an open prayer 

dear God,
thank You for the perfect plans You have for each one of us, wherever You have placed us at this moment in time. as we steel ourselves to keep afloat during this exam season, please guard our hearts and guard our minds. watch over us as we work hard at our dreams, but teach us to commit these dreams to You, and to pray and be thankful always. as You comfort our anxious and weary hearts, as You walk each heavy step beside us, let Your strength be made perfect in our weaknesses so that we will experience Your peace that no one else can give us. help us to seek solace in our friends, and help us likewise to be a source of support to them so that we may 'carry each other's burdens' as You instructed in galations 6:2. as we perservere on, open our eyes not to only see the light at the end of the tunnel, but to see the unending skies above us and remember the heavenly home we will return to for the billions of years to come. in Your love, Amen.

You're here in my heart
You're the light that guides me through the dark
You walk beside me the night seems cold
each time i fall Your arms are there to hold
You walk beside me giving strength i've never known
i am not alone You walk beside me
i am not alone

You're here in my mind
i talk to you and all my fears unwind
i know im loved for who i am
You make me want to be the best that i can
You walk beside me giving strength i've never known
and i am not alone You walk beside me
I am not alone wherever the road leads

and i rely on Your patience when i face the unknown
and because of You i am not alone

i am not alone You're always beside me
i am not alone in the sun in the rain
through the good times and in the pain You're always beside me
i reach out for Your hand, i know that You understand
*i am not alone by natalie grant

dates are important 

was struck when i realized today's date. its the 27th of april.
two years ago...moved on, but some things you just dont forget.
someone said, God, not time, heals.
thank You for holding the broken pieces together.

biting bullets 

summer term has started. the anticipation and spark that marks the start of every new term has however failed to appear this time, but it could be cos i didnt even have to go to school today since all my monday lectures have been completed. spent the gloomy drizzly day at kings lib with mari before catching up with tien over dinner.

yet in spite of the good company, i came back to feel the entire weight of the world upon me. theres so much to study for and i need to start remembering my stuff, it doesnt help that i am just so distracted by anything that can take my eyes off my books. i keep thinking about stupid things. rugby finals coming up when we havent trained for eons. other things troubling me everytime they gatecrash my head. im still so far from home.

God will make a way. theres no other way out.

the smiles are not real 

i feel like this is all a game. and the only reason why im playing on is not because i love the game, but because im afraid of letting my team mates down. the only reason why im not calling it quits is not because i enjoy the game, but because i fear that i may never find another game i excel this well in. the grass is always greener on the other side, no?

"if you are always focusing on the thoughts of others, then whats the point of having your own?" -from the trailer of 'a good woman'

behind glass walls 

last staurday of easter break is supposed to be a time to play. play we did, frisbee and random rugby throwing kicking and set playing at lincoln inns fields near school in the morning. although it was drizzling and slippery and i fell like twice, and i was aching like shit from gym after two weeks of no-show, and my ankle was in a precarious condition, and i couldnt quite keep up with the high frisbee standards of the other team, i had muchisimo fun. theres something innately happyfying about running around with a group of mates, even if it is catching no frisbee and falling all over. when play ended, adrian, sam and i headed down to chinatown for lunch followed by desert at ed's diner, and this time we shared a butterscotch milkshake and a peanut butter milkshake (peanut butter kicks ass!).

we returned to school by 3pm and got down to mugging for the last time in the brunchbowl before the start of summer term. twas an unproductive day, i was restless and warm and by 5pm i had barely finished half a econs past year paper. headed down to raine's house for some fresh air, and to help her vaccum her room (dont laugh), before hauling my ass back to school at around 730pm. spent more than one freaking hour on a bloody econs question which made the three of us almost tear our hair out in agony, but yeah its over now. was not feeling too good after coming back from raine's so after solving the question, i grabbed my stuff and ajourned to the lib for some serious mugging after having done almost nought the whole day. sam joined me later and though i started off really distracted by msn and all, i managed to steel myself and complete one macro chapter. unable to believe both the fact that we had skipped dinner and that we had stuck in the lib till 3am, we made our way home, one 'last' time.

now im just sitting here feeling weird, both sad and happy, unsure and excited, distant and near, miffed and missing. sometimes thats how life works, beyond belief or control. i dont know what to say.

its 4am, i should be in bed.

no one knows 

i'm nothing fancy
i'm nothing special thats true
but i know what your thinking
cos i'm thinking that same thing too
now you'd like everything to go your way
and i should probably say everything you'd like me to say
but thats not me and baby that just wouldnt be you
you better watch how long you wait
cos baby you might wait too long

i don't know if i could make you happy and
i don't know if i could make you cry
i don't know if the clock stops at midnight
i can't see past forever but together we can fly
together we can fly
*i don't know by uncle kracker

these are the years we're given 

the past couple of days have been classic, sometimes i still cant believe this is uni life. my body clock is running 3hours late, i sleep at 6am, wake at 12pm, lunch at 3pm, dinner at 9pm. on tuesday though, i earned 30quid just sitting around for 4hours, welcoming people in for the accomodation tours at holborn, good money i must say. other than that my days have been pretty much routine, i never ever hear my alarm and that explains the late waking, so i end up scampering out of bed and having a quick chat on msn before running along to school. at happyhour 3pm, sam and i pop down to benjys to get 1quid paninis and jacket potatoes and break for lunch. then its back to the grind with the occassional song humming, talk coking, victor-going-to-wrights-bar-for-the-'n'th-time, and before we know it its dinnertime at 9pm, usually chinatown takeout or macs. back to work, and when they close the brunchbowl at midnight, sam and i ajourn to the library to suffer among the muggers. home by 3am and more msn with mates back home. by 6am i start to see stars and fall into bed, but always first thinking about home in two months and getting all excited. yeah thats the story of my life right now, its unfortunate that gym hasnt found a place somewhere cos my sleeping patterns are screwed. but later im gonna try wake up early, good morning gym, its been some time.

exams are not nice. but i have super study buddies, good songs by jay chou (yeah hun! ;D) and the calling, someone who cares enough to send custard buns to me in the lib at 1am, rara+, belle+, durian, den, kid, ryan, ahgong, mojo, butterflyboy, stallion, dice, yier, jas, and old friends i cant wait to see, parents who count down to my return, and above all, an unfailing God. gonna keep running, till i get home ;)

is it love tonight when everyones dreaming of a better life
in this world divided by fear we've gotta believe that
theres a reason we're here
yeah, theres a reason we're here

cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments these are the times
lets make the best out of our lives

see the truth all around
our faith can be broken and our hands can be bound
but open our hearts
and fill up the emptiness with nothing to stop us
is it not worth the risk
yeah is it not worth the risk

cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives
even if hope was shattered
i know it wouldnt matter
cause these are the moments these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives
*our lives by the calling

is this the prize i've waited for 

for once, let me count my blessings because sunday is happyday ;) made it to all souls church in the morning though both of us overslept, oh to be in the house of the Lord. on the way to lunch after church, we walked past the only shoe shop open along the whole street towards covent garden and i finally got myself a pair pair of dark brown suede boots, for only 10quid, and to think i gave up on getting suede boots after coming back empty handed from germany. we had lunch at kfc followed by peanut butter(!) and banana milkshake at ed's diner, nothing makes my tastebuds happier than peanut butter! came back and talked to my mum and my mates on msn, and raine sent me the best song ive heard this weekend (as you can guess, i've been listening to lots of good songs the past few days). dinner was mee rebus cooked by chef tan who claimed that he had to multi-task like crazy while i refused to help, but chefs are meant to be darn capable right ;P

rejuvenated for the final week of easter break, gotta muster up whatever will's left in myself to get down to learning micro econs from scratch. weary worrying times, but at least ive got friends who suffer with me in school, who sing (and translate) jay chou songs with me, who cycle to bayswater to buy four seasons duck rice for all of us, who dream about the end of all this with me. thank You, Lord.

are these times contagious
i've never been this bored before
is this the prize i've waited for
now as the hours passing
theres nothing left here to ensure
i long to find the messenger

have i got a long way to run
have i got a long way to run
yeah i run

is there a cure among us
from this processed sanity
i weaken with each voice that sings
now in this world of purchase
i'm gonna buy back memories
to awaken some old qualities

have i got a long way
have i got a long way
have i got a long way to run
have i got a long way to run
*run by collective soul

have i got a long way to home?

because promises are made to be broken 

the sky has not seen sunshine for a long long time
yet your smile still lingers in the clouds
the crying has been done but the guilt remains unburied

the kite is stranded in the gloomy dark sky
my yearning for the past awaits some kind of rescue
i pull the kite string and relive the your tenderness

the loneliness lying in the corner
laughs at the promises i cannot make
how can it be that you have forgiven me once again
*translated from ge qian by jay chou

to no one in particular 

i am at breaking point because you are making me more stressed out that i need to be, so bloody close to breaking into pieces that i have to run away and seek comfort in the laughter of a loving wolf and in the songs of a monkey behind the screen.

sometimes you can't make it on your own 

the past two days have been spent at the grand king's library studying with the the girls i love. i like it there, majestic building facing a cosy little garden courtyard where we eat 'soapy' bakwa and watch the clock tick by unwilling to face the books after lunch. at other times though we sit silently at our tables working our guts off, breaking only to pee, laugh over bits of monsters inc, and chat over muffins. the only drawback is that i cant blast jay chou, but i still played the songs really softly and ended up 'chasing' an old lady away. studying is miserable but i have loh and mari and thats all i ever need ;)

this morning i had a little chat with belle before i left for the lib. her words made a lot of sense, and suddenly i felt as though i had really lost my way along the way. then i thought about machiavelli who said that men are skeptical and do not like change especially when they have already got something right; and i guess im like that when it comes to using the heart and the head. but it is the head that plans and the heart that loves, and love fails but reason fails too. and what i am trying to say, i dont know, ive lost my way once again.

i still miss rugby, playing those matches at yck, spe, farrer park, berrylands. remember the dreams i once had, whatever happened to me? i must have broken every single promise i have made to myself, once upon a time when i wanted them so badly. i still do.

i believe the sun will rise one day
and we'll come alive and reach for something real
i can feel the sun through darkest sky
but all the faith inside won't take away this fear
and i'll be stronger than before
cause they can't bleed me anymore

i believed the tired man when he said
that nothing here weighs heavier than regret
he must have known someone just like me
now i've fallen down but don't give up on me yet
cause i'll be stronger than before
and they can't bleed me anymore

i believe in a monday morning dream
of a rising star and a celebration of freedom
i believe the sun will rise some say
with an independence day for every season
and i'll be stronger than before
cause they can't bleed me anymore
*bleed by american pearl

its about one month to the exams, two months till im home again ;)

april showers by the dozen 

three years, broken into one year of summer and two years of winter. today exactly three years later, we start autumn, i kid myself no more.

when autumn comes it doesnt ask
it just walks in where it left you last
and you never know when it starts
until theres fog inside the glass around your summer heart
*something's missing by john mayer

x x x
in the span of the past five days, i have been blessed to know that BOTH my best friends, and a good old friend have found their other halfs. if either of you are reading this, here's a happy hug and a shoutout for manniversaries of summer sunshine ;)

at the end of the story 

i have gone looney. every exam does strange things to me, this time i spent the better part of the day downloading sad melancholic jay chou songs although i do not listen to chinese songs and i have never heard any of his songs before. but now i fancy them, because they are slow, raw, and have sad words.

lets be honest for once, its been some time since i have been honest here. its tragic how the past lives on in us even though we have walked long and far away. when i look into the distant past, there are no longer tears, but i peer unflinchingly not unlike someone reading a story. i am not weak anymore, but i am still weak because the fears and flaws live on in me. i thought about this many years ago, and since then i have always believed that relationships are only justified if they make both individuals better, better in the sense that they are not only happier together but also that they are singularly better in every sense of the word, more God-loving, compassionate, responsible, mature, achieving, happy of course. and if that is not the case, then perhaps one is better than two. i cannot change the past and its every breath on every part of me, and i am made much much worse because of that, but you know i always only want the best, not just for me, but for you and me. it looks like i have been weak and lost for a long time now.


this is translated from one of the songs i have been listening to, it is not meant for anyone, but i like it because it is sad, tragic even.
how long will it be till i am near you again
waiting for clear skies maybe i will feel better
long long ago someone loved you for a long time
but the wind kept blowing us further apart
finally the day for love has come again but
at the end of the story you still said goodbye

goodbye, goodnight tragic world.

my life and my no-life 

my normal study day back during the o's and a's used to be: wake up at 10am, read the straits times from cover to cover, start work at 11am, break for tapau-ed dumpling soup/ instant noodles/ biscuit lunch at 2pm, watch the rerun of some chinese serial at 230pm, panick and get back to work, wait for my parents return from work with a dinner treat like orlua or fried chicken, watch the 9pm and 1030pm shows while working, go online till 3am, sleep.

my normal study day today is: wake up at 10am, check email and talk to mates online, start work at 11am, break for chocolate/ instant noodles/ apple lunch at 2pm, panick and get back to work, talk to mates at home on msn at 6pm, wait for a friend to come and cook dinner and have dinner with me, wash dishes, surf online randomly while working, give up by 2am, sleep.

as you can see, i have no life. okay, maybe 'cept when i go to the gym, go grocery shopping at sains, go to church on sunday, and do the rare dimsum at chinatown and movie. then again, i still have no life. why.

i am loved 

by mari who will wave her shirt for me at our finals
by raine who talks to me almost every night
by chef tan who cooks me dinner after dinner
by tien whom i can share rugby secrets with
by my old coach who made my day with a fuzzy email
by the rest of you who love me in silence
by God who watches over me

i am ready to tackle them books.

the legends 

of calellafest2005 shall remain at calella never to be brought back with us. in other words, this was the wildest, wettest, filthiest, skankiest, mingest party i have ever been and will ever be a part of. in other words, there are some things i never want to remember about this trip, yet i know i will never forget. in other words, i have just been to hell and back. its been a sin-filled ride; dont ask, dont ask.

i don't believe that anybody feels
the way i do about you now
and all the roads we have to walk along are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how
*wonderwall by oasis

mumble mumble 

its back, stressed to pieces. was looking forward to running in the gym after so long cos of the ankle and all, but my fitness is down and i only managed 4km today before i started to see stars. but running did help to lift the gloom, and im cheered that my ankle is recovering well. other than that, my flat is empty and those moments when i am lonely and stressed to breaking point, i can neither sleep or eat adequately and all that is in my heart is home home home. but everyone and everything has changed isnt it, its inevitable; and i feel like i will always be just an outsider looking in, because i have lost these days and months and i will never be a part of their memories. it is a depressing vicious cycle, exams have a wicked effect on me. i need to study but every morning i log on to msn and talk to my mates day to night, because the burden is too heavy to bear and i need to know that someone is there, so thank you for talking to me on msn if you have the past two days. john 14:27, thats whats keeping me sane.

goodbye im off to calella and maybe barca for a week to play some rugby and get wasted mostly. i hope this trip does me some good by giving me some form of release, sun and fun yeah, though somehow i feel that everything is simply gonna add to the stress im feeling, like what, going on trip after trip a month before the exams i must be outta my mind. and im upset that raine's email to me got lost in cyberspace.

but heads up, and as our tour song goes, 'i will survive'.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS