come crashing down 

feeling down. our match against st mary's at twickenham later has just been called off by them. if there was one thing i wanted most this week, it would have been to play in this rugby match - my first league match for the college, battle scars, twickenham the mecca of england rugby, oh just to play the ball and tackle someone. just let me play, i dont wanna wait one bloody week.

just looked at photos of the wedding, it feels warm yet raw to see everyone as they are now, to imagine what theyre doing now, and to feel so far away. wish i was there. rugby here is so different from what i wanted it to be, so different from home; i dont deny that partying and drinking with the team is worth the experience, but surely i want more than that: i want gritty trainings, i want experiences on the field, i want achievements to call my own after my 3 years here.

ah well, as you can see, im not feeling that great right now.

a page in my story 

its been one month since the 25th of september. where does the story start? scenes from the airport which still bring a dull ache to my heart, very very very depressed mornings for a week or two, foam parties beach parties and the week i drank everynight, monday morning jog with tien at regents park - one week she overslept the next week i did, sleepy busrides to stratford and warwick, my first rugby match in lse colours at berrylands, the day my white jeans and white top and white towel turned blue after the wash in the machine - the same day i walked to sainsburrys at 9pm in flipflops to buy bleach and clearance food, christian union dinner at a pub, head buried in plato plato plato and still not finished, new classes where i either feel freaking dumb or freaking smart, late night conversations with my flatmate, tuna bread and banana packed lunch everyday to cut expenditure, running our lungs out to sainsburrys before closing - we didnt make it in time but they let us in all the same, walking in the rain (all the time) head hooded and hands in pockets, new friends i wanna hold on to - a suttoner, a bulgarian, a yorker, a manchesterian, a londoner, a hongkonger, a hungarian, many singaporeans. i could go on and on, but how can mere words encapsulate the story of my first month here.


look! ive been saving money, i had an all green week (a 'green day' is a less than 10quid day). its not easy living life like that i guess, but i couldnt possibly live with myself splurging my parents money on my little indulgences here like that, so im trying to survive solely on my allowance. we'll see. next week's gonna be quite a challenge though, but im looking forward to so many things: boat party, mamma mia, rugby match against st mary's, watch some european cup rugby match with tien, daryl down in london and london eye ;)

temper. mine's been quite a monster of late. i hate it when i lose my temper at someone, i never used to, did i. most of the times its entirely my fault and i feel so silly after that, but there are some things i cannot and refuse to tolerate. dont make use of other people. dont freeload. dont tell someone to do something to another which you would not want being done to yourself. dont say the things you dont mean. (dont read too much into these words of mine here).

ohyeah, glory glory man united. we kicked their arses huh.

made to be broken 

and i'd give up forever to touch you
cause i know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now

and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later it's over
i just don't want to miss you tonight

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

i just want you to know who i am
*iris by goo goo dolls

before i let me down again 

sometimes we break the promises we make to ourselves. i missed the season opener against brunel today, because i chose to run for the singsoc exco at the agm. you know and i know that before i came, i wanted so bad to play rugby here against the best there was, oh how i dreamt of going back in glory a much much much better player. i still wish for that, but im skeptical now, because as much as i could feel everyone fighting our hearts our on the field last sunday, the intensity of the trainings or the spirit of the team feels nowhere near that of blacks. okay i digress. i love rugby, i love it that im playing here enduring the cold and the hard slams that come my way, and im gonna achieve something while im at it. and then im committed to the exco. i dont see why i cannot find a balance between both, and im not gonna allow myself to miss a single rugby match from now on, i promise.

i have been so busy with school, rugby, christian union, occassional parties, and lotsa late night conversations with largely bob or liz that i haven missed home in a while. but every now and then i miss the familiarity of home, i picture certain places in my mind and my heart aches inexplicably; my neighbourhood, farrer park field, serangoon gardens chomp chomp, holland village, plaza sing, compasspoint, siloso beach, jade bar, spe. i cannot imagine the day i find myself in these places anymore, i am far far far away.

my last long weekend 

was one helluva crazy weekend, all play and no work.

it all began on friday which was my free day since classes only start next week, shark and i took the tube to hammermsmith for good shopping. i bought a white marshmallow jacket for (only) 10quid, a sports jumper for training for 5quid, a pair of gloves, a beanie for bob, a pail and brush to scrub my muddy clothes, and chocolates and toffee bakewells to snack on at home -yum- on the way back to the hammersmith tube station, a burly black guy approached us to do a dvd survey and enticed us with a chocolate bar in return. deprived poor students as we were, we followed him and two black women up this dodgy flight of stairs, half regretting it and half expecting to get mugged, imagine our relief when we saw a nice room with ibm laptops for the survey at the end of the stairs. yes we got our choc bars too, but i cant believe we actually took the chance there ;P we took the tube to knightsbridge deciding on a whim to visit harrods since we had a day travelcard. we only had eyes for the food halls and so we spent our time mazing in and out of the various food halls drooling at every chocolate, doughnut, beef, oyster, fudge, cake, (you-get-the-idea) on display. deprived poor students as we were, we eventually spent 2quid on a krispy kreme doughnut and hazelnut danish which we shared. ive resolved to save as much money as i can so that when my family come in dec, i can give us all a treat at the lovely little ice cream bar at harrods ;)

later that friday i went to for the christian union girls movie night at a house at guilford street, afterwhich i promptly lost my way at -gasps- kings cross on the way to the lse foam party; the rain made matters worse and i was cold and wet and scared and unable to get the right directions from anyone. somehow or another i ended up at the farringdon tube station and spent the next ten minutes firguring out how to connect to the holborn tube station where shark was waiting. the foam party was way fun, it was so crowded and the foam just made everyone go wild and do silly things, and the music was awesome. it was by far the best 'crush' (lse party every friday) ive been to, and we stayed right till the end of the party at 2am, with loh and mari staying over at my place. yak yak yak and we finally slept at 4am.

my alarm rang at 6am on saturday and i had to stagger out of my place to meet in school for the singsoc trip to stratford-upon-avon and warwick. bus ride was spent sleeping and when we reached there a bunch of us didnt wanna pay the exhorbitant entrace fees to the numerous shakespeare attractions so we explored the area instead. we ended up at this enormous safeway supermart where we happily spent our time doing grocery shopping for the week, ditto for warwick where we ended up exploring the little shops instead of touring warwick castle. it feels kinda silly now travelling so far just to do nothing but grocery shop, but the company made it worth the while, especially wayne and his lame jokes every 3minutes. read: short fart (haha ;P)

and today i played my first rugby match for the lse womens rugby team in a friendly against essex. we whacked the fats out of them 32-0, and it was a perfect start to the season especially with our season opener on wednesday. ellie, a third year, and me played the scrumhalf positions in alternate quarters, and happy as i was to wear the number 9, i felt kinda lost neither belonging in the strict sense to the forwards or the backs. i am still so unsure about so many things, like where to stand hence conceding a couple of penalties; and in the first 2 quarters, we had non contested scrums and this bloody flanker kept blocking me when i was attempting to tackle the other scrumhalf, she pissed the hell outta me, but alas i din really know if what she did was actually allowed. i also kept running into the backs line to play the ball, and only learnt later from k and ellie that my job was to pick up the ball and pass it out in any scrum or ruck or maul, but that seems kinda boring no? tackle wise, i started off with much guts but after this big girl landed on my chest and made me cut my lip, i kinda held back quite a bit which absolutely sucked. bah. nonetheless i loved every minute i spent on the field, running around in the long sleeved purple and yellow and black jersey and my bright yellow socks. and yet i miss blacks too; the ref called our team black and the other team red and more than once i found myself yelling 'go blacks' to my utter amazement after that. they do seem so far away right now, but receiving the email with tabi's advice last night brought a smile to my face. looking foward to our season opener, but theres the singsoc agm on that day and one has to be sacrificed for the other ;( went to the metropolitan tabernacle after training, and the warmth of the people there makes me think thats gonna be my church for the next 3 years. praise the Lord.

now its back to reality, classes start on monday and i haven done a single reading or work the whole weekend. i am so dead.

a little teaser 

(more on trip to stratford-upon-avon and my weekend up soon)

brr its cold in here 

"...one factor that puts children off playing sport in England in winter is the cold climate. Some nights I would be walking through a snowstorm to get to training...my fingers would be numb with cold, my feet frozen."

i quote my favourite rugger, jason robinson in his autobiography 'finding my feet' - i feel exactly that way, the cold english weather is standing between me and my rugby. today we (coughed out 4.7quid to) troop down to richmond in zone4 for a rugby clinic by the england womens rugby coaching team, imagine my excitement. in fact, it was unsually sunny and relatively less chilly in the morning and on the way to school i envisioned great moments rolling around lovely green fields ahead. but no. once again i had to endure rugby training in wind and rain, and having not learnt from the past i was wearing only my blacks tee, canterburry shorts and knee socks, leaving out my jumper and trackpants from my exploding bag. it was painful, my hands froze so bad i had to keep them in my pockets all the time; then i remembered what tabi said about moving cold fingers continously to keep them warm, i tried to but by that time my fingers could only move really slowly and i even had trouble tying my laces. i left richmond today with sore knuckles (they still are) n tiny lumps forming in the veins of my hands.

the rugby clinic was by any measure pretty basic, the notable things i picked up today were offsides in rucks and mauls, and a more agressive way of tackling where you literally lift the opponent off the ground. then we played a match which was good in that i scored one, but more so bad because i did not make a single successful tackle and was merely ball watching for the most part. there were so many reasons for this: bigger and tougher opponents, grabbing the hips instead of the knees, and my frozen hands which sometimes stayed in my pockets; the sandy grass must have played a part too for i was rather put off by any form of contact due to the painful abbrasions from falling. ah, sometimes i can be such a wimp, but hey gimme farrer park field anytime ;P we have a friendly on sunday and league matches every wednesday from next week, so i must pysche myself out to commit to effective tackles and play with heart. but now, ive gotta deal with my muddy and grubby blacks tee which i have been soaking in my sink but dont know how to wash. -sigh- it means so much to me.

life has been both quickening up and slowing down for me. quickening in the sense that there has been something for me to do almost every day and night such that i haven got any time to sit down and clear my backdated work at all, slowing in the sense that i feel myself wearing out and losing the hungry willingness to make and keep new friends. complacency and comfort zones, oh the dangers of the two. but food is the greatest danger i dare say, physical hunger is something that plagues me every second of the day! once i had 7 pieces of toast for breakfast and lunch, another time i had huge fish and chips and instant noodles for dinner, and every night i snack on cereal cookies and biscuits for supper. no, spare me the freshman fifteen please.

its drizzling outside my window now and out of nowhere, i miss the familiarity of home. but well this is home now, and i know three years from now, i shall miss the familiarity of this very place. quite tragic when you think about it, but worth the while in any case ;)

"Hope is something none of us can be denied. If I am seen to have excelled at the game of rugby, it is because I followed a dream. I am proof that if you put your heart, your mind and time into something, you can achieve what you want." -Jason Robinson

brave new world 

sometimes i stand back from the flurry of activities surrounding me these days and i imagine myself returning home after three years. its only been two weeks but i know for sure i will miss these days dearly and look back on this wild ride with such immense fondness and pride. yes there are still moments when i miss home and feel lost all by myself, by increasingly i find myself falling in love with this unforgettable experience - living independently as a university student, going to school with my flatmates and friends i meet along the way, walking the cold london streets in my marshmallow jacket, growing accustomed to the whole new british culture and (somewhat inefficient) way of living, fooling around with my fellow singaporeans, and just getting to know people from every corner of the world: bulgaria, scotland, poland, america, france, nepal, sri lanka, korea, argentina, blah blah blah ;) in the past two weeks i have found myself striking up conversations with compete strangers far more times than i believed i would have dared to, and in this way i feel myself growing up in more ways than one.

i just came back to my room from lizzy's room, we were playing this pig game where you basically throw two pigs and earn or lose points depending on the position they land in, haha. we also had a long chat on random topics like demoracy, chinese names, gap year, british tv soaps, laundry, and we also made grand plans about having a pizza and games night with our three other flatmates, catching the movie 'shark tale', and having a birthday dinner together ;) to be more detailed, lizzy has some muscle problem which makes her unable to walk long distances so she has to ride a battery scooter to get around, but in the few times ive walked to school with her and accompanied her to get her room appliances, i have had so much fun with her. friendship takes time, and definitely more than two weeks; slowly but surely, i hope i will be able to call many others i have gotten to know here friends and not just acquaintances.

went to camden town with bob, aka boonbu today. i was so intrigued by the gothic crowd there, it was for the lack of a better word, really cool! wow wow wow, i really wanna go back again to take photos of the crowd, buy cheap boots and jackets and winter accessories (i only got a le coq sportif jacket for 25quid today cos bob kept restraining me, haha), and try the fudge from the lovely little stall. today at camden was wonderful, save for getting lost, the embarrassing belt incident and a few encounters with drunks and what-have-yous.

i am happy here, i finally am.
(and lastly tien, happy birthday my dear, 'scrum in the park' is such a memorable way to celebrate your first birthday in london yeah ;) )

a new moon leads me to woods of dreams and i follow
a new world waits for me, my dream, my way
*china roses by enya

and even forevermore 

i never stop talking about this one thing do i - rugby ;) yesterday was our first training at berrylands in zone7, 40mins by bus and train (not even tube!) the funny thing was training in shorts and a polo tee, the exact kit i would wear to train in singapore; suffice to say i froze my butt off when it rained and the winds blew mercilessly. we divided into forwards and backs and the backs did simple drills like passing and kicking, and we learnt 'switch' which i felt was wrong and looked more like a 'loop' ;( anyway everyone was new and it was back to basics for me, and i get the strange feeling that the team is gonna be in trouble next year cos most of e players are third years and american students who will only be here for a year. that aside, playing rugby again over here made all the memories of blacks i have been trying to supress rush out fast and furious. sometimes my heart just felt so sad, and i wished i were at farrer park running along with gina and learning from my seniors instead. i cant imagine doing all these without them: calling names that are not those of blacks girls, doing different warm up exercises, tackling on grass that felt so different from farrer parks', but time will make the transition easier i hope, and im looking forward to matches and hopefully getting to play in the first 15. ive got two gilbert balls lying in my room now, got them at a steal at 6quid for the big one and 1quid for the small one at the lillywhites sale, happy happy ;)

i can feel God working in my life, its amazing how He makes His pressence felt in small things in my life. yesterday i was looking for a senior to sell me a math text to no avail and out of nowhere, this guy who's a friend of loh's brother texted me to ask if i wanted to buy any books, and voila i got the book the very same day. praise God too, for church friends to pray for me, and church friends from long long ago to email and encourage me even though we've not spoken for years ;) playing my christian songs now and i feel so comforted and overwhelmed by the thought that im not alone here. dwell in my heart all the days of my life, this i pray dear Lord.

'The Lord shall preserve your going out and coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.' Psalms 121:8

but even as we stumble... 

i have found the perfect comfort food - buttered toast. crispy brown bread dripping with smooth butter, perfect on a chilly night ;) haha. and the one that comes close is the pralines and cream haagen daz ice cream i had at tiens place on sunday night. i wanna eat them with the strawberries i just bought but i cant buy them yet cos ive already exceeded my 10 pound a day budget today. ah, i digress.

if you all think life is candy dandy for me over here, think again. its worst on mornings, where i wake up alone in a dark little room, raindrops pattering down outside the window, and the sheer uncertainty and expectations of the day threaten to swallow me. it is difficult growing up on my own, cooking my dinners when ive never cooked a single decent meal my whole life, doing laundry when i dont even know i have to add washing powder, and taking care of my sore throats without my mum. yet in a way i sometimes feel this sense of empowerment and pride, that i am from this time forth accountable to only myself and no one else, except God of course.

i want these to be the best years of my life. sometimes i get so homesick and i wonder if i would have been happier if i never left all the things that meant so much to me behind just to come here, and then i am reminded time and again that this was my dream, the biggest dream i ever prayed for - and it came true. sometimes its fun, like when the rugby team brought us to this place called 'the church' on sunday afternoon, to dance and drink the day away in this warehouse club which also has a stripper performing; sometimes its stressful, like today when i stepped out of my government lecture not being able to understand a single thing my lecturer said; sometimes its happy, like when i walk around school and see so many people i can say hello to and chatter with. sometimes its sad; when i look at the photos on my wall and miss the familiarity of everyone back home; sometimes its comfortable, like the good chat i had with my african-english flatmate today over dinner; sometimes its lonely, when im alone in my room with no one to be close to except for my snoopy toy. but all in all, its been a ride so far, three years does seem so long, but the journey is gonna be one helluva adventure. n i know, e best years of my life begin here.

but even as we stumble through the darkness and the light
you know these were the best years of our lives
*best years of our lifes by omd

of pots and pans 

i just cooked my first meal, by myself that is. i dont know whether to smile or sulk though, cos i hate the food i cook, hah. today i cooked macaroni soup with vege and egg in ikan billis stock, the soup was not bad but the macaroni was so large and kinda hard and i had such a hard time swallowing them; and all the time i kept digging in the bowl hopping for some chicken to miraculously appear but all that came up was just more macaroni. doesnt exactly sound too yummy right, haha but i shall not mope. next time im gonna cook omelette cos katie was cooking it today and mansi and i both agreed it looked really yummy and easy too ;) my food life really sucks right now.

freshers fair was yesterday, i signed up for women's rugby, modern dance, business society, shappiro government society, christian union and the arts society (to watch cheap musicals). the first rugby run is tmr at regents park, but i was told to expect the sports clubs here to be pretty slack, bah. ohyeah, and i met my personal tutor today, he's an italian with nice blue eyes, very personal and warm, and he was able to provide me with substantial advice unlike the tutors of my department mates who described their tutors as useless. praise God ;)

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS