feels like home to me 

i survived wednesday fitness training! just like old times, i feel this mysterious sense of accomplishment after all the running and jumping and throwing, though you know what, i might just K.O. tomorrow given that my upper body has been pretty much immobile since the first training on sunday. the club has grown, ive never seen so many people down for fitness before, but now it all looks so promising. we used to wonder about what was gonna happen after our three years were up, one year has passed and some seniors are still here still the same, with many promising kiddos the pass the baton on to. we'll see how it all goes in two, maybe three years.

saying no can be so difficult sometimes, and when i shook my head today some part of me felt like it had died. i can feel everything from old times slowly creeping up on me, and im scared; i dont wanna go back to making promises i cannot keep and dreaming dreams i cannot achieve, i dont want to feel the heartache that comes with letting go of good memories. we say we've come to realize that its not about 'it' but about 'this', but deep down inside, i think we both know that some things will never change, and thats why we feel the way we do each time we try to find our way back. wish you were in this with me ;(

feels like home to me feels like home to me
feels like i'm all the way back where i come from
feels like home to me feels like home to me
feels like i'm all the way back where i belong
*feels like home by chantal kreviazuk

the world's getting clearer 

i want to be in their eyes, something more than ordinary, but i am after all, not. in the past i had everything to prove and nothing to lose; but right now things have turned and i realize that i have nothing to prove and everything to lose. well it seems like the timings are all wrong and i am left with zilch to work towards while im still here, but the only reason why i want to keep at it is because i love this one thing too much to fall further behind.

i cooked dinner (no-big-deal pasta) for the three of us just now ;) this time i was the one calling my parents and hounding them to hurry home before the food turned cold, amusing isnt it. as much as i am not my best in the kitchen, it somewhat saddens me that i cant do this more often, more so when i start work next week. two months is very short to be home and i really want to spend this time with the people who mean most to me, my family, close buds, and the club. and because of this i have to learn to say no to some things, i am sorry.

time where did you go, why did you leave me here alone
wait don't go so fast, i'm missing the moments as they pass
now i've looked in the mirror and the world's getting clearer
so wait for me this time

i'm down i'm down on my knees i'm begging for all your sympathy
but you (i'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (i wish that i could)
you humble people everywhere (i don't mean to hurt you)
now i've looked in the mirror and the world's getting clearer
i'll take what you give me please know that i'm learning
so wait for me this time

i should've know better i shouldn't have wasted those days
and afternoons and mornings i threw them all away

now this is my time
i'm gonna make this moment mine (i shouldn't have wasted those days)
i'll take what you give me please know that i'm learning
i've looked in the mirror my world's getting clearer
so wait for me this time
*time by chantal kreviazuk

walking back into photographs 

i wanted to take some time to develop my true perspective of being home. one week has passed ;) in this one week i have relived good times with the ones who have been in my heart all along, but there are exceptions, you guys know who you are so lets go out and play real soon. i expected a rough weekend of getting back to the swing of things, but i came out of sunday in good spirits; i must have been so wrong to have doubted my feelings, especially on this one thing ;) yeah i have found a friend who shares my dream, i have exchanged heartfelt words with someone whom ive always looked up to.

life in transition feels kinda strange sometimes, i am constantly aware of the fact that i'll have to leave this life in just two months. the transcience of the times spent with people i have longed for so long to come back to weakens me, and at the end of some days i am left wondering whats the point if our lives are going to be spent apart again all too soon. come july i will start my attachment, do some driving, still play rugby, and either dance or brush up on my spanish. but i also want to have the time for you guys, and i hope the same goes for you.

some things change, i never did think time will stop, not for me. for the things i can walk right back into and feel just as happy as i used to feel, i am smiling inside. for the things ive allowed myself to walk away from, i can only constantly remind myself that i am still living the dream and some things dont matter anymore. for now, its my party.

home sweet home 

and thats all that matters.
oh yes, and im just in time for fathers day ;)

all these places have their moments 

i am sad. i dont even feel like saying anything about it, but you know what, i really wish i didnt have to leave this place; and i dont even understand why im feeling this way after months of looking forward to the very day where i can finally board the plane that is heading not to france or germany or spain but just good ol singapore. in the past two days ive had my wrights bar chips, ed's peanut butter and banana milkshake and british museum scones, but ive realized that these are the things im gonna be able to come back to after the summer break, but never again will i walk down drury lane to school, gower street to tien's, bloomsbury to mari's, the strand to R's, tot court road to training, and i dont wanna leave all this behind.

den told me this afternoon on the phone not to be sad and to treat it as leaving london for a three month summer holiday in singapore and its ironic isnt it, london is now home and singapore a vacation. i knew it would come to this, always missing somewhere and never wanting to leave the other. why is saying goodbye is always just so difficult.

there are places i remember all my life
though some have changed
some forever not for better
some have gone and some remain
all these places have their moments
with lovers and friends i still can recall
some are dead and some are living
in my life i've loved them all
*in my life by chantal kreviazuk

you'll be in my heart 

15 june 2005 is a special day because i spent -gasps- 200quid in the span of eight hours. its scary to some and amusing to some, but i dont think i deserve much beratement because i have saved hard for this one day of going wild and its not gonna happen again anytime soon yeah ;) got presents from harrods, thorntons, lilywhites and a souveneir store, and got myself jeans from gap, work clothes from zara and next, summer wear from bershka and h&m, and a pair of kitten heels from h&m. for the first time in my life i walk down oxford street carrying the most number of paper bags, my little glory moment, though seriously i dont quite give a damn. now to the problem of trying to lug everything back home with my suitcase already bursting, headache man.

dinner with R at nandos, and chill out time with tien in her room, il miss these times. as i walked back along gower street at 1am in the morning, i felt like crying, part because i am finally seeing the people i love back home, part because il miss london and everything i have taken for granted here so bloody much, part because i am uncertain about rebuilding my life in sgp, part because i wish i could be here until some problems are dealt with. life is so complicated.

paris in a different light 

summer paris, just about six months after winter paris ;) where the sun shines, the city of lights beckons and the three kiddos can come out to play. its been a fun little summer getaway with jus and sam, but theres only time now for three things i loved most about the trip.

trocadero station
on a whim at dawn on monday morning, i convinced jus to take a trip to the trocadero station to look for the cinematheque francaise i read about in the novel 'the dreamers' set in 1968. yeah the cinematheque does and still exists and continues to screen obsure classics at limited times each week. it felt surreal to stand outside the gates and picture the events of the novel as they unfolded, imagine my absolute amazement ;) more to come; as we made the bend round the cinematheque to explore the surrounding area, we were greeted with the most STUNNING view of the eiffel tower ever ever ever, so stunning we both let out a started cry when we first caught sight of it. imagine this, orangey blue skyline with the rising sun, complete view of the eiffel tower in its full glory standing tall ahead, elevated view of summer gardens and rows and rows of trees lining the path to the eiffel tower...ahhh. its really a hidden gem and anyone who goes to paris must make a pitstop at the trocadero station just to soak in this unparalleled view of the eiffel tower, you'll be amazed.

sleep and such
we arrived in paris on monday night and as sam made his way to visit his friend in compaigne, jus and i decided to hang around and see if we could last a night somewhere somehow without paying for a hostel. after hours spent walking in the wrong direction along the haussman region, we finally found ourselves a 24hour pub opposite the moulin rouge and resolved to last the night there in spite of crazy waiter, exhorbitant drink prices, and chainsmoking woman. wellwell we did it the hard way by taking turns to sleep for 45mins each until 5am where we finally packed up and left to look for a hostel for later that night. sleeptime continued when we got a metro day pass and zzz-ed on the metro train as it travelled from one end of the line to another. what an experience ;D another thing, we realized that i have the amazing ability to sleep on any moving thing, having slept through the entire 7hour bus ride with no problemo; it seems that means maybe i should get a moving bed and that will help solve my screwed sleeping pattern.

french chow chow
we went back to chartier for the lipsmacking escargos we had last december, its still as heavenly as ever, though the main course somewhat disappointed this time. other meals included a cheap three course onion soup - stewed chicken - creme caramel at a quaint restaurant near the sacred coeur basillica, kebab and frites which i was craving badly, and the all time favourite nutella crepe ;) and when we got back, we headed straight to hk diner for braised fish and vege and rice (if my translation is any good) which i was also craving. life is good these days, well no, make it life was good those days. ahwell.

no where to find you 

dear friend, if todays words are who you really are then im afraid i have been painfully wrong. if this is the dream falling apart then i must say i anticipated it; though for some moments, some glorious moments, i thought i could fight the inevitable for real. i guess i am never right.

my scream got lost in a paper cup 

ive been uber uber uber busy. my sleeping hours are screwed beyond repair; since the exams ended ive not slept earlier than 6am each day for an average of three hours plus a two hour power nap if and when i am going to club. packing is a pain, my room was in an absolute mess for the past couple of days as i tried to sort my life into boxes and suitcases, which i have finally done and now it stands at 5 large boxes, 2 small boxes, 1 clothes rack box, 1 duffel bag, 1 large suitcase, 1 large plastic bag of odds and ends. and the problem does not end here cos ive got too much stuff to carry home too, so either way im space deprived ;( how now brown cow?

been spending most of my time not spent packing trying to settle housing with my housemates, but tough luck so far. its not been an easy ride and at the end of the day, we've been left with no choice but to return in early sept to find us a roof over our heads, its quite unsettling really but there is just no other way out so lets hope this game plan works out. its times like this when i feel like no one will ever understand completely everything i have and am going through as i live my life here. in a way i guess thats what makes me treasure times spent with R, like on wednesday night when she came over and we talked the night away till 7am when she went home, and on thursday night when she took time to listen and advice me on my housing woes in the midst of her packing. i appreciate it beyond the inadequacy of my words.

tien and i were supposed to go to this club called heaven today, but tien, her french friend, me and paul were refused entry and brushed away cos the bouncers felt we weren't the right 'type', i shant elaborate too much here. we ended up in NYT in leicester square instead and it cost us 15quid for entry, its quite ex but i didnt really mind anyway cos it was indeed a welcomed change from the studenish atmosphere we always get at crush and mos. pretty cool place i must say, and so we danced the night away after some baileys and white wine. paul and i left early cos he was tired and ive got a bus to catch to paris later, though it looks increasingly like im not gonna get much sleep anytime soon cos ive got so many loose ends to tie up before i go! guess il just sleep the 7hour bus ride away, sounds like a better idea. il be back on tuesday and that leaves me with two days to move all my stuff, shop for presents, say my final goodbyes, pack my suitcases, argh no time no time. meanwhile be good, will miss you guys even if its only three days ;)

where the sun shines 

these are good days, and i wanna remember them ;) tuesday evening we caught star wars episode three, and let me drop the bombshell of the price of the ticket - 10.5 quid, thats about 33 singdollars and 4 weekend movie tickets back home. some silly person thought it was a good idea to watch it anyway, not that i can say much given that odeon leicester is purportedly the only cinema showing it thus making monopolistic exploitation an obvious thing to practice, but 10.5 quid is still alot to pay for something im absolutely clueless about ;) good show nonetheless, i dont see whats the fuss about george lucas failing to measure up, give that guy a break man.

tuesday night was spent at R's place again, this time in hope that she'll sleep early for her morning paper on wed. i cant believe how many times i actually fell asleep sitting on the couch cos its not very good to be zzzing away when someone is hard at work preparing for the next days exam; but i really couldnt help it i guess, was tired from alot of walking and i didnt quite wanna read men's health for the third time or to clutter her space by using her laptop just to keep awake either. anyway she slept at 630am and i made my way home to catch some sleep till about noon. im glad i could be there, its not always that i do such things, but some friends are worth the love.

dragged myself outta bed yesterday to meet paul for lunch at leicester square pizza hut and i had a really good time despite being rather sleep deprived. after lunch, we decided to soak up the sun and took the touristy trail to picadilly circus, nelson's column, st james park, river thames, big ben, westminster abbey, london eye, millenium bridge, and finally arrived at trafalgar square. we sat by the fountain for hours just watching people go by and talking about anything that came to mind. im happy that ive made a friend in paul, i remember the first time i saw him at the govt induction tea session i thought he was kinda rude for looking around all the time while talking to people, but look how far we've come...through IR lectures, a couple of crush parties, and msn ;) and yay i can go visit bristol next time ;)

returned home for the evening to catch some sleep before going to ministry of sound with the people who are still in london. i really love the rnb at ministry, its been eons since we drank, turned pink, dressed up, and danced to solid rnb music. the key to lasting more than three hours on the dance floor really is a power nap before going out and wearing flats, finally put the brown suede boots i snitched for 10quid to good use ;) was really happy dancing to good rnb stuff after so so so long, one thing though i miss doing it with loh and mari, nothing can beat a night out with these two girls ;)

i should fall into bed like now. gonna resume packing when i wake up, and have a nice dinner with lizzy. friday will be errands and presents day and saturday will be 'heaven' with tien and co day. on sunday i leave for paris and compagnie with jus and sam till tuesday. and then its only a couple more days till home, i dont know if im happy or sad.

i hope you had the time of your life 

i just woke up. in celebration of the end of it all (and vic's birthday) fifteen of us had dinner at four seasons last night, and we had four whole roast ducks among other dishes no less ;) it was the first time in my entire four seasons history that i could look at a roast duck in front of me and not feel like eating anymore, that was how absolutely stuffed i was. twas an awesome dinner nonetheless, all of us with hardly a care in the world, stuffing ourselves silly and laughing ourselves silly doing silly things with the webcam and cake! ;) popped over to R's after dinner and acually bummed there till 8am this morning. she was studying for her last paper on wed so i spent my time on the couch reading her men's health mag cover to cover at least twice, replying emails, surfing around online, doing little chores, talking to her every now and then, and refusing to make the walk home. felt so good to be able to while the time away in the company of a good friend, although i really hope i wasnt too much of a distraction.

its funny how i did not feel the jubilation i was supposed to feel as they collected our math papers at 430pm yesterday afternoon. the paper was after all not very well done and i know i could have done better had i kept a steadier mind and not panicked. i guess the long break between our last two papers didnt help either, cos for me the end of the IR exam felt ten times more of a climax than this one. but i am still thankful ive finally made it to the end, with sweet memories of the process to add. thank you smart 's' for everything really, for encouragement for the day's revision, for light hearted jay chou moves moments, for talking cok, for the one and only run the three of us made it together haha, for all the great dinners from four seasons, chop chop and at chinatown, for walking me home every night. thank you moo for msning with me whenever im bored even though we may only two tables away, for your constant humming that never fails to crack us up, for always reminding me we have a great and wonderful Lord. thank you ahpek for the days spent at the kings lib, for all the good dinners at sakunthai, kamfung and becks, for being responsible for waking me up when i fall asleep on my books haha, for hokkien song entertainment, for praying for me, for text messages before every exam, for my favourite comfort food, for all the thing i hope you know i really appreciate. thank you (anything but) 'SLEEP EARLY ' for just being there, studying in school, walking back, sharing stories and lives till wee hours of the morning on msn, you'll never know how much it means to me. thank you God for these people.

it suddenly struck me that i have two weeks left in london. i have just started packing some of my stuff and my room's in a terrible mess and im not sure if i can pull this packing thing off. but thats not the point, the point is how do i pack one amazing year of my life here into boxes and suitcases? i miss home and cant wait to go back, yet at the same time i have built up a life here which has given me immense happiness, fulfilment, independence, friendship, experiences, and in some ways i cant bring myself to let go. i know il be back, but its not the same ;(


eight months in london, now this is making me sad.

part five 

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

the time has finally come for the final lap, math paper MA107 on monday afternoon. i just wanna go in there and do my very best for that two hours, and i pray that the Lord will be with all of us as we take our last paper, be it in the morning or in the afternoon. and at the end of this, i know i will look back and thank Him again and again, for everything He has blessed me with to help me survive it all.

you take what comes and you run with it 

the worst feeling in the world, must be that of regret. there is always a time where we look back on our twenty, twenty something years of our lives and wonder, what have i achieved, what have i lost. i guess everyone has their own regrets, and mine have been painfully and persistently greeting me in recent times. i regret the times i chose to give up, the mistakes i have stubbornly repeated, the friends i have failed to hold on to, the hearts i have broken, the stupid things i have done for people who should never have mattered, the broken promises, the dreams i never mustered the guts to chase. there are times i wonder too about the circumstances that i have found myself in, and think maybe just maybe, if things had been different, i might have been able to say yes i have truly won. but i dont wanna push the buck because i know i have been given the chances, its just that i was either too scared or too nonchalent, to take what comes and run with it. and so i am punished by the regrets in my heart.

i do have a dream right now, but i dont see the need to say it out because i owe the accountability to no one but myself. if it comes through though, i will share, even if it takes years to get there. too much depends on how the ball bounces, but i control the hand the catches the ball and slams it down at the try line. i will make it.

"If you don't go after what you want, you will never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you are always in the same place." (Nora Roberts)

six is a good number 

1. sleep eludes me. these nights i fall into bed at 5am and lay under the covers searching for sleep for another hour or so; and it doesnt help that the sky brightens up at four these days. too many thoughts, too many friends to miss, too many things to look forward to i guess. my friends say im simply wrecking my body like this, but seriously, i dont understand the logic if i am actually more awake and cheery with less sleep rather than more ;)

2. everyone is entitled to whine every now and then, and i am perfectly willing to listen to my friends whine and just be there for them because i know they've done the same for me to. but i have problems with excessive whining cos it is just dumb. everyone has problems, but instead of repeating for the millionth time how hard things are, why not suck it up and get down to dealing with them. no one can help us all the time, and even if they could, we should not expect so cos struggling and learning is part of life.

3. its amazing how every exam leads me to one true friend on whom i draw strength from through the tough times. in sec2 it was the dark poet, sec3 it was the funny pie, sec4 it was the magic maker, j1 though lets just say i didnt need one, j2 it was the boy of verses, and now it is the girl of songs. i think back and smile.

4. i know your thoughts even before you say it. i wish things would stay the same as before at least for a while, but i put myself in your position and i understand why, hard as it is for me to accept it.

5. june is here. i cant believe how may flew by cos it seemed like just a week ago when i was drawing up my expenditure table for may and now it is time to do one for june. two and a half weeks to home, to changi airport, to orlua at chompchomp, to my dear bed, to batch reunion, to blacks, to ypg, to great sgp sale, to sentosa, to dad and mum, den, rara, belle, durian, kid, ry, ahgong, mojo, yf, butterflyboy, forrest gump, yier, dice, jas. exciting times ahead.

6. songs on my playlist right now: the luckiest by ben folds five, tiny dancer by ben folds five, still fighting it by ben folds five, don't cry by naked, promise me by beverly craven, high by lighthouse family, yesterday and today by do as infinity, i love you by utada hikaru, fen xiang by sky wu. i present you the song of the moment...

everybody knows it hurts to grow up and everybody does
its so weird to be back here
let me tell you what the years go on
and we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
oh we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
*still fighting it by ben folds five

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS