promise me 

long sundays journey into night, but its been a good day ;) woke up from just three hours of sleep after spending the night talking to R on msn, then made my way to all souls church with J. after church we had lunch at harry ramsdens express before going over to lilywhites for sports stuff, love that place. yeah i actually bought something...a six nations jersey for 20quid ;) okay on hindsight 60bucks is alot to blow just like that, but i had just survived four killer papers and havent bought clothes in awhile, so i convinced myself i deserved it though i cant quite make the connection either haha. afternoon was spent in school splitting my head over math with the usual guys until dinnertime where S and i made the 30min long walk to bankside where a feast awaited. havent had such gooooood homecooked food in a while, handmade fried dumplings, prawn paste fried chicken, beef and chicken stock rendang, pork chops, green bean soup in celebration of margaret's birthday! the company was awesome bordering on looney haha, havent laughed so hard in quite a while ;) hung around after dinner watching mtv and listening to good music, then took a solo stroll back to school which was kinda refreshing actually. more mugging with K and R before we made our way home at midnight, where we continued with more song sharing and late night conversations that have become a cherished part of my life. i am happy ;)

i am amazed i just rediscovered do as infinity and their song 'yesterday today', been years since i last heard it but i still love it just as much, sweet, very sweet. it goes dear friends, so long...i love the beginning.

promise me you'll wait for me
cos i'll be saving all my love for you
and i will be home soon
promise me you'll wait for me
i need to know you feel the same way too
and i'll be home, i'll be home soon
*promise me by beverly craven

yes, my dears, i'm coming home to you guys soon ;)

safe in a crazy world 

finally a chance to breathe. minor liberation today after i wrote my fourth ir essay and said one last goodbye to ir, although i really did love the course. one night of indulgence for me, dinner at the place we ate at before our econ paper, getting apples and choc digestives from sains, catching up with old buds on msn, talking about post exam fun with friends i'll miss dearly over summer, a good warm shower, snuggling in bed without formulae and definitions on my mind, dreaming about home. all is lovely, at least until tomorrow when i get down to work on my last paper on 6june, havent touched my math notes in at least three weeks ;( it feels strange that the impending end of exams brings a tinge of sadness to my heart, i'll miss the constancy of the days spent struggling in the company of S, K, R and W, i'll miss the friends ive made here and those ive failed to hold on to, i'll miss my little holborn room, i'll miss london. i fear the obstacles that linger ahead, but all things must come to an end and i accept this like a young girl grown old.

(to quote a friend) this year the lesson i learnt, is friends. back home there was always home to go back to after every awful paper, lousy match or screwed up day. over here, my shelter comes from the amazing individuals who share my life; i guess i can never put in words how blessed i feel to have someone get dinner for us the night before our exams, someone buying me thai sweet chilli crisps after a crappy paper, someone leaving peanut butter milkshake for me in the fridge, someone trying to understand my problems even when exams loom, someone praying for me. i wish i could be just half as good a friend.

you keep me flying, you keep me smiling
you keep me safe in a crazy world
you understand me, embrace my fragility
you keep me safe in a crazy world
and in your arms i find the strength to believe in me again
*safe in a crazy world by corrinne may

part three and part four 

Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle. My lovingkindness and my fortress, my high tower and my deliverer, my shield and the One in whom i take refuge.
-Psalm 144:1-2

statistics paper ST107 on thursday afternoon, international relations paper IR100 on friday afternoon, gonna have to will myself to put up a good fight. i believe He is a God of wonderful works beyond the limits of our imagination, and i thank Him for the prayers that have been made for me. dear buds, we struggle and we carry each others' burdens as much as we can, but for the rest which our strength can't seem to bear, remember we have a great God. take heart.

part two 

Be joyful in hope, patient in tribulation, steadfast in prayer.
-Romans 12:12

i thank God for the anchors in my life right now, i believe everything happens for a reason, i trust that His plans are perfect. government paper GV100 on tuesday morning, please remember me in prayers ;)

(the luckiest, because if anything, i feel so unworthy of my friends who love me; i will never be able to return this blessing.)

rainy days 

three papers next week, keep running keep fighting. there is just one thing that is keeping me afloat right now, and i hate to say that if one day i have to wake up from this dream and give up this one thing, everything will just fall apart. one day at a time, i'll survive.

put your head on my shoulder
no need to worry about a thing
if you need me i'll be there in a hurry
call on me time and time again
cause you're my friend

so let me be the one to save ya
cause its the least that i can do
and you don't have to return the favour
cause i promise you oh we're gonna make it through
*my friend by blessid union of souls

part one 

The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still. -Exodus 14:14
my favourite verse, it says so much in so few words. amen ;)

while my best friends have all completed their exams and my most of my lse mates have at least started theirs,i take my first paper tomorrow morning, EC102. i am kinda jittery and nervous cos i dont wanna let anybody down, myself included. but dear Lord, i give You my dreams.

holy communion 

* * *

when the city sleeps, 

i am alone. trying to make sense of thomas hobbes, trying to find a way back into the lives of those back home, trying to erase my muse from my swirling thoughts, trying to get jay chou lyrics right, trying to stop myself from cooking din at 2am, trying to talk to God. its trying, really.

i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever known
don't know where it goes but its home to me and i walk alone
i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams
when the city sleeps and i'm the only one and i walk alone
i walk alone i walk alone
i walk alone i walk alone

my shadow's only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
till then i walk alone

i'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind
on the border line of the edge and where i walk alone
read between the lines what's fucked up and everything's alright
check my vital signs and know i'm still alive and i walk alone
i walk alone i walk alone
i walk alone i walk alone

my shadow's only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
till then i walk alone

i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams
when the city sleeps and i'm the only one and i walk alone

my shadow's only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
till then i walk alone
*boulevard of broken dreams by green day

all the things she said 

i havent been out in a while, going to school and kings library and dinner around red lion street and church aside. walking home through covent garden just now made me feel like a tourist all over again, which is tragic since convent garden is literally my 'backyard'. dinner at apogee's with loh, mari and shirps whos here on holiday, followed by an ice cream treat from shirps, who happens to be the birthday girl as well ;) the three ladies should be at ministry of sound now, guess whos sitting at home doing her work. its amusing sometimes but all it takes is loh and mari and some solid music in the background to make me want to club and go crazy all over again; i guess i could have gone tonight and still catch up with my work again tomorrow, but thats not the point really. the point is discipline, and accountability to well, the people i care about enough to feel accountable to.

its crunch time now, we sit in the close proximity of each other in the brunchbowl and do work for three hours straight without goofing around or stopping to whine and talk cok, i am quite amazed. one week to exams, everyone is obviously stressed and weary and worried, but chin up guys. though honestly, am finding it hard to hang in there myself; i wish i could go have fun with the kings girls, or laze around watching rugby in t's kitchen, or play frisbee and have wong kei and eds peanut butter milkshake every weekend, or chat and webcam with my friends back home for hours and hours, or catch up with mates who are going back to the land of the free after summer, or mill around at hyde park with an ice cream cone and rugby ball in hand, or take a road trip to somewhere, or just lie on my bed listening to jay chou and his 'kai bu liao kou'. but i cant, cos thats how things work.

did you lose yourself somewhere out there
did you get to be a star
and don't it make you sad to know that
life is more than who we are
*name by goo goo dolls

there's always more to stories never told 

when we started it was years ago
we tried so hard to find our souls
and lose the innocence that won't let go
so we crossed the line and can't turn back
happy endings never last
cause there's always more to stories never told

is this what ive been waiting for
a life for someone else
to polish all my faded dreams and put them on the shelf
is this what ive been dreaming of
cause i'm needing so much more
i'm just trying to get back where we were before

we'd shine so hard for everyone
cause we thought we had forever and
a day we never thought would end this way
with a million mornings left to come
we never cared for losing one but its half past my forever
and i need someone to hold my hand

and you're just what ive been waiting for
to come and take me into grab ahold of
and take control and make me whole again
and if you need my everything
you can take it all and more
just help me get back to where we were before

ive grown numb to some things hunger for one thing
that takes me back to where it all begain
i know we've grown apart but every now and then
i just close my eyes and here we are again
*where we were before by blessid union of souls

what do you make of my riddles 

sunflowers, mum, because i love you lah / when someone you've tried so hard not to screw up actually turns around and screws your life up, do you 1) walk away 2) walk away and burn the bridge behind you 3) do a an-eye-for-an-eye / the day i skipped school for you (*qing tian by jay chou) / i have no time for lies / i crawl under my duvet and think about you / i play music to destress, but all my mind does is blend itself to pulp / if no one wakes me, i will fall asleep on my books / dynamics change when the gate crashes and we dont laugh anymore / some of you didn't say goodbye, but i miss you all the same / its simple, if its right then its supposed to feel good / home in five weeks / so what if you achieve that one goal and end up losing the thing that means the most to you / sometimes the last thing you want comes in first, sometimes the first thing you want never comes, and i know waiting is all you can do (*strange and beautiful by aqualung) / over and out.

4am and thankful for... 

friend R who takes the time to send me emails to motivate me to study hard. its no biggie, but it really means alot to me, the confused-distracted-addicted-to-msn-kid.

friend T who shares great memories with me. no matter what happens and no matter how many years down the road, we will always still look back at the same entity with much fondness and wistfulness, and laugh as hard as before at among many things, the first match and the 'shouting' incident. timeless.

friend N who is a God-send. in the midst of the struggles and peer pressure, she is the one who really understands, and she is the one always makes me realize that nothing is too big for God.

friends S and K, for jay chou times, for dinner times, for heartfelt conversation times, for puddie times, for crazy singing times, for 'wo-bu-zhi-dao' times, for i miss home times, for just being there to mug together times. for giving me something to look forward to.

my mum, because its mothers day n for the first time, i cant be there ;(

till today i still wonder 

was so worn out last night i fell into bed just as i was preparing to start work at midnight. woke up five minutes ago staring down at the aching void that i did not anticipate this time, feeling the full weight of the defeat crash down upon me. yesterday was the last chance, the last match, the last goodbye. maybe there are regrets after all.

i look at the medal and feel miserable. i dont know why.

confessions of a rugby cup runner up 

my story 

a very good conversation over dinner in school with sam and kelv yesterday. little reflections on how we ended up here, the land of absurd weather, skyhigh prices, ready meals, raw freedom and wildest dreams. we all have our own stories, mine was a story of a dream to study at this one place, something my parents could hardly afford but dimly possible with the pooling of resources from our house and loving uncles and aunts. but how could i. the waiting moments were long and harsh and in the darkest days i felt my vulnerable heart turn bitter, i felt powerless over the one thing that i knew could change my life. but i shouldnt have, because the Lord can make a dream come true, and He did. our stories are all different, but one thing is the same, that the three of us are overwhelmingly thankful to be given the chance to be at very this place right here right now. i am thankful to God, who carried me faithfully through ever single transition in my life, to my parents for loving me beyond imagination and wanting only the best for me, to the organization that gave me the chance to live my dream, to every teacher who taught me something, to my friends who prayed with me, to my friends who dreamed with me, to my friends who celebrated with me. i am very very very blessed to be here, it could have been anyone else in my place, and because of that i really treasure and appreciate this chance that i have been given.

there, was inspired to peservere on in my revision after our meaningful dinnertime chat. i know it has not always been all candy dandy over here, and i may have my little problems every now and then, but i have no reason to mope, because i am where i want to be doing what i want to do. nothing can take that away from me, not the exams, nor the occasional homesickness, nor the missing friend.

i may long to go back every now and then, but i will always cherish these three years. to think almost one third of the journey has passed.

till i next see you smile 

the sky has lost its color the sun has turned to grey
at least thats how it feels to me whenever you're away
i crawl up in the corner to watch the minutes pass
each one brings me closer to the time you're coming back

i can't take the distance i can't take the miles
i can't take the time until i next see you smile
i can't take the distance and im not ashamed
that with every breath i take im calling your name
but i can't take the distance

i still believe my feelings but sometimes i feel too much
i make believe you're close to me but it aint close enough
not nearly close enough

i can't take the distance i can't take the miles
i can't take the time until i next see you smile
i can't take the distance and im not ashamed
that with every breath i take im calling your name

i brave fire and i brave rain
to be by your side i'd do anything
i can't take the distance

i will go the distance i will go the miles
thats how much you mean to me
cause i can't take the distance i can't take these miles
i can't take the time until i next see you smile
i can't take the distance and im not ashamed
that with every breath i take im calling your name
i can't take the distance

its hard to remember as long as you're away
when i find solace theres only one way
*the distance by evan and jaron

dear friend, i know you have important things to concentrate on right now. i miss you, i wish you could stop to talk or play, but your time is not for me to ask for. hope you are well, till i next see you smile ;)

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS