing you and the cute things you do remind me of the past, and thoughts of the old times somehow make me cry, though i admit the past is not something i would like to return to anymore. i still dun get why you are (almost) the only one who can make me cry just like that, i guess it was the thought of this being the last goodbye in a long long while (who knows if i can still find you when i come back), coupled with the overall raw feeling of leaving in two weeks, coupled with the freaking sad songs the movie kept playing. but yeah, din get to say this just now, thanks for the movie and the nachos ;) ive moved on, i really have, then why does my heart feel like its being spun round and round in a blender, why did the tears come so quickly. maybe baby, i just cant look at you any other way, so its a good thing im leaving yeah? with my heart i wish you all the best, il keep the pictures and selected memories, il try looking for you when i come back, and in the meantime we'll both get on with our lives, as if nothing ever did happen. take care, take care my friend, may all your dreams come true ;)

and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever did recieve
*sweetest goodbye by maroon 5

run like a fool and you might just make it 

because rara and i did not go for nus social touch rugby in the end, i went to run on my own. i know i have always professed my dislike for running, but today i wanted to run so badly i just slipped my shoes on and went 6 rounds round the field downstairs (in between the short one hour i had from coming back from loh's house to meeting yoda for dinner). the reasons for my sudden desire to run must seem contradictory: one, i wanted to get run out all the emotional baggage from my system, and two, i wanted to relive the long runs we used to have during trainings. and so i ran, starting off fast then losing speed, then saying to myself 'come on, faster faster', pushing, struggling all the time, as always. the perspiration that dripped from my skin felt good, its like tears flowing from the eyes, you feel as though everything is being released physically, all the unsaid words, the unfelt emotions. now i feel lighter, lighter, happier ;)

run away, leave all your worries behind you
run away, run for your life never turn back
run away, run from the wrong that surrounds you
run away, run like a fool and you just might make it

run away, follow the voice deep inside you
run away, follow the sun find a new life
run away, run from the lies that destroy you
run away, run like a fool and you just might make it
*run away by chicago

this time will pass 

(im sorry) we were wrong.

you've got to get yourself together
you've got stuck in a moment
and now you cant get out of it
dont say that later will be better
now you're stuck in a moment
and you cant get out of it

i never thought you were a fool but darling look at you
you gotta stand up straight carry your own weight
these tears are going nowhere baby

and you are such a fool to worry like you do
i know its tough and you can never get enough
of what you dont really need now, my oh my

and if the night runs over and if the day wont last
and if your way should falter along this stony pass
its just a moment, this time will pass
*stuck in a moment by u2

five thoughts tonight 

1. i need to improve on my game. din play well during training today, i let in 3 tries in a row cos my ball was intercepted! -gasps- yeah, and i kept running behind my teammates allowing myself to be 'shepherded' (which is a foul), and our bucks move still did not work. actually its been very very long since i last scored a try too, but im gonna keep my head up for nus social touch tmr and our league match on sat. i admit i do feel a little upset about my current standard of play, when n how can i improve..? guess i just gotta keep playing hard.

2. it was a good thing that tien left her ankleguard at spe cos we had a good talk on the way back there to get it. managed to sort out the issue that has been lingering in our minds, gonna move on and focus on our rugby in london ;) gosh i still feel so stupid sometimes.

3. why cant you stop complaining? i though you were that great, then why cant you endure something so much less demanding than what so many others are being put through? i wish you would just be a man.

4. dear kaikeow, hope everythings fine over at your side halfway round the world and that your accomodation has been settled ;) i really really really miss you so, as i always do.

5. ive been neglecting my parents, been returning home really late the past few days and been rejecting all the days theyve suggested for our dinner at my fave restaurant. really thankful though that they haven attempted to take control of my last two weeks here by grounding me or banning rugby trainings or anything. mm i guess its gonna be a lil difficult for them when i leave since im the only child, il miss them too, so i had better start spending more time with them before i leave...

baby be brave 

making memories. sleepover with rara and belle at rara's lovely little room in kent ridge hall last night. it started off with a crazy photo taking session with the use of the mirror, and then i played on the laptop while rara n belle revised/prepared their work, then it was time for supper before our long girl talk together on the bed. it was good, baring our hearts to each other, laying all our cards down as if there was no tomorrow. this morning we had macs breakfast and i went for belle's torts lecture which i really liked (it's dumb, but sometimes i wunder why reading law never crossed my mind). after the lecture i went back to rara's room to sleep while she did her work, so glad we'd be meeting again on thursday for social touch rugby, yay ;D

dinner with rj touch ruggers this evening, crys tien lynn eve fen n me. im really happy we had such a happy wild time together! crys super late as usual, lynn dropping food all over her thighs, fen and her silly out of point comments, tien and her iron thighs, eves little wednesday dilemma, and funniest of all, our proposed blog titled 'rafflestouchtienironthighs.blogspot.com' ;P dumb right, but we all couldnt stop laughing at it, and at lynn's two lame jokes too ;P after that we all went looney taking photos, there were sleeping shots, enlarged 6times shots, puffy cheeks shots, candid shots, act cute shots... im so thankful touch rugby brought us together, screwed up as our team was in the past, hehe. quite pooped right now, been settling alot of other stuff the past two days too: bank accounts, meningitis jab, jeans n rugby shorts, duvet covers n laundry bags n boxes at ikea, rugby boots at queensway(unsuccessful), wallet n cd case n cap (all unsuccessful). wish i could get everything done so there would be more time for other more important things and precious people...

tien and i were talking today, and then it struck, 'its just a club'. how true. does it really matter to them or her? and a couple of months down the road would it matter to us anymore? i hope so, but i am sure one day we'll look back on this and feel so silly and childish. its sad, but we're probably one of the many who have crossed her path, so why are we making it seem so difficult and painful? life goes on, sure il miss them in many ways, but i am as strong as i think i am.

but baby be brave
cause whats the point of it all
whats the point of it all yeah
baby dont blow it
tell me whats it all for
if you're not terrified to fail
*baby be brave by the corrs

too little too late 

just last night i was wundering to myself, three more sunday trainings, will i ever get to experience the infamous farrer park 'mud field' in the rain before i leave... and it rained today! the occassional shower every now and then made the field very nice to play in, a little wet and muddy, but not waterlogged or too dry. contact training today was way fun, we did some runs and ball handing drills, and then the 8 man scrum for the 15s game. i was the in the second row together with eileen in our scrum group, and what we had to do was to bind together, squeeze our heads between the knees of our hook and prop, and push with the momentum of the number eight pushing behind us. sounds easy, but we had quite a hard time getting our heads in between the tightly binded hook and prop, having our heads and ears all squashed up, and being smacked in between the front row and the number eight. haha, and when eileen and i were doing the scrum drill, gene called us fighting ostriches cos we were standing too high with out butts sticking up ;P todays training was tremendously enjoyable for me nonetheless, especially roughing it out in the scrum, and following jane as one of the 'loosies' in the stimulated play later on. well i guess i still like 7s more, but im sure im also gonna have a wild time playing 15s over in uk ;P unfortunately the sudden downpour disrupted training and we ended early today, so eight of us juniors found ourselves at mos in bugis chatting and laughing over gelato n fries. nice moments.

saw her walking slowly into the stadium during the halftime of my blacks2's touch league match yesterday - a simple knee guard that made it seem like nothing was wrong (but it isnt so). my heart cracked, why oh why did she have to suffer this terrible injury, why oh why did it have to be her. anyway seeing her also charged me up, i desperately wanted to play a good game, but alas i dumbly let in a 2v1 try at the wing. after subbing out, i realised that she had moved nearer to our sidelines and was making a few calls for us, and just at that moment i felt very down. i wanted so much to ask her how her knee was, how long would she be out of action, how was she feeling and all, but i din have the freaking guts to. after the match, i walked past her, picked up my bag and left the stadium for loh's house, without a single word of concern or furtive glance into her deep dark eyes. damn useless. and then today at mosburger, pris recounted most guiltily how the freak accident happened, and how she felt when she heard her suddenly screaming in pain on the ground. i din witness what happened that day up close as i was on the sidelines far from the try line, but that painful scene cant stop replaying in my mind, again and again and again. she'll never know, but il be wishing and praying hard deep down in my heart that her op will go well, and that she will recover fully in the least time possible; that she'll take the field again as the inspiration she always was, though i would already be halfway round the world by then, too far away to see this happy day when it comes.

i'm alone, i'm alone
and i'm beating my soul to make it bleed a drop of hope
then i'll drink it up in a golden cup and let it grow inside

and i fear that you've gone away
but you must be somewhere near
*bleeding by six pence none the richer

for what its worth it was worth all e while 

the party was lovely ;) at first loh and i were rather nervous, wondering if we would end up just feeling unsocial for the whole night, but everything worked out just good. just wanna thank everyone for coming, for saying goodbye to me even though you might not know most of the other people or even though we werent particularly that close before. thank you for turning up, thank you loh for your house and all the sacrifices youve made for this party, thank you yoda, stitch n congz for coming early to help us, thank you den for being there, thank you all for all the love, well-wishes, presents n sweet memories.

kept smiling and looking cheery throughout the night, but deep down inside it all feel so surreal. some of these people, i might never see again till next year, or maybe forever. bittersweet bittersweet.

lets get it started 

been up downloading songs, i had better turn in soon, long day ahead. breakfast with blue sharkie, collect ice cream from crepes and cream, go over to loh's house to send the ice cream/ drinks/ cheesecake there, start setting up the place with loh, brinjal, stitch n yoda, touch rug league match against src2 at 720pm, then back to loh's house for our goodbye party. i guess this is it huh, i wonder if you'll really come.

lets get it started, in here!

You set my feet to dancing 

something funny has come over me today: i cant stop wanting to dance. just now when i was walking along the two long corridors over to the HR dept to return my passes and my report, i suddenly wanted to jump up and do cabrioles and split jetes and all the breathtaking ballet jumps. well i couldnt cos every now and then some lone soul would be walking along the same corridor too and i din wanna look looney, but when i reached the staircase i couldn control any longer and did a little cabriole. on the way back along the same corridors, i couldn resist a pirouette and of all times, this guy had to pop out from nowhere and catch me in the act. i could have just died on the spot, but good thing he disappeared into the washroom very quickly, i suppose he must have felt embarrassed for me too ;P anyway, i can only think of two possible reasons for my funny behaviour today: number one, my new adidas shoes. they feel a little like dance shoes cos they are very cushioney and quite soft so i can actually point my feet in them thus making me wanna jump up and dance. either that or number two, im too happy its my last day of work, haha.

good thing i have dance class at 5678 tonight, if not il possible be dancing along the corridors of airline house like someone gone looney. this brings to mind the many times during dance prac in rj when i would suddenly feel like tackling someone. brinjal would always be my target and she'd freak out as i charge at her trying to tackle/ lift/ flip her, and then she'd exclaim 'nuggget stop it!' haha, the good ol' days.

tears for fears 

and so, i failed my driving test today. i never say it enough, but driving has always been to me a symbol of complete independence, and thats why ive always dreamt of the day when i can finally sit behind the wheel all by myself. its not gonna be anytime soon i guess, how bitter the taste of failure is. yet yet, i believe God has a purpose, i think i know His reason but i guess i shall not say it out. in His time, yeah.

supposed to go to loh's house today the vet the music for saturday but she could not make it back in time, so i went to town to kill time while waiting for yoda. its strange i keep bumping into anand hehe, met him twice while crossing two different roads, and to think i just bumped into him last saturday at spe ;P anyway i bought a pair of black adidas shoes, well i always have the tendency to splurge when im in a lousy mood, and buying the shoes did cheer me up! haha. went to simlim with yoda after that to get our laptop accesorries, my red theme is coming along good: red mouse, red thumb drive, red lan cable, and red cds ;P okay that sounded a little silly, but i am silly anyway. yay last day of work tomorrow, going wild for the next three weeks!

make the best of this test and dun ask why 

4 more wednesday trainings, 3 more sunday trainings, 3 more league matches to sweet surrender. its not goodbye forever, only goodbye for now, so whats there to be sad about? il be back, im gonna hold on to my promise and make them proud of me, and now i will smile and savour the moments. so make the best of this test and dont ask why, boy this song makes my heart ache with a soft gentle throb.

another turning point a fork stuck in the road
time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
so make the best of this test and dont ask why
its not a question but a lesson learned in time
its something unpredictable but in the end its right
i hope you had the time of your life

so take the photographs and still frames in your mind
hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
for what its worth it was worth all the while
its something unpredictable but in the end its right
i hope you had the time of your life
*time of your life by green day

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS