smile like you mean it 

contrary to beliefs, i am a soft-spot person. at differnt times in my life, there is always someone, or maybe a few, i find myself willing to go acres and miles for, just because. but i am not a fool, and neither am i a forever and ever person, unless one day i finally meet a friend or a lover who completely blows me of my feet. but right now no matter who you are or were, no matter how much i love(d) you, no matter how much you mean(t) to me, absolutely no one can make me melt forever. for some it takes months, for some it takes years, but for everyone ive had a soft-spot for there will come a day you can no longer make me sad or disappointed, and then the soft-spot will disappear from my heart as quickly as it found its way there.

yesterday a little old dream came true, its been something ive felt the least confident about in a long time, but the Lord saw me through once again, without fail. thank You Lord, and please help me keep my promises ;) this time im gonna have a good time long and hard, no ones gonna get me down, not even friend six and friend ten.

oh, we visited the night safari last night, mighty fun ;P

do or die 

here we go, the next three days are here. what can i say, im just gonna take a deep breath sit tight and let everything play itself out. whatever happens, Lord i trust You, simple as that. my, its been long since i last said something like this but i know my trust is well placed because You, are the only constant in this crazy world of changes, circumstances, and crap.

to me, you're the best friend i could ever ask for. thank you for risking the thing only our combined silliness could pull off so well ;) ;) ;)

i let those hard days get me down
and all the things i hate got in my way
i could've screamed without a sound
i found myself silenced by those things they say

but i won't stop now until i find a better part of me
thats out there somewhere and it cant be that far away
*the real life by 3 doors down

yellow and brown and green 

back from cruise means:
1. housing headaches ;(
2. food poisoning and lots of puking ;(
3. another missed training ;(

but it was good stuff while it lasted...jacuzzing, grasshoper and long island iced tea, reading norwegian wood, comfy bed, casinoing, pigging out, sleepy bus ride to central kl, quiksilver/roxy shopping spree, gymming, tanning, more jacuzzing. it was a surely a tad to short, to be away from this busy world as much as possible.

right now i still have a phobia of eggs, mushrooms, and soft drinks. think puke, ugh.

dont look back in anger 

i dont want things to turn complicated. is it because im incapable of sharing my life with someone else, or is it because ive silently hardened myself after that one mistake that broke me, or is it because i have yet to find the right door leading to where i belong. right now, all i know is that i just wanna be one of the kids ;(

sometimes i hate the person im growing up to be.

time to time out. leaving tonight on a cruise with den for the next couple of days, gonna zzz, chow, tan, play, chill. leaving everything behind, just for a little while; hopefully it'll be all sunshine and rainbows without the rain when i come home ;)

the in-betweens 

freedom begins today. this time round the six week attachment seemed to fly by, and its been pretty darn good i should think, cept for waking early five days a week, boring work clothes, after lunch zzzness, and getting the paycheck posted to my london account (???). but the good times included corporate box at turf club, visiting batey ads, dept party at the dungeon pub, tagging along sales visits, writing email campaigns, learning some excel, car ride to and from work, lunch with buds, town office town office town office ;)

im many years late in reading haruki murakami's norwegian wood, but never too late. like it already, its beautiful ;)

fools rush in 

national day was good, just one night all together and all the time that has elapsed slowly disappears. i guess after all, i did spend the better part of my secondary school days with these girls, dancing like that was the only thing that ever mattered. sweet.

the entity that i used to love most, i still love very much, no matter what. i will still give my best, and even though best now may not be the same best as in the past, i promise, its gonna be the utmost i can give right now. who knows where time will take me, and you n you n you.

little pleasures aside, im in quite a rut arent i? ive been maligned by a wolf in sheeps skin, on top of being disappointed, played out, let down, left out by an assortment of individuals. and everytime i think/hear about certain individuals my heart is smudged black, and when i dont deal with this well enough the blackness threatens to swallow me whole. FUCK this whole damn black thing.

and to un-named, stop stealing my dreams, go make your own.

its gettin crowded 

its still the same old sad story, its been so long and im still waiting for that lucky break. sometimes i sit around and wonder what things would have been like if circumstances havent been as such, but i cant just blame circumstances, its about talent too you know. and its no fun feeling helpless, hopeless, and useless about something ive been wanting for so long, im to be blamed after all. i wish i could say give me one year and il be back to show you what ive got, problem is i really dont know when the next time will be.

fop for my third year running, its become tradition, and its my way of saying thank You Lord for carrying me through the darkest days and for helping me stand up when i never thought i ever could. this year though, i felt the worship kinda lost its direction, and as i watched the rest of the people getting high, all i could think of was that taking up the cross is so much more than singing or dancing or jumpin' or giving offerings, its about sacrifices and sometimes even losing the things you never thought you could live without, hows that for you. and although Faith remains strong and i feel Him working in my life wonderfully and faithfully, i cant say the same for my faith in His people. more and more im feeling like the people who love me most sincerely and deeply are the ones who are well, 'other' people, and i love them too.

the thing which ive told myself will never be happen has came true. no hard feelings, but i hate the idea of losing to someone less worthy.

not a good day at all for me as you can see. but dont worry, il be up and going like ive always been able to, maybe after a break from all this shit, if and when the time is right.

and it'll happen once again you'll turn to a friend
someone that understands and sees through the master plan
but everybody's gone and you've been there for too long
to face this on your own, well i guess this is growing up
* dammit by blink 182

growing up in one day 

1. the person who knows you best is the one who knows you more deeply than yourself, who remembers what you liked three years ago better than you do, who understands without you having to explain yourself. for that, you are special.

2. trust must be earned. its hard to keep going when there is always someone behind throwing daggers at your back; its even harder when theres someone else who watches daggers being thrown at you in consent, because to him your retaliation will only cause more harm.

3. words are cheap, never thought otherwise. call me pessimistic, but some time ago i learnt that promises are meant to be broken.

4. sometimes its perfectly okay to feel sorry. too many sorries makes apologies lose their meaning, but today i am truly sorry. i hope we never lose our way again, its a new road but we can make it.

5. always face a challenge, thats the only way you get the chance to become the best you can ever be. nobody wants to be second best.

6. i need constants in my life, thank you if you have been one.

7. new beginning by 'stickydatepudding'...
i believe that God will bring new blessings
i believe that spring will come in the end
i believe in hope in new beginnings
i'd be led to water and live forever

i'm sometimes afraid of changing
afraid of what the future may bring
but i know that it'll be wonderful
with Jesus my Lord and King

much needed optimism from a talented friend. hope you dont mind this here, but listening to your song made me smile in a gloomy night. ;)

singing the same songs everyday 

find myself singing the same songs everyday
ones that make me feel good
when things behind the smiles aint okay

around and over and in between the seas
i need to be on top of a mountain
where i can see everything
cause this paranoia's getting old

now as i open my eyes to start another day
i'm in a pile of puke empty bag of excuses
my love for friends and family
you know i need them

and under a sun that's seen it all before, my feet are so cold
and i can't believe that i have to bang my head against this wall again
but the blows they have just a little more space in between them
gonna take a breath and try again
*walk by blind melon

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS