profanities ahead 

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
can you fucking not mess with my life
and why does it fucking even matter

(pardon my language, just this once)

school of hard knocks 

back from training, and taking back what i just said about not looking forward to training ;) training was good for a couple of reasons: 1. it wasnt that cold after all, besides i was running around in 3 top layers, haha just in case. 2. rex gave us very effective tackling drills once again, and we learnt 2 mini moves. 3. sharon and i stayed behind to kick the ball, omg i am very very very bad at catching high balls, must work on that. 4. on the way home, we stopped by at sainsburys and i snitched a couple of good deals, a packet of salad for 10pence, a dip platter of 4 different dips for 10pence, 20 smoked bacon for 99pence, and i finally found the twinnings tea exotic flavours for my mum.

but i am such a loser. everytime some chance miraculously falls into my lap, i choke and fail to prove my worth. like during training just now, the first time i tried to scoop the ball out from a ruck, i knocked into my teammate's ass and fell backwards on my own butt, now what kind of scrum half is so clumsy. and then i make blunders like throwing a super low ball to our flyhalf. -yelps- shoot me! ok forget it, its our first match of the year on wednesday and we're determined to win, looking forward to playing my best, no more choking no more screwing up.

now im so dead tired. just now after showering, and washing jen's ball, my boots and my rugby gear at the same time, i was so pooped when i came out i just sat down in my bathing robe for a good half hour clicking randomly at my laptop. in the process of doing my laundry now, gonna cook dinner and hopefully get work done, which possibly wont happen given my fatigued state.

weekly digress 

week4 is starting, can you believe it? i cant. been a busy week, watched the producers (most entertaining musical!), stomp (fell asleep), saracens-newcastle falcons rugby match with tien and co. (in the freezing wind), and man u vs boro with sam and jon in a pub (3-0 resounding victory). in other news, our rugby match today is cancelled, not looking forward to training in the cold to be honest, but we have a match on wed so i guess il just suck it up for a bit. gym resumes tmr after a 3day break, i wonder if i can keep up for 2.9km.

looking ahead, theres a possibility that il be having 4 chinese new year dinners, with singsoc, with my flatmates, with rj mates, and reunion on the eve. coolio, just that a good ol no bread no snack diet would do me some good right now. looking forward to movie with mari, opera dinner with sharon, cooking cny dinner for my flat, snow in glasgow in end feb; not looking forward to dance show, essay deadlings for ir and govt, growing fatter over cny. ohyeah, did i mention i broke my red specs cos i fell asleep in them the other day? bummer.

last thing, need prayer for my walk with God, thanks;) time for training!

oh how i wish that they would last
moments of peace that just slip through me so fast
just when i think that they are gonna stay
everything inside me just starts fading away

sometimes it seems like all i hope for
just gets thrown down on the floor
and then it seems like you don't love me anymore
sometimes i wish that i could run away
sometimes i wish i just had something to say

he looks at me and doesn't know the words to say
but its not you, i just don't feel quite right today
all these things i say and do were never planned
but how the fuck am i supposed to make you understand that

sometimes it seems like all i hope for
just gets thrown down on the floor
and then it seems like you don't love me anymore
sometimes i wish that i could run away
sometimes i wish i just had something to say
*sometimes by avril lavigne

odd shaped dreams 

i want to win this, more than anything in the world right now. and for this i am willing to do anything, run at the gym, carbo load, read inspiring autobigraphies, watch live matches. been going to the gym almost everyday, you know, i never liked the gym nor running, but i am finding the struggle and challenge each time i step onto the treadmill much relished these days. each time i run i increase the distance by 100m, now it stands at 2.7km. each time i run, i wear my blacks bangkok tee and fbt shorts. and each time i run, i think of blacks, and it makes me so much stronger. i dont know if i will be too lousy or too fat when i go home, but im trying not to be.

i miss blacks.

so much to do so much to see
so whats wrong with taking the back streets
you'll never know if you don't go
you'll never shine if you don't glow

hey now you're an all star, get your game on, go play
hey now you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid
and all that glitters is gold
only shooting stars break the mold
*all star by smash mouth

bilbao log 

saturday 22jan
friday night was spent at crush snow/foam party going wild with loh, mari, tintin ;P and sharon, it was indeed a wet and wild night punctuated by ocassional strange characters hovering round us, but we prevailed, soapy clothes, cigarette burns, breaking knees and all. at 2am when the party came to an end, sharon and i staggered home with 1 hour left to shower and do our last minute packing. what transpired between 3 to 5am was mindless getting from hall to bus to coach to plane, catching whatever sleep we could while on the road/sky. at 10am, bilbao greeted us with its mild fog and much needed warmer temperature of 10 degrees. sharon and i hopped onto the bus to the city centre and without much detours finally managed to find our lovely barcelo nervion hotel across the river, a great feat for two girls who always got lost together. at 1pm, we wandered around the nearby streets looking for food and finally settled for tortilla (potato, egg and cheese pie) at bilbao bar for only 1.05 euros! after lunch we made our way to the world renowned guggenheim musuem. spent three hours there looking at the modern artpieces, feeling sleepy (thats me, haha though i particularly loved anselm kiefer, a german artist's works), playing at the playground, and taking photos. sounds strange but we had tea/dinner at around 5am, with sharon having a kebab and icecream and me, an icecream and subway meatball sandwhich in that order. next up was shopping, we visited a shopping mall nearby but was disappointed to find pepe jeans and even zara(!) so expensive. on the way home however, we made a stop at h&m where sharon spent hours and hours trying on clothes and she ended up buying 5 pieces: tops, skirt, dress, handbag, and me, i only snitched one black working shirt ;P on the way back we stoped at el corte ingles which was a really coolio departmental store with all the good brands and a nice supermarket, but 9pm was closing time so we were forced to dash out as the lights switched off behind us. back to our hotel for some good shower, spanish tv shows, rest and (gasps) math homework.

sunday 23jan
we awoke at 10am to the sound of sharon's phone alarm and made our way to a spanish pastry shop nearby and bought back a box of goodies each, heavenly i dare say. at noon it was lunch at yet another nearby bar and this time silly sharon had 2 tortillas! we took a stroll down this bridge that looked so much like a smaller version of millenium bridge in london and took photos here and there, including outside the guggenheim yet again. we arrived at museo de bellas artes at 115pm only to be told it closes at 2pm on sundays, nonetheless we sped through all the galleries and did manage to complete the whole museum in 45mins, it wasnt that big though, and the goya collection was kinda small and unknown. we made our way to the park and eventually convinced each other to ride the carousel. wheee you wont believe how happy we both were. we walked a little more and found a musical fountain which was playing the spanish song i had danced to during one of the old concerts, sweet. the fountain was really spectecular too, wonder how come nobody told us about it. the day was going very well for us, but a bombshell was dropped on us when we realised all the shops were closed on sunday and there was no shopping for us ;( we eventually made our way to the old quarters in hope that the flea market was open but we were disappointed. nevertheless we had a really good tea at a bar in the old quarters, sharon had waffles and milkshake while i had chocolate con churros - deep fried doughnut sticks with sugar and thick-as-liquid-chocalate hot chocolate drink, ahhh il never forget this dessert. we went back to our hotel for a short rest where i subsequently fell asleep. at 7pm we set off in the rain in search of the much craved paella for dinner. much to our dismay, the two restaurants which advertised it did not have paella and by 8pm we were two hungry angry kids sulking in the rain. but it was a blessing in disguise i suppose cos we eventually ended up at a restaurant called baden baden and did not leave till 11pm! dinner was steak with foie for me and fried octopus and steak with foie for sharon and to top it off, we were given complimentary shots of some milky vodka which tasted really good! tis was the grand finale to our trip in bilbao, we spent a good 3 hours in the restaurant talking about everything and anything from love to america to singapore to lse to people to rugby to God, somehow or other i began feeling sad at the thought that sharon was gonna go back to manhatten in july. anyhows we finally made it back to our hotel before midnight and caught some spanish tv and soccer highlights before falling asleep.

monday 24jan
morning call at 745am and by 810am we were out on the streets of bilbao for the final time. caught the bus to the airport and browsed around at the airport before boarding our easyjet flight back to london stanstead. arriving much earlier, we managed to catch the earlier national express bus but made an impulsive mistake by hopping off at golders green somewhere in zone 3 or 4 to take bus 13 to school. traffic around oxford street was a killer we were just so relieved to finally get down the darn bus at 230pm. barang barang all in tow, we made a pitstop in school to say hello the rugby team who were doing 'our thing' before trudging the freezing path back to holborn. london is so cold! it was probably 4 degrees compared to the toasty 10-14 degrees in bilbao, my hands just died on the way back.

i love bilbao. it reminds me much of singapore really, its so small it can be covered by foot from one end to the other in roughly an hour. to add to that, the weather was warm relative to london, the people were friendly and always ready to translate or take photos for us, it was safe even for two lost looking girls, and it had such yummy food and peaceful scenary. this trip has been nothing short of immense, i learnt so much about sharon, i learnt so much about myself, and i know i will always have a soft spot for this baby town of bilbao whereever my feet take me in the future. bilbao muy bien ;)

still water runs deep 

its been a great, albeit busy week. but the happiest thing really, is finally fitting some good ol exercise into my crazy schedule. rugby training on sun, gym with sharon on mon, jog with tien on tue, rugby training on wed, and probably gym later, that makes it 5days in a row ;P i am surprised how working out at the gym keeps me so much more refreshed, even with my normal 3am nights, i think its about time i got the gym membership yeah. other than that ive been uber busy, my lent term schedule is crazier than the previous term due to the addition of dance rehearsals on thur and fri for the dance show in late feb, and more singsoc events to plan for. im up to my neck seriously, but i guess ive just gotta suck it in and have fun while at it.

pre-game for the mss party at opium on tue went abit too far i think ;P i remember the first time i gulped-gurgled-swallowed-breathed out a shot of cointreau and almost died, well this time it started with one shot of horrible french brandy and two shots of lovely cointreau. you can imagined what happened after that, but i sobered up ofter 4hours which was not bad at all. then again, i will never ever drink so much on a tue night cos yesterday at training i could scarcely run and it felt as though i was sweating alcohol instead of sweat, i still cant understand how rugby and beer go hand in hand with each other. oh did i mention, im really happy we got a coach for our sunday trainings, he's just an old boy really but his drills are really effective and fun, yayness ;) other random thoughts thus far: i really enjoy tue morning chats with tien, maybe more than the jog itself hehe; ryan reply my email dude; really proud that singapore has lifted the tiger cup for the second time, almost cried reading the st interactive; i miss my family.

i am going to bilbao (in spain) this weekend with sharon! so off we go for crush on friday with loh, mari, jus and sher, and then attempt to catch the 4am national express to stanstead for our plane ride to spain. will be back on monday, where another crazy week awaits me. adios!

...so many questions, i need an answer
two years later you're still on my mind

whatever happened to amelia earhart?
who holds the stars up in the sky?
is true love just once in a lifetime?
did the captain of the titanic cry?

someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know why the sky is blue
someday we'll know why i wasnt meant for you
*someday we'll know by mandy moore and jonathon foreman

lookit my toaster! 

i love it, loh and mari ;) thank you for giving me the most pretty and funky kitchen appliance i have ever owned ;) and although i am reluctant to become addicted to toast once again, i promise il make you girls lotsa peanut butter and nutella toast anytime you come, haha.

its been some time since i found the time to hang out and chill with my two fave girls, and i guess thats what made today so super. catching up on everything from housing to dance to school to love to friends to sagas to what-have-you on the way to, during, and after lunch at italian coffee company, and then to mari's cosy room to 'frolick'. a couple of dubious mtvs and countless even more dubious photos together later, we emerged from the room only to have yoda comment that loh looked tipsy, how strange. (did i mention yoda is in town again, yay. a glance of my eye tells me he's sleeping soundly on the floor in the corner of my room, fighting jetlag he said.) anyway, i loved today, just lying on mari's bed looking and laughing at photos and acting silly with loh, fun fun. haha and seeing loh and mari suddenly made me all charged up to go party again, fabric, cafe de paris, cc bar, here we come...!

work beckons, good times never last. but for now, im still smiling ;P

iceskating anyone? 

wheee! outdoor iceskating at the somerset house ice rink was uber thrilling! i was really shaky for the first half an hour or so, given that the last time i actually iceskated was in sec1 at the jurong rink with my en and joyce and god knows who, so i ended up clinging on to the side bar every one metre or so. but when i finally found the guts to let go, it was one exhilirating skate round and round the rink without stopping, part skating, part gliding, part falling, part crashing, part screaming, part laughing. by the time i finally matched up with -ahem- who was iceskating for the first time but had the guts to go way faster and further than me (may i mention that he also fell down about 10 times ;P), our 1hour 10quid session was up and that concluded my first outdoor iceskating act in this wintry land. cant wait to iceskate again.

there are so many thoughts i need let out, but i cant say everything out here, as much as i would like to. maybe i need to talk to someone, maybe good ol dice, but you know sometimes i just cant seem to find the words myself. quite simply, i am bad at words.

you will never lose something you never had. thats why, thats why.

God is watching us 

feeling light ;) last night my quiet time passage was titled 'what's the point?', how timely a reminder from up there not to get caught up with living it up here. sometimes i get really worn out trying to assume control of my life, cause i always wanna plan all kinds of funky little things to do with different people, cause i dont wanna waste a single second of my precious first year here; i dont know, sometimes it gets so draining i wonder what's the point, what's the point if im not even happy at the end of all this. so last night after my quiet time and reading the whole book of ecclesiastes since i couldnt sleep i prayed to God to give me rest once again, to take control and show me He knows better than me. and He did ;)

off i went to school today. first class was stats, not too good, didnt even talk much to liam, dunno why ;( had lunch with sophie at the brunchbowl after math and econ lecture, was fun chatting with her about her french class, her fencing, our christmas break and some other silly stuff. after lunch sophie left for her french class and i went to the quad, dunno why also, but it was a good thing cos i met jon there and managed to offload some stuff for jk to him, haha. was about to leave when i saw jude and his friend so i ended up sitting down with them and having a chat on mainly ice skating ;) God is amazing dont you agree, He weaves all these friends into my day just to assure me He has the best plans, i am weak but He is strong. the rest of the day till 5 was just zapping notes and sleepy stats lecture, but i came home to a surprise in my mailbox... a card from my best friend ten thousand miles away! haha rara, i know you must be surprised that i only received it now, but i know God must have planned for me to receive it this very day, what a wonderful way to start lent term (thank you dear, i loved everything about it, the photos, your handwritting, the sweet words).

2 more good things happened today. first, when i was making plans with lizzy about going to school tmr, she asked me about the holborn bible study that i go to every week downstairs at the lounge. do you know how happy i was, i broke out into song the moment i returned to my room -grin- anyway there is a history to all this. a couple of months ago, our bible study organised two outreach events which were pretty dismal in any sense, i tried to invite lizzy to one of them but she didnt have the time to spare. at that time i felt that i had truly let God down cos i just couldnt muster the guts to invite other people to the events, i imagined standing before God one day unable to account for any evangelism because quite simply, i am bad at words and i dislike rejection. but today God showed me once again i am weak but He is strong, He can make anything and everything happen, if only i would try. second good thing was our bible study dinner at an indian place today (first time eating indian food in london, can you believe it), there were 5 of us, noble from trinidad, shamara from srilanka, polly from uk, and suz and me from you-know-where. didnt talk much, but im glad i went anyway, ooh spicy chicken massala, and all the funny stories noble told us about his pet parrot, his boss who always got into all sorts of trouble, his nosy but hilarious helper at home, his calm sister even at gunpoint, HAHA the list goes on i cant stop laughing.

hows that for a brilliant day ;) thank you God. change my heart, teach me to be less of a xenophobe, a control freak, an eavesdropper (hee).

that aside, im feeling kinda sad about something that i just found out, why do such things always happen to the people/dance teachers/coaches who have made me who i am, bah. and then theres the perpetual jinx that befalls me everytime there is something dance related on to go for such that i will never be able to make it for whatever that is on, this time it is the dance show pseudo audition thingy, dunno what im gonna do but really thankful zhijia offered to help in some way. i have packed my schedule to crazy, more stuff this term than last year: monday gym with sharon, tuesday jog with tien n bible study, wednesday rugby and tuns, thurday christian union, friday jazz class, saturday singsoc events or weekend trips, sunday church n rugby. i dunno if i can last this but i am weak and He is strong ;)

it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves
this is the song of every man
and God is watching us, God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance
oh God is watching us, God is watching
God is watching us from a distance
*from a distance by bette midler

and we don't say goodbye 

there are a thousand things i could say, but i shant recap, its all in my heart yeah. it was awesome while it lasted, almost a dream i never wanted to wake up from, lovely lovely lovely i love my family so much. but i guess the only way to do this is to not look back.

lent term, here i come, smile smile razzle dazzle. partings are always sad and beginnings always scary, but i'll make the in-betweens count. this term i wanna play kick ass rugby, go for dance class, go on weekend getaways, swim somewhere, cook cny dinner for my flatmates, iceskate, party party at ministry and more, build friendships, serve God, email my buddies regularly but waste less time online, exercise more, eat less junk and lose kilokilos, live well for my parents, and study a little harder (cant run away from this can i). lets get it started ;)

so this is who i am
and this is all i know
and i must choose to live
for all that i can give
the spark that makes the power grow

and i will stand for my dream if i can
symbol of my faith in who i am
but you are my only
and i must follow on the road that lies ahead
and i won't let my heart control my head
but you are my only
and we don't say goodbye
and i know what i've got to be

immortality
i make my journey through eternity
i keep the memory of you and me inside
fufill your destiny
is there within the child
my storm will never end
my fate is on the wind
the king of hearts the jokers wild
but we don't say goodbye
i'll make them all remember me

cause i have found a dream that must come true
every ounce of me must see it through
but you are my only
i'm sorry i don't have a role for love to play
hand over my heart i'll find a way
i will make them give it to me

immortality
there is a vision and a fire in me
i keep the memory of you and me inside
and we don't say goodbye
with all my love for you
and what else we may do
we don't say goodbye
*immortality by celine dion

more than words 

what if i told you everything i meant to say, will you be surprised? dont turn around and try to read me up and down inside out cause you are not me, and you dont know me like i know myself.

that being said, this year i resolve to hold my tongue, so that i will not end up eating my words. it seems that i get miffed easily but i forget just as quickly, so the next time i get miffed im gonna hold my tongue till everything passes me over. forgive, forget, for God.

put on a smile and dance into lent term, and everything will be okay.

yesterday today tomorrow 

of all the things i believe in
i just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes but i do not cry
counting the days that past me by
i've been searching deep down in my soul
words that i'm hearing are starting to get old
looks like i'm starting all over again
the last three years were just pretend and i say

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything i thought i knew
you were the one i loved
the one thing that I tried to hold on to


it's like the most amazing sunset you've ever seen
there's never another quite the same
it just falls into some eternal sea
like the end of a movie that makes you cry
you're sad when it's over but you're glad you had
that moment that moved you deep inside

beautiful goodbye
baby goodbye
i enjoyed the ride
we really had us a time
it's a strange kind of high
a beautiful goodbye


i've run from these feelings for so long
telling my heart i didn't need you
pretending i was better off alone
but i know that it's just a lie
so afraid to take a chance again
so afraid of what i'd feel inside

(all by michelle branch)

tsunami in asia 

a month ago an american japanese guest speaker gave a sermon at the emmaunel evangelical church titled 'God's tsunami'. it was a sermon on mission, about christianity moving westwards, currently reaching asia and eventually returning back to jerusalem, then Jesus will return. i remember his words as the best sermon on missionary i had ever heard, it made me excited and what i really wanted to do was to write everything down and send them out to my friends and the ypg. but that never happened, cos i was as lazy as lazy can be, crap.

a week ago the real tsunami hit asia. i marvel at the coincidence, and i ache at the thought of the people who were swept away before first knowing Christ. reading the straits times interactive for the first time today was surreal, it is that close to home, but God's merciful hands shielded our island; amazing love how can it be? i dont know what i can do now but pray, for rescue, for recovery, for compassion, for strength, for mercy, for salvation. please, dear God.

and then there was two 

goodbye dad, i wish you didnt have to go home that soon.

places are alive, they mean different things to different people at different times. i remember i once said i wanted to come here to start everything anew, away from all the old painful little memories, away from the burdens of the past. and everything here has been an amazing new beginning for me ;) yet now that my aunt and cousin and uncle and (just a couple of hours ago) dad have gone back to our sunny home, i feel the wounds of nostalgia creeping up on me. i can never walk into chinatown and not remember our dinners at crispy duck day after day, i can never step into mansi's room and not remember the sight of my aunt and cousin playing handphone games on the bed, i can never look at the batboy theatre across my hall and not remember the figures of my dad and uncle diminishing as they make their walk back to passfield, i can never step into the kitchen and not miss the soups my mum make, i can never look step into heathrow airport and not experience the ache i feel each time the gates swallow each family member of my mine as they make their way back home. the airport is really a place of tears and joys, people reuniting people departing, come june i will fly home on the wings that took me here.

and now for a good final eight days with my mum.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1! 

happy new year! a feast at bankside before meeting up with my parents together with the rest of the motely crew for the countdown along the thames to welcome the new year with the rest of london. ooh, fireworks bursting from the skies at the climax of the countdown! lovely lovely lovely, especially those that looked like they had been shot into the sky from the london eye; for a good ten minutes all we could do was ooh and aah as the skies lit up and threw out pretty little surprises till the whole london eye was clouded from view because of the smoke, lovely ;) after that we went back to bankside for rounds and rounds of bridge and binge before finally making the long walk home at 330am, braving the strange drunk men and what not.

its 2005. 2004 has been by far the fastest year of my life, i sometimes cannot imagine how did these 12 months fly by me just like that. waitressing at crepes and cream with tien, ypg, a levels results, endless scholarship interviews, joining blacks and all the trainings tournaments and memories (nothing short of wonderful), God's amazing blessing of the scholarship, short stint at ntu with belle, the few days working at great world, trip to london in july, internship at airline house with rae and anand and the rest, mambo nite with the scholars, farewell party, heartache and tears, michaelmas term at lse, life in holborn, lazy morning jogs with tien, partying and drinking like never before, friends - new and old, little trips here and there, my family in london. it has been an incredible journey, mending wounds, growing up, opening hearts, living free. thank you God, for an incredible year.

for peace, for love, for hope, for perpetual memories and endearing relationships, for freedom and liberty, for you i wish, for 2005, happy new year ;) theme verse for the year: Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whaever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things. -Philippians 4:8

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS