quiet time 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest".
-Matthew 11:28

christian union retreat at standlake ranch in oxford till sunday. i know im in no position to ask for a rest; last year at this time i had already completed one essay, this year i am nothing, zero essay, zero readings, zero fitness ;( but the Lord will provide, and this weekend im gonna get all the rest and revival i need, cos come monday il be chugging full steam ahead. with His strength of course.

the magic is lost 

some things are lost some left behind
some things are better left for someone else to find
maybe in time i can finally see
i just wonder, wonder if you think about me
*in a little while by uncle kracker

the thing that cuts most in life is when the people you care least about care more about you than the people you care most about. it hurts, but i know the people who care for me as much as or even more than i care for them more than make up for this, so life is fair and square in the end. you and i know that is not true, its complicated, and cruel, and so sad it bleeds.

big day tomorrow, no time for late nights and riddles.

wouldn't it be nice 

my innate need to be number one is driving me crazy. i have always had a good time playing sport, but i know things only start meaning something to me when there is a position to claim and a medal to win; and the need to get that position and that medal is so burning sometimes it makes me cry, its all pride isnt it.

rugby has been going pretty well, i mean league hasnt started, but i have achieved both my goals during trainings and coach asked me today what number i would like to be and it looks like we have finally mustered up a promising team. the real test comes on wednesday where we play our first match against our toughest opponents away, and i want to burn the field to prove myself. yet things are made complicated by the fact that i will be missing the next two weekend trainings, and that means that everything ive worked so so so hard to build up these weeks may just be taken from me, just like that. i would hate to see that happening, because this year has to be so good for me, rugby wise at least, thats the only way i think i will be able to find some grounding. and besides, next year things might change, big time.

for me, it has always been make or break, do or die; all or nothing.

slow down 

my richest gain i count but loss, and pour contempt on all my pride
all the vain things that charm me most, i sacrifice them to His blood

its a gummy eyed morning, my weekend has begun, and this is the first slowed down day ive had in what must have been weeks. ive got gv101 presentation to prepare for and gv265 readings to clear and econ homework to do but im sitting here thinking of something else to do - attribute it to my discomfort with empty time and my inability to sit still ;( and just last night nic reminded me very aptly Exodus 14:14 'the Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still'.

man utd - lille at old trafford was a tad stale. but it was still a great night of many firsts, first time on a road trip, first time in a car with gps (affectionaly named tammy), first time at the theatre of dreams, first time watching a 'live' soccer match in london, first time two people said they were looking out for me on teevee (haha), first time climbing into a car boot, first time getting groceries from tescos at 4am, first time oversleeping through both lectures on the day, first time on a getaway with my two favourite boys and two favourite girls in london, wahey!

come visit me guys, will you will you.

road to mandalay 

i have been absolutely absolutely absolutely busy, and i am so not doing my work this term nor loving my friends back home ;( yet i cant deny that these days have been meaningfully spent; friday was a long awaited dinner and chill time with lizzy in the old comforts of the place i used to call home, saturday i finally got the chance to sit down and talk to R through whom i unexpectedly learnt learnt things about myself i never understood before, sunday the girl who has the toastiest bed in the world cooked me dinner and we laid under the covers speaking whole truths and reading poems, today paul's housemate cooked us dinner and we had red wine and pasta and garlic bread and i had the company and laughter of three amazingly perfect english gentlemen (and today i also got to catch miss chocolate cookies since a long time.) it has been comforting having four meaningful-conversation nights in a row, and this year these have come to mean so much more than crazy nights out of old.

timing is important; so important the problem is that when you miss the moment, words and feelings and truths and lies dont matter anymore. and i wish i could sweep everything under the carpet and smile like i mean it. and i wish you could help me but how do i even ask for help when i know that you never did approve of the thing i have come to believe in. all these are impossible.

old trafford, here i come, make me smile.

good ol madrid madness 

back me won't ya 

day after day i'm more confused
yet i look for the light through the pouring rain
you know that's a game that i hate to lose
and i'm feeling the strain aint it a shame

oh give me the beat boys and free my soul
i want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away

beginning to think that i'm wasting time
i don't understand the things i do
the world outside looks so unkind
now i'm counting on you to carry me through

thanks for the joy that you've given me
i want you to know i believe in your song
*drift away by uncle kracker

one tree hill 

standing on the field makes me forget all my problems. development day (rugby session by professional coaches for london university teams) all the way at honor oaks park today and it rained glass and ice just like last year, but i dun regret one bit turning up; cos for those three hours, those precious hundred and eighty minutes, everything else that was vexing me so bad just ceased to matter. i know i still love the sport very much, maybe just in a different way.

its always my bad isnt it. but i cant always change my plans for you, and maybe only because the stakes over here are much higher and more complicated. i wish you understood, but i guess im just as guilty of the same crime towards others; now i know how it feels, and if i had to describe it in one word it would be 'dispensable'.

like my favourite, this year i wanna be so good, i am gonna burn and burn in school, on the field, at the homework club, as a bible study group leader, as a friend. i will still have fun, but only on my own terms, what others do or think i will not give a damn shit (believe me, im trying fucking hard).

downtime is now 

"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts." -Romans 5:3-5

who will be me 

after a pretty much whirlwind weekend, im kinda standing at a cross junction of my life as a second year student sorting out my directions and priorities, goals and deadlines, to-go-fors and to-give-ups. in short, this year im juggling school work with rugby, christian union, and bible study leadership, as well as hoping hard to throw in volunteering, part time work, summer preparations (and quite remotely, dance) in place of singsoc where my time is finally up. anything else i believe, can wait, or end. there are definitely some things im having second thoughts about, because i want to move on as my peers have, and more so because i dont feel the fire i used to feel, yes things change. there is still much thinking to do, but i would like to keep things as my best or nothing, thats how i want to see my life work out.

the race has begun and im scared. i look on as my peers stride alongside each other and i feel my own two feet willing themselves to do the same, racing as i have always pushed myself to. but not this time round, and i pray for the wisdom to run my own race and follow the route that He has planned for me. its something i have been struggling with, but the opening christian union session last thursday answered all questions - do not be affected by the dreams of the world and the aspirations of the people around you, do not let these shape you into a you that is not you; i quote the speaker "if you spend all your time being someone else, who will be you?" amazing isnt it. im not sure who i wanna be right now, but im sure who i dont wanna be for a start, lets see where to go from here.

there are some things no one could understand, some decisions no one could make for me; and once again im scared because these are big things for small hands to deal with. and i guess even if we were back to the old days of nightly msn time, i dont think things would change very much. this time, im really on my own.

(ps: im sorry its been a really busy time for me settling stolen stuff, housing stuff, course stuff, mentoring stuff, spanish stuff, singsoc stuff, random stuff. its not been a good time to talk especially since internet connection is still not up at home, but i still miss and love you guys, dont ever think otherwise ;D -waves to jas- haha)

original mr wonderwall 

everybodys screaming
i try to make a sound but no one hears me
i'm slipping off the edge i'm hanging by a thread
i wanna start this over again
so i try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered
and i can't explain what happened
and i can't erase the things that i've done no i can't

how could this happen to me
i made my mistakes got no where to run
the night goes on as i'm fading away
i'm sick of this life i just wanna scream
how could this happen to me
*untitled by simple plan

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS