God's tsunami 

Emmanuel Evangelical Church today was amazing. everything was just like back home: the familiar songs, the worship team, the powerpoint and PA system, the national flags for mission week, the offering bag, the benediction, i closed my eyes and it felt the same as any sunday two months or more ago. wow ;) its between this and the All Souls Church now, which i happen to like very much too.

the sermon today was the best one on mission ive ever heard, i would love to write it down but it would be way too long. in brief, we are heading westwards - europe to america to africa and asia, and now we look towards china and then the middle east and back to israel. tough calling, but thats the only way God's mission can be truly complete, and thats the only way we can await His return. the harvest is plentiful

i hope you dance 

The Royal Ballet - Scenes de Ballet, Divertissements, Daphnis and Chloe
a mixed bill dedicated to Frederick Ashton

in awe. i just sat in the most lovely theatre ive ever seen, the royal opera house, watching darcey bussell among other lovely talents dance for the royal ballet. it was all so lovely lovely lovely... i loved scenes de ballet, it was a one act classical piece complete with the corp de ballet and a pair of principal dancers, ah reminiscent of all the classical pieces we use to perform. divertissements was a series of beautiful duets and solos, and daphnis and chloe was classical myth accompanied by elaborate stage settings, and pretty vivid colours. the experience was so distictively british, the cloakroom, young and old in dresses and suits, the grand theatre packed all five stories, the 'ooh' that ressonated in the theatre after each piece, old couples discussing the pieces beside me, you'll never see such things in singapore. i had a simply lovely night, so spent with my coursemates rayna (from bulgaria), natasha (from york), and sophie (from 'near scotland'). from having dinner with rayna and nat at the passefield hall, to getting lost looking for sophie, to talking to sophie on the way to convent garden and during all the intervals, to taking taking photos of the theatre, to grabbing mcflurry with sophie on the way home ;)

i love classical ballet, to put it simply, i never really cared for the other dance forms (of say jazz, salsa or lindyhop). ballet is the only dance form that speaks of perfection, and though the rest may be fun and sexy and crowd-pleasers, there is something beautiful about ballet. watching Scenes de Ballet made me so sad, so sad i wondered to myself for a moment if i could ever bring myself to watch another ballet again. it was so reminiscent of the old sc days, our grand concerts and the classical pieces i used to dance, and then theres ms lee's concert at scgs, my flaming red tutu and our spanish dance, i loved that one most. well im never gonna be up there again am i, ive gone too far away now, and i know i can never step into the studio and feel the same i did three years ago, as much as i want to. i think back fondly of those days, how ms lee and mr f worked me and gave me so many chances to dance, how i would be the one dancing on the stage at scgs, and my parents, mari, and my ballet friends would be the ones sitting in the audience and smiling at me.

only those born with the right body and heart have a fighting chance of making it eventually i guess; i tried, but today i hold not the barre but a rugby ball, i wear not pointe shoes but rugby boots. i still dance, but only the ones that can never touch my heart like how ballet does.

got guts? 

we lost to brunel (again) yeah. but im not disappointed, cos we played valiantly. my play though, was mediocre, i scream for the ball at the wing but it never comes to me, and when it does i run a loop behind my own backs, my outside-centre runs from one end of the field to the other to play the ball, im left with two players to mark and i am lost as to who to take down. oh, and two naked guys streaked across our pitch, yuck. no more matches for this term, but deep in winter next january, i hope to kick some ass. got guts? got.

guess what, i wore a skirt for the first time since coming to this cold land. sharon and i both arrived at the three tuns the latest at 8pm, but we were saved from the late fine by our skirts i think. one cranberry vodka and a pint of snakebite later (had to gulp it all down cos laura challenged me to a race, which i lost of course), i was all red and pretty darn high, jumping onto the couch and taking silly photos and nearly falling asleep and singing stupid things and demanding to go to walkabout. i remember them saying i was piss drunk, but no way it was only two drinks i had! ohyeah i met my international relations tutor outside the three tuns when we were leaving for walkabout, i must have spouted some nonsense to him in my high state, but the only thing i remembered him saying was 'see you on friday at 930am' hah just cos i was this late for the 9am class last week yeah. anyway walkabout happens to be this pub everyone goes to after a few rounds at the three tuns, and its the same bloody pub that made me go back to holborn twice to get identification, first to get my isic card and second to get my passport cos 'sorry darling you look too young'. bummer. it was so rowdy and packed when we finally got in and after another snakebite and spilled drinks all over me and broken glass on the floor, we finally got down to some dancing. the place is quite dodgy though, there are all sorts of weird men from france and turkey and weird hairdressers lurking around to eat any willing girl. but the team was great, you could trust anyone to stand up for you and escort you out of uncomfortable situations. and so we danced and pranced. and at 2pm, sharon and i stumbled out of walkabout and staggered home. and then i collapsed into my bed, still reeking of booze and smoke.

sometimes we all wanna get drunk and have some fun.

cause im too lazy to paragraph 

1. just got back from training, and its dark, where is my sun. ive got two pairs of wet semi-muddy shoes hanging by my radiator and guess what ive got no dry shoes for school tomorrow. yesterday a bunch of us went to hyde park to do the english thing of playing in the park. needless to say, we froze our butts off but we discovered that running around was well, the best and only way to beat the cold, and soon off came our winter jackets and what nots. we played 5-a-side soccer, 4-a-side touch rugby (ah i truly miss touch rug), and a bit of frisbee, it felt good to run about and laugh so much man. when we finally got too wet and muddy and cold, we tubed back home before meeting again in chinatown for wongkei and grocery shopping, happy happy. at one point in this chinese supermart i exclaimed 'look! they have tofu!', and everyone around looked at me like i was some looney. sorry la, havent see any tofu around what.

2. next week im going to ministry of sound (finally), and im going to watch the royal ballet, its amazing how the royal opera house is just 10mins from my place. next next week im going to catch a movie (finally too), and then theres 'the barrel' which is the legendary athletics union day of booze and sin, hah. next next next week im going to twickenham to watch the intervarsity oxbridge rugby match, and then michaelmas term is officially over. 10weeks will fly by and there will be so many things i still wanna do: watch man utd at old trafford (sam, go again and take me there!), visit cambridge, travel to italy, germany and russia, go home with someone from some exotic place like bulgaria, watch a rugby international.

3. i seriously need to stop oversleeping, someone save me. was supposed to do a presentation on friday for my 9am international relations class, but guess what, 910am anand called me 'hey are you coming for class?' i jumped out of bed and ran to school at 930am, only to have my tutor tell me at the end of the class, 'its okay you should have stayed in if you were still in bed and not on your way here'. and no, he was not being sacarstic at all, but ohwell i just found out i have to do a different presentation this week. thats my crazy (and almost typical) fridays for you. most days i wake up 10mins before the start of class and scramble to school eyes hardly open. on tuesday, i meant to walk to school with jus but i only hauled myself out of bed at 950am when he called me upon reaching my place, fortunately i met my hallmate whos in the same class and he and i both managed to scramble in late together. how now brown cow?

4. i love talking to you, dice. you always put things into perspective, and you know every single thing i never told anyone; im really thankful how our friendship has worked out, across oceans. well you know what, last night really made me leave behind all the emotional baggage from the past, and although we never talked about in it detail, i just felt like everything and anything from then didnt matter anymore. next summer, i shall go look for you in uncle sam land.

5. i had two really good singaporean meals this week ;) on friday we whipped up curry chicken, chicken herbal soup, deep fried spring roll, cheese omelette, beansprouts and mushrooms and ice cream and apple crumble for dessert at bankside, and today we had hainanese chicken rice, fried tofu, cheese omelette, garlic bread, and apple tart, yoghurt and tang yuen(!) for dessert at holborn. ahh... everyone is going on and on about what theyre gonna eat when they head home in december, well i know the first thing i wanna eat is oyster omelette at chompchomp, but that will be in far away june. last night sam and i were having a heated conversation on msn over the food we miss: blah blah blah and adam road prawn noodles in particular. and in the end we both admitted, yes, we cant take it anymore. but what can we do, subsist on prima paste and bread and pasta and cheap minced beef.

6. i really want to go on the bangkok trip, with them. why do i never ever get to go for such things. -mope-

7. thank You Lord for the wonderful church service at the All Souls Church today. turn my eyes onto Yourself Lord, and hold me so that i will not lose sight of You as i go about living my life here, as i know i so often do. everything O Lord, comes from You, and i pray that You will use me in Your own perfect way, for Your own perfect plans.
yes He walked my road and He felt my pain
joys and sorrows that i know so well
yet His righteous steps give me hope again
i will follow my Immanuel

if the choice were mine to make 

antisocialism hits me every now and then. the whole of tonight ive been sitting here in my room planning the trip to paris, doing my econ homework, reading what jan art scholte writes about globalization, talking to a mopey friend on msn, eating my chips and cereal (oh the bane of my life here), unwilling to answer the knocks on my door.

in every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along

i spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much
my silence is my self defense

and every time i've held a rose
it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes
and so will you soon i suppose

but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break

and this is why my eyes are closed
its just as well for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows

so i would choose to be with you
that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break

and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows
*and so it goes by billy joel

hey you, stop listening to this song (although i love it), its just too sad and too real. and tell me you will not cry.

the freshman fifteen 

its official - i am FAT. after six weeks here, i have finally found a weighing scale in my friend's room, and now i have concrete evidence that the stuff appearing on me are indeed fats. bah i am not whining here, but seeing myself tip the scales over the maximum maximum maximum limit i allow myself to go kind of disgusts me. so, goodbye to rounds and rounds and rounds of supper and snacking (think: cereal, mcvites biscuits, chocolates, cherry bakewells, fudge, stroop caramel waffles, chips, toast, ice cream, pineapple tarts, ba kua, ba hu, what have you). yeah, as if i can resist those; plus dinner is a grand affair for me these days with my obsession with sainsburys. well i could do with more exercise too, but its darn bloody cold out there.

maybe i should just say freshmen fifteen, bring it on. i'll start dieting after my first year at college, if that helps. who knows whats the maximum weight i can hit, and maybe i'll be a bigger rugger like the rest of them. watch out for me next june...! dammit.

amendment: it just occured to me that it could be the booze too. not that ive turned into a hardcore boozer as some may call it, but at crush on friday it took me one whisky shot, one whisky shot laced with singapore sling and one smirnoff ice to get high. its just different here i suppose, the drinking habits i mean. and that can only make me fatter, thankyouverymuch.

merry go round and round and round 

i am home! okay holborn home, not singapore home. i made it in time for my 9am class today, despite jumping out of bed at 840am, great, well last week my 9am class was cancelled and i still missed my 11am class cos i woke up at 1115 having slept at past 3 the previous night. anyway didnt have time to pack lunch this morning, and i figured the only way to survive my killer 9 to 6 fridays is to take a break in between and come home for a couple of hours, so here i am, after making lunch, vaccuming my room, filling my notes and sorting out my spanish homework. estupendo! my gruelling essay week is drawing to a close, i finally see some light: going for mediterranean buffet and crush tonight, nottingham games tomorrow, and rugby social on sunday; but just as i was looking forward to having a chillout weekend and week7, i had an international relations presentation on sovereignty next friday flung onto me, and i also just got back my econ hw which i did quite badly in. crap, but last night was nice, finally found the time to talk to my sorely missed friends on msn, dice - everytime i talk to you, i just wish we could go on and on and on, and its only you; kid - i thought you had forgotten about me, but it was me who screwed up haha; eve - rugby talk and blacks updates ;) and i just had a short hello with belle - yes, the swings... i love it here really, the independence and adventures, grocery shopping and rugby matches, its just that sometimes i think back on the sunny past and it just jolts me into (pretty much unecessary) nostalgia.

christian union has been wonderful so far, especially after house party. i love it when we can come together as christian youths in such an international setting, to worship and grow in the Lord together. my christian union mate from holborn, ellie has just moved to another hall at bankside though, kinda sad. anyway, last night at christian union really got me thinking about how hard is it to live life as a good christian truly accountable to God in this world, and in a more personal context, in lse. i mean, its nice and warm when we get together during christian union, but what about other times, when im stuck with tons of work, when im with my rugby mates, when im having fun at crush, where does God fit in? looking back, it feels as though many times i just go away from christian union and become part of the world again, and even now, a new realisation of this is not gonna make it any easier for me to find a balance between these conflicting forces. there is never any clear divide is there, this world is grey.

and, not yet, cause i was wrong before, and i dont wanna be wrong again, anymore.

i dream of days past gone by 

we were mauled. i cant remember the score but i would say they put a good 10 tries past us. i didnt think we played well contrary to what many of them say, we lacked the hunger, and at certain moments it felt as though we were merely waiting for the 80mins to pass us by. i didnt play well. coming on as winger only in the second half, i only made a couple of tackles and short runs, and worse still towards the end my play degenerated into lousy fly tackles and what have you. it sure didnt help that my out-centre decided to run the ball herself almost all the time, and that there were countless unecessary and truly frustrating drop balls but regardless, im disappointed with myself for not making the best out of every ball that came my way. also many times when i tried to make a tackle someone else would come in and clean the player out for me, and in a way i guess it can only mean that i still have yet to prove to my teammates that they can trust me to take my player down - thats gonna be my goal for our next match in a fortnight. my heart feels like its searching for something now, cause well i feel so lost and incomplete when i cant look back on my match and feel good about it, win or lose. i know i can do much more, and i know this is what my heart wants so much. what am i waiting for?

anyway, it took the team a 2.5 hour bus ride to sleepy chichester, where we were greeted by a cosy campus uni, complete with sports facilities on ground. it felt like one of those homely high schools in the movies and even the bar was bright and wholesome and had a sign claiming to fine anyone who got 'sick' in the bar, which is funny even by singaporean standards. london feels so grown-up and distant now compared to chichester, and a part of me is somehow regretting the decision to choose all the action in the city over lovely green fields and training and living and hanging out right inside school grounds, but the grass is always greener on the other side yeah. i still love you, london ;)

im sleepy, its cold and its late. i meant to miss the tuns today to stay in and get work done but i went to my friend sharon's room after we got back and we ended up spending 3hours trying to find something on ebay and getting her address and card details to correspond, and doing miscellaneous things like listen to 'cowboy junkies' and look at photos in between. got back to my room at 10, finished cooking my dinner at 11, and here i am getting lost in the web. gonna go do my international relations essay which i need to complete real soon, the night has just started. for me at least - and my half-done essay sucks.

He's been there from the start 

it's been a blessed weekend. the most amazing feeling swept through me during house party when we sang 'God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, is so good to me' in all our native languages - english, mandarin, spanish, dutch, norwegian, finnish, korean, japanese, sundanese, hindi - can you imagine it? at that very moment it became so real to me that God was everywhere, in different lands and among different people, we all sing for, pray to, and hold on to the same God. its amazing how in spite of being miles from home, i can still sing the same songs to an everpresent God who has promised never to forsake me, who has promised to walk beside me all the days of my life. thank you God, thank you for such a lovely weekend spent with You and the fellow God-loving people you have put in my life, thank you for the friendships made and the heartfelt conversations shared, thank you for the renewal You gave to my weary heart. thank you God, for my impact group and the truthful (and many times funny) sharings with each other, and although there some things i still cant bring myself to speak about, thank you God that every suffering brings hope, hope for the great things you have planned for me.

sunbury court made me miss my church. the green fields and fallen leaves brought back all the memories of selesa hills; and when we played 'mafia' on saturday night, i could literally see the white marble step leading to the little area where we sat at playing the same game all night during church camp 2004, stopping only for instant mee goreng and a hot drink. forrest gump, you remember? i miss you guys.

have you ever talked to God above
tell him that you need a friend to love
pray in Jesus' name believing that
God answers prayers

have you told Him all your cares and woes
every tiny little fear He knows
you can know He'll always hear
and He will answer prayers

you can whisper in a crowd to Him
you can cry when you're alone to Him
you don't have to pray out loud
to Him he knows your thoughts

on a lofty mountain peak He's there
in a meadow by the stream He's there
everywhere on earth you go
He's been there from the start

another blessing, i have just received a box of foodstuff from home. unwrapping each painstakingly individually wrapped food item (read: pork floss, teriyaki sauce, steak flavouring, pineapple tarts, dou sha bing, and even skippy peanut butter) made me both so happy and so sad. thank you mum and dad. love you ;)

2000 miles (and counting) 

thought i would sneak in something while im still awake, i just finished my 2627word essay on mr philosopher aristotle, done over 3 nights and many many many many many hours of droopy eyelids, chips and junk munching, and a shit lot of steely resolve. i dont know what to expect out of my essay really, its concise though it gets out of point and smoky at times. in any case, im thankful that that means one down and one to go, and i can go to the christian union house party at sunbury court later today till sunday in good peace. been feeling spaced out when im doing practically anything cept umm, running around the fields at berrylands, and sleepy to the extent of falling into deep sleep and dreaming about strange parks in lectures and classes, so i think getting out of london and spending my time with a bunch of God-loving people over the weekend would be a lovely idea. God works in the most unexpected ways ;) just two hours ago i was feeling really crappy over my unfinished essay and my early friday day, and when i checked my email i found out that my 9am class had been cancelled. God is great, going to sunbury court was a gamble for me cause i knew if i did not will myself to finish at least one essay before the weekends i was dead, but today God showed me that He was with me through all this. He never fails to amaze me ;)

so theres econs lecture, my first spanish class, and my aristotle presentation for today; aristotle aristotle will you please leave me alone for awhile. school's been tough, i seriously never expected it to be nothing more than a brisk stroll in the park (now its more like a sprint). lectures and classes dont actually take up alot of time, but its all the mountains of readings and procrastinated deadlines that are killing me, and the multitude of activities - christian union on tue and thur, rugby on wed and sun, crush or fun stuff on fri, singsoc events on sat, church on sun - just make things worse, wait or is it better? haha. on another front, cookings been good, i pack sandwich lunches to school and cook mackarel and rice or chicken kiev and potato or beef stew and salad dinners ;D ive got a problem though, every single day i find myself walking into sainsburys just to look at all the yummy food i can only afford to buy the next week - chocolate mousse, muller yoghurt, wafer-thin honey baked ham slices, minced beef, cornish pies, jam donuts and what have you, dont get me started. resupplies are coming up though, thank God for julie and alvin who are coming here on a holiday (really cant wait to see them), and aunty ad whose friend is bringing a box of food and stuff up for me. -glee- social lifes been picking up too, getting to know the rugby mates better bit by bit, been chatting alot with lizzy to the extent of talking cok, which is good cos thats a sign of deeper familiarity, haha. just slipped a note under katie's door to tell her about our cancelled class and im surprised she's still awake. my guess is that we're both so happy we get to sleep in we dun even wanna sleep now. silly ;)

sometimes i feel like im getting so caught up in living it up here i lose a little bit of the things i hold on to halfway round the world each day. please dun let me let that happen, cause i still miss you so.

in these frozen and silent nights
sometimes in a dream you appear
outside under the purple sky
diamonds in the snow sparkle

2000 miles is very far through the snow
i think of you wherever you go
2000 miles is very far through the snow
i think of you wherever you go
*2000 miles by coldplay

the day i had blue eyes 

what does it mean to play with heart? it means hunger, it means courage, it means to want every ball and make every tackle; and today's match, we did just that.

the first half of the match, i played number 11 - winger. i was secretly happy cause i still didnt feel comfortable enough as a scrumhalf yet, and i thought i wanted to run around more today. the first tackle i made was on this huge number 7 who was big and tough (in contrast to big and flabby), and my back almost died, but yeah we brought her down eventually, i do wonder how many people it took. it was a good first half really, i marked my man and took her down each time she got the ball, i tackled every player that came my way even though some remained unsuccessful, i was disciplined in my position, i yelled for the ball, i ran and ran and tried my sidesteps. a multitude of scenarios though ended up in the ball failing to get to me, but each time it did, i knew i had to make the best out of it. the whole team played so well together, the scrums were powerful and there were many flashes of brilliance, even my seniors called it the best match they've played.

the second half of the match was a little muddle though, i played number 9 - scrumhalf for 15mins. in my first scrum i disastrously did a biased feed and thus conceded a free kick, then i retrieved the ball from a maul near our tryline and promptly lost it when this girl snatched it out of me and proceeded to score a try (the stuff you would laugh at), and i got sucked into mauls unwittingly though all i wanted to do was to bring the ball out to pass it to my flyhalf, and then horror of horrors i lost one side of my contact lenses when i got caught in a tussel between some huge players and thereafter my throws from the scrum became slipshod cause i couldnt tell the distances; it was also in this half that i found myself holding back when two huge players ran in front of me, courage courage, wheres my courage gone. nevertheless the match ended on an awesome note, we won and i left the field unscathed save for some bruises and a strained arm and knee and foot.

the icing on the cake really, was scoring a try today. from my hazy memories of it, it went like this: the ball got to me at the wing, i ran a C round my opposition winger to outrun her, many big players came bearing down on me trying to push me down and away from the tryline, but i refused to let up cause i was just inches from the tryline, so i pushed and dodged and in the words of a teammate 'pirouetted' my way struggling to the line, and finally slammed the ball down the moment i convinced myself that i had found the right line. small thing compared to my senior who scored a hat trick, but it meant so much to me. what made it even sweeter was having my teammates hugging and slapping palms and celebrating with me, and one said to me, 'i was so proud, i wanted to tell everyone she lives in the same residence as me and we go for training together'. ah sweet.

not too long ago, i didnt think i could make rugby (and wednesday matches) the center of my life, or that i could live in the shadows of the promises i have made, but today changed everything. im addicted once again and if it means passing on old trafford in two wednesdays time, im gonna bite the bullet and make the right choice.

just got back from the three tuns bar in school where all the sports teams hang out every wed night to celebrate their victories or drown their sorrows in defeat. having lost one side of my contacts during the match, i put on my cool blue contacts for the night out and it sure did generate much buzz among my mates, hah why cant chinese have blue eyes. gave myself a treat to a redbull vodka which freaking costs 3quid, but ohhwell its not everynight that i feel like drinking strange things, haha. and i feel like yelling this song out to my teammates:
you're simply the best, better than all the rest
better than anyone anyone i've ever met
i'm stuck on your heart, i hang on every word you say
tear us apart baby i would rather be dead
*the best by tina turner

im high, in spite of having two essays due next week. cheers mate.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS