silent all these years 

its still snowing drips and drops here, i dont know whether to be happy or sad. two people have reminded me that my uncle and aunt have left for mission work in lanzhou today, it may take them a year, two years, five years, forever. this only means i wont know for sure when i'll see them again, and it feels strange and dimly sad to know that going back wont be quite the same anymore. suddenly i miss home. i miss u guys...

my finger. i dont mind the pain every now and then, or cooking and eating and dressing and typing with just one left hand, all i want is to have fun at our party tomorrow, train some netball, go to the gym. okay maybe these dont even mean that much, all i ask is to play on sunday, one way or another, please. (dont get angry!)

there are so many things i cannot say here anymore.

there's no need to test my heart
with useless space
these roads go on forever
there'll always be a place
for you, in my heart
*broken hearts and concrete floors by dashboard confessional

shit happens 

okay, no glasgow for me.
oh the horror stories of the nhs dont lie. after waiting for 3 hours on thursday and 14 hours on friday, there was still no op for me. im really curious to know how long more will i have to wait today. sure, they gave me a bed and a telly and dinner after waiting for damn long yesterday, but sure, hell i missed the trip to glasgow ;( -sigh- basically my right index finger got caught in the hinge of a door in school on thursday, the nail broke into my flesh and my finger got somewhat sliced by the door and was bleeding profusely, it is slightly crooked now though i prob did not break any bone. thus i need an operation to remove the nail, stitch back the flesh and try to reattach nail. dunno whether can play in the finals next sunday, so yeah everything sucks. my friends are all away in some place or another having fun in the snow while i am stuck here in that stupid hospital, depressing. ARGH. ;(

but thank you. thank you tin for sticking by through all the blood and ordeal on thursday, thank you andrew for waiting with me at the hospital for the whole 14 hours in spite of a lack of sleep and an impending match, thank you tien for popping by and being with me every now and then in between your scheduled stuff, thank you anand n nic for dinner and chocolates, thank you sam for the company later, and thank you everyone else for cooking dinner, prayers, well-wishes and offers of help. shit happens, but im thankful for each one of you.

-wry sigh-

another one bites the dust 

been there done that, but ministry of sound is always an adventure ;P it started out pretty fine, tin and i got off the bus in our slightly inebriated state but still managed to find our way to mos where the two lovely ladies were waiting, thanks to the fact that we met botak along the way, though he was somewhat lost too i guess he was less lost than us. half an hour into dancing to the good solid music in the main area, we started taking photos and then it happened. i felt like dying, its like those moments when you turn the tv screen too bright and everything just feels like overexposed bright pink/orange dots. cant see, cant breathe, cant think, cant stand, i slumped on my friends who took me to the couch, then to the washroom, before the security guy took me to the sick bay area or one of those crap. then loh and mari stood beside me in the cubicle as i puked into the bowl until i finally had the voice to urge them to wait outside to spare further grossness. very very very thankful, they are the best friends anyone can have, and tin too lah ;P anyway i saw like red bits floating in my puke, i think that was the bacon. background info: for dinner i had a muffin, 1/3 of a garlic bread, salad with french dressing, 5 slices of bacon and a mini pork pie cos i was very uber hungry after training and my salad-pork floss lunch. pre game was only 2 shots of cointreau, so i dont understand how i almost passed out. but it was quite scary cos ive never felt like this before, not drunk, just losing control. back to the story, puking purged everything out and soon we were back to the dance floor for rnb and cheese which later turned into trance, stopping at short intervals for sleep and water ;P met a very hyper paul whom i always meet at crush later at the main area too, btw its a different paul, the english should be more creative with names. they were giving out free low carb kitkat bars during closing, and tin, mari and i stuffed our pockets silly, but before you snigger, lemme tell you that we saw this white girl dumping a whole box of 48 bars into her large pinky bag, and like 8 packs of condoms too to add to that, ugh.

im old. last night my thighs were aching like crazy and my knees threathen to snaaap. and today while rushing in 10mins late for my math lecture at 11, i skided down a flight of stairs at the peacock theatre and hurt my tailbone and back somewhat. ouch, yes i am old.

yay going to have lunch with ellie later, haven see her since she changed course in dec to social policy which she will only start in the new school year. double yay, going to make snow angels in the snow in glasgow on friday with 2 babes ;) be back on monday!

i wanna put on, my my my my boogie shoes 

yesterday was everything i dreamed this place to be ;)

murder on the dancefloor, the modern dance show roared to its finale last night with a full house and many friends in tow. different as the show might have been from the rj dance night and even more so the scgs concert, performing never loses its magic. there was hardly any technique or skill to worry about anymore, just smiling, beaming, enjoying the moment. i know i have always doubted my desire and committment to take part in this whole thing, but i really thank my mum for convincing me to do so, cos the moment the lights come on, i know there can be no regrets. its been 5weeks of crazy lazy practices but its been a load of fun dancing with and getting to know some people better, especially the looney happy boogie folks, and performing on stage together, nothing can take that away from us. but things change, and its strange cos today i woke up without that dull ache that accompanied the end of every dance concert ive danced in, and for once, someone, just someone passed on watching me dance ;) but its okay, i never really sold any tickets to anyone cos i just didnt feel like it was that worth coming to watch, but in the end most people turned up, and the flowers found their way into my arms, thank you ;) ...so i got really high from performing the last two nights, its magic, magic that might well keep me going back for more next year ;)

it SNOWED. both times during the dance show interval, and both times with loh, prancing out in our jazz pants and tank tops, both times looking up at the snow blowing into our faces and grinning. so last night before getting changed for our next dance after the interval, loh and i walked past the glass doors and with a silent glimpse outside, we looked at each other in amazement and in a flash dashed out with our cameras and nothing else. playing in the snow like silly little kids was awesome, much to the amusement of the people around us, esp the security guy haha. and we thought there would be no snow this year! but snow it did, light and elusive as it may be. il never forget these (first time in london) snowy days, the time we saw snow from the windows in the gym and ran out in gym wear only to have the snow stop before our eyes, the time we stood at the bus stop and stared out in wonderment at the snow, the time we walked home in the snow from a hearty korean meal. let it snow let it snow let it snow ;)

it was still snowing after the dance show when loh and i went off with paul to his house in stwockwell, which he shares with two other christian union blokes james and zim. paul's room is in the living room, in a little part separated from the couch and telly by a bamboo partition and batik cloths, very interesting and very pretty. james, paul, loh and me plopped in front of the telly, laughing over joey, thinking back about the dance show, sipping hot tea and munching on chocolate. and then we started to talk, about bush and the war and british public/private (do you know they are the same) vs state schools and ucas (paul worked at ucas after his a's) and wmds and british taxes and europe and stuff, then it was past midnight and loh and i had to go home. we missed the last bus and had to walk to another bus stop but that walk was good, paul told us he stayed in the philippines for a whole nine years when his parents were missionaries there, and he told us about his memories of the place, and finland, where his mum is from, and his hometown in cheltenham, and along the way we stopped to snap pictures of snow covered cars and videos of tiny balls of snow falling down on us. what a way to cap off an awesome day ;) the walk home after loh and i alighted from the bus and went separate ways was kinda scary and cold, but as the snow fell on me bit by bit, it suddenly felt so awesome to be here once again, to dance, to play rugby, to be with best friends, to be with new friends, to walk home in the snow.

amen, praise the Lord ;)

im sorry, Lord 

night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now for i am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unravelling
where we went wrong, it's all i can do to hang on
to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see

everything changes everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control but deep in my senses i know

how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see
*stupid by sarah mclachlan

i hope you dance 

i like sleepovers, especially when its with great friend, great food and great sharing. we talked so much yesterday, i suspect it even went on in our slumber...and i missed math lecture today cos we slept in, but it doesnt matter. to the pumpkin, i dont think you read this but i just wanna say i know you are strong enough for anything, time will tell.

happy brithday watson, my long lost magic maker.
happy birthday (for tomorrow the 18th of feb, yet another frazzled friday for me and thats why im saying it now) sam, my favourite orlua maker in london; and happy 21 den, my favourite cousin in the world, my childhood playmate, girlhood companion, teenhood buddy, and adulthood lets-see-whats-next ;)

thankful 

sometimes i feel really overwhelmed by the way God works in my life, in big things and small. every tuesday we have bible study at the lounge downstairs, last week i missed it cos of cny reunion, and this week i potentially had to miss it cos of our flat pancake dinner. of course i din wanna miss it, and besides the numbers have been small of late, so i prayed, a simply prayer for God to take control and see that his will is done. voila, pancake dinner was miraculously postponed cos lizzy couldnt make it, bible study yesterday was a good time of fellowship, and im really thankful for shamara's prayer for my cup finals, with God there is no fear. another answered prayer is the completion of my Rousseau essay, which i miracuously completed somewhat scrappily last night after staying up till 6am and 4am over two nights, but it could have been much worse cos i normally take eons to complete an essay. thank you God.

im really thankful that we din have to make the dreaded train ride down to berrylands for training today, all we did was a short jog round lincoln inn fields and circuit fitness training in the old gym in school, which didnt really count for much actually. wow this is the first wednesday ive actually got back before dark, and im thankful i finally got the chance to catch up with (and webcam my fat face to!) my old friends on msn. girl talk with durian and belle, first webcam session with kid, a brief catch up with you, and stories with mojo, sweet.

last but not least, i am thankful for home made lagsane and strawberry smoothie, 'we will rock you' the musical, and red tulips by my window. apart from the fire drill and hot chocolate powder all over my carpet, i dont think i could have ask for any more ;)

'where's my silverware?' 

yeah baby, we are in the university of london women's rugby cup finals!!! we beat a somewhat underperforming 14, then 13 women imperial college 45-5 in an extremely chilly afternoon match just now, with the wind making us gag and threatening to blow our already unpredictable odd shaped ball in even more unpredictable directions. i hate assessing my play, it was probably just average i guess, not brilliant enought to contribute to our score but not atrocious enough to contribute to the other team's score either ;( tackles have improved cos all week ive been thinking about nothing but tackles, so low i went, but still hesitated here and there, ive always got this fear about going for another man and leaving mine unmarked; but now attack needs to be worked on, play the ball more creatively n blitz past people. dear ol laura got a hat trick today, nothing short of awesome!

3 weeks to our cup finals on 6march2005. theres a rugby poster on my wall that says 'whether you think you can or you can't, you're right', and i darn think we can and will win, even though we dont even know who we're facing yet. if i could choose just one person to come, it'd be you, miss fong, but then again i dont even know if i will get to start and if i will let you down. anyhows my friends might come and watch, so thats something to psyche me up at least.. really excited for next next next sunday to come, but i fear il be living and breathing rugby so much in the mean time i will never be able to churn out my 3 essays and 2 presentations, besides its not a good thing that il have to miss the last sunday training because il be away. ahh cup finals, i wanna play play play and win win win, cup finals cup finals cup finals!!! ;D

the boogiemen 

guess what. today i found myself wandering oxford street with two guys, looking at men's clothes and only men's clothes, all the while not stepping into the ladies dept a single time. haha okay, we were supposed to look for striped shirts for the two guys for our boogie dance, but we ended up menswear shopping in topman, h&m, next and gap instead. not bad though, nikos bought this green and beige striped shirt i picked out and paul bought a beige long sleeved and a pair of brown pants, well to be fair he didnt need to buy a striped shirt anyway cos he has a flashy blue one he wears to crush ;) my the guys are vain, but i guess i would be too if i were a guy, anyone would, given the mismash of funky bordering on weird clothes at topman; topman has such weird clothes and weird people , think: certain polish guy who looked too effeminate to fancy girls in the first place. actually today made me open my eyes to the power of the male shopper, it seems alot of guys are every bit as fashionable and attention seeking as girls (haha), plus they buy what they like, unlike girls who spend an average of half an hour comtemplating on each piece of clothing. anyway today was silly fun, nikos and paul kept me sufficiently entertained whilst i happily picked out clothes for them, laughed at rainbow striped shirts with them, and waited long and lazy for them as they preened and posed in the changing room. out of point stuff i learnt today: according to nikos, every greek guy owns at least one pair of white pants cos it is just too hot in greece (mmm think PAP and the raffles family ;P), and paul says he bought his violin at home in cheltenham for 777quid! -blink blink-

come to think of it, i think my sleep patterns have just been totally screwed. fell asleep doing my essay at 2am last night, awoke at 830am for netball and gym, came home showered had instant noodles and bolted out again to catch the first half of wales-italy six nations match at tien's, left tien's to go for boogie rehearsal at some studio, and then i meant to get my ass back to complete my essay and the assortment of homework. but heres where it all went awry: could not resist the temptation of shopping with nikos and paul, got back at 6pm, switched on my laptop and before i could get my hands on my keypad i fell asleep on my bed all the way till 9pm when zhijia called, thereafter i finally hauled myself up to complete my essay and scribble out some math econ spanish homework, and made dinner. wide awake now, but i must sleep. nervewrecking semi final match tomorrow!

ohyeah, speaking of which ive got a bruise on my left cheek and lip from wednesday's match. mansi thinks ive been fighting, astrid thinks ive been drawing on myself. -laughs- oh the joy of battle scars.

let the feasting ever end! 

saturday 5 february
singsoc dinner at poons - singsoc committee


monday 7 february
chinese new year dinner at holborn flat 1A - mansi, katie, lizzy, me


tuesday 8 february
reunion dinner at bankside - singaporeans


thursday 10 february
sia scholars dinner at four seasons - wenwei, alvin, liying, anand, kenneth, me, yuwei

happy chinese new year, happy rooster year! although im miles away from home, i guess i have followed the traditions as best as i could have, bought two oranges to put by my window sill, trimmed my fringe, spring cleaned my carpet and my desktop, and have been wearing red (as you can see from the photos ;P). all my dinners have been nothing short of amazing: at poons we had steamed fish for the first time in a long while, with my flatmates we had home made yu sheng, for the reunion at bankside there was or lua, hand made dumplings, hand made tang yuan, bak ku teh, beef rendang, sweet sour pork and a million other things painstakingly prepared by about all 30 of us, and at four seasons it was the best duck in the world and waffle and drinks at the IC union bar after that ;) but i miss home more than ever, i miss the steamboat reunions at my home, the mad rush on the morning of cny, watching telly at aunt laura's, cracking gua ji at grandma's, midnight movie with dennis. i wonder if celebrations at home felt a tad different without me, haha but the world doesnt revolve around me i suppose, the festivities at home did go on like they do every year. okay no more moping, actually i do feel quite festive even here lah, at least theres me, my ba kwa and my pineapple tarts. -eyes pineapple tarts by window sill- cheers to a brand new rooster year to crow about! ;P

the fat lady smiles 

i am stuffed. chinese new year dinner part 2 (part 1 was with the singsoc at poon's restaurant) with my flatmates katie, lizzy and mansi. picture this, 4 girls decked in red tops feasting on, in order: pineapple tarts, ba kwa, yu sang, spicy curry chicken with steamed rice, vegetarian spring rolls, dumplings, fried nian gao, tang yuan, tiger beer, sweet melons snack platter and lucky sweets. dun ask me about the last two, dear ol american katie bought them from chinatown, together with the spring rolls, dumplings and nian gao. picture this again, lone tall white girl standing rooted in a flurried chinese supermarket unable to read a single packet label and not sure what to do, as she recounted amusingly to each of us. and you know what she asked when her tang yuan broke? 'what do you do when it is broken?' 'ummmmmm, eat it?!' and then the whole kitchen burst into laughter for a good five minutes. but i love katie, she grated the yu sang vegetables, fried the dumplings, and fried the nian gao (which she initially wanted to make from scratch, hehe). what cheer, chinese new year with 3 clueless folks, 4 maybe, cos i actually had to read up online about all the dishes just so i could explain adequately when they asked. but it was an awesome 3.5 hours of feasting, catching up and dissing each other and all, im happy! and next tuesday we will be celebrating pancake day - shove tuesday one week belatedly, with american pancakes, british pancakes and french crepes -drools- cant wait ;)

the Lord is amazing, amazing beyond the comprehension of man. it so happened that i stayed over at mari's room last night, do you know what happened? at 4am, katie, lizzy and mansi each heard people banging their doors and trying to yank the handle open while shouting weird things. it sounds really scary, they all thought they had gone crazy or something but had to just hide under the covers and try to fall asleep. imagine if i werent at mari's, i dont know what would have happened cos i have forgotten to lock my door countless of times and last night would have been no different -shudders- and what does my quiet time passage for today say? God's timing is always right. amazing.

i just wanna feel real love 

its days like this when we all feel like we're all on one long holiday. the pumpkin and i stayed over last night to celebrate the birthday girl's, uh birthday ;) that was of course done booze free but in style, although the birthday rite was somehow imposed on the two non-birthday us, more dubious photos to add to the collection i suppose. the celebration itself ended with the birthday girl sitting on her bed bandaging her bloodied toe which she had mashed into the door (of which pumpkin and i had no part in), with a belt looped round her neck, and a slice of coffee walnut cake sitting pretty in the base of the belt loop, what a fine sight! ;P pumpkin and i woke up on the bed next morning, with the birthday girl ironically having taken her place on the floor. when i first opened my eyes, i did think i was at home, after all the sun was streaming in, the bed was warm toasty and soft, and my two best friends were near. we spent the sleepy morning at covent garden sipping coffee and savouring (and struggling with actually) belgian waffles and blueberry muffin by the patio. and then we remembered it was monday and we had school and i crawled into econ lecture, while the kiddos awaited theirs in the afternoon.

happy birthday mari, twenty, you've come a long way now ;)

when i've shown you that i just dont care 

god i feel like hell tonight
tears of rage i cannot fight
i'd be the last to help you understand
are you strong enough to be my man

nothings true and nothings right
so let me be alone tonight
cause you cant change the way i am
are you strong enough to be my man

lie to me i promise i'll believe
lie to me but please dont leave

i have a face i cannot show
i make the rules up as i go
its try and love me if you can
are you strong enough to be my man

when i've shown you that i just dont care
when i'm throwing punches in the air
when i'm broken down and i cant stand
will you be strong enough to be my man

lie to me i promise i'll believe
lie to me but please dont leave
*strong enough by sheryl crow

sunny side down 

tis not the cheeriest of times i lament. a hundred and one cares have besieged me, and i wonder when the sun will shine again (perhaps never, given that i now reside in this side of the world) . we won our first match of the year against gkt by a hard fought 10-7, but that doesnt erase the fact that i didnt play any good, attack was fine but my defence seriously need lots of working on. kinda disappointed that my hard work in the gym has failed to translate into better performance of the field, and i am mildly disturbed by the thought that im actually enjoying myself more at the post match drinks and dance than during the match itself. but nah, that can never be. essay and presentation deadlines loom over my chinese new year week, i am so not gonna survive given that theres some dinner somewhere everyday next week. dance show is a pain, i cant dance the ballet and i cant remember all my steps. i cant go on the weekend trip to italy with the guys cos im going to glasgow in week7 and theres our rugby ulu cup finals (supposing we get past the semis) in week8. i feel lacking as a servant of God, all around me i see people who serve God with such discipline and dynamism, and i cant help but look at my weak attempts and despair. and there are other cares i guess i just cant divluge here.

but thank you my friends, dice, tien, belle, mojo and kid ;) i am better now, and i guess all i need to do is to find the maturity to not be too hard on myself and just let go when it is the right time to. God is good, all the time, and that's all that matters.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS