back to the ground 

i hate losing. i hate falling short. i hate still not being good enough. i hate seeing my teammates cry. i hate not being able to share a victory team hug. i hate it when whats left is just one more lonely void. i hate crashing back to the real world and having to fight the war of work right now. i hate feeling broken ;(

but thank you for the memories. my 'hates' do no justice to the highs we have experienced together on and off court, those times have been one of my happiest.

and i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad
these dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very mad world mad world
*mad world by gary jules

take a chance 

let's forget about the notion that we're not the same
my blood runs as red as yours
we all get angry we've all been scared
we've all made big mistakes that can never be repaired

it aint about the money it aint about the time
it aint about the love you lost or the things you think you left behind
it aint about your losing streak makes you feel like you're falling apart
what matters is the heart
*what matters by edwin mccain

break o'clock 

i have given myself a self-declared rest week, its business as usual, but im taking time off the cold, worn, and sleepy late nights out that i have become tired of keeping. after a drappy day of undoable work and speeding around and scowling at hsbc, i came home to curl up under the covers with my gazillion toys, reading my freakonomics, eating my custard creams, listening to my one song playlist, leading my life. one highlight for each weekday so...monday lunch with paul, tuesday lazing in bed, wednesday (hopefully) light training, thursday dinner with teammies, friday harry potter, and saturday we're off to notts. its gonna be an awesome week, cept that theres one final essay due next week, say it isnt so say it isnt so.

i have also come to a final decision, it has been long and trying, but this time i have made up my mind. another challenge to rise up to, and although i am so behind right now, i know i will always choose running the race over not trying at all. at the end of it all, i just want to make sure there are no regrets, ive had too many of them.

that will last beyond a dream 

i heart you 

and our days and nights travelling and bouncing around!!!"i miss the girl, what would i give to walk to training and kick ball and work out at the gym and go wild on our nights out and travel to cool little places with sharon again ;(

this, and a long due video conversation with kid this afternoon with real voices and the accompanying echoes and random hello, made me a nostalgic cookie for the day.

i just want you to know who i am 

you know how you brace yourself for battle and you put on your toledian steel armour. you wield your sword with courage because you know you can and will fight till the end; and then you discover a missing chink hidden away somewhere in your armour, and for that moment you feel that all weapons and all the courage in the world ceases to matter because one small part of you is unprotected raw flesh that bleeds rose red blood. chances are that the enemy is never gonna strike you there, but because of that one psychological vulnerability in your head you die even before you step onto the battlefield. thats how i feel right now.

i am blessed, i know it, because i have never felt friendship better than this; two at home, two in the army, two in the house, two at kings, one at ucl, one at cambridge, one at lse govt, two at lse. but somehow something or someone is missing ;( maybe it doesnt matter cos the rest of you will get me through this (yes mr krispy kreme?) and cos i am a stubborn but strong mule.

for the past two weeks i have been unable get past the 12am mark, so i wake up at 5am to work on the essay. today i finally rediscovered that the wonders of a strong cuppa coffee and the blasting of sad songs to get the adrenaline going, just like it was back then. 4 pages and 1500 words to go, ROAAAR.

i've trusted many a friend that failed
and left me to weep alone
but i've found enough of my friends true blue
to keep me trusting on

i've drained the cup of disappointment and pain
and gone many days without a song
but i've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
to make me want to live on (and very well)
-from 'dreams' by ron de marco

europa, europa 

"Thus an abducted Asian woman gave Europe her name; a vagrant Asian exile gave Europe its political and finally its cultural identity; and an Asian prophet gave Europe its religion...History had begun in Asia: characteristically the Orient quarter of the globe, the region of origination. The course of civilization, like that of empire and the sun itself, moves inexorably from east to west".
-from 'The Idea of Europe' by Anthony Pagden

this is what keeps me going when one paragraph takes me two hours to write, and one reading kicks me right into evil orange marshmallow bed, and eyes open at 5am to the realization that i am two pages behind schedule, and those 3000 words seem so far away. hokays! down the white men all hail the colourful people, what say you.

falling from grace 

last night old friend and i sat side by side at the wagamama counter, heads propped in our hands watching the world go by on the other side of the glass. when old friend asked me point blank exactly what was wrong in my life right now, i had no answer, no i had one ridiculous answer. i am a ridiculous fool and things are never gonna be the way i want them to be so i should stop living in the past. no biggie.

i want to protect old friend and best friend from all this shit because i love them and want to see them smile. lets all be happy from now. its essay time.

where do we go nobody knows
don't ever say you're on your way down
God gave you style and gave you grace
and put a smile upon your face
*God put a smile upon your face by coldplay

fireworks night 

cccc rescheduled our match, buggers. we finally made our first trip to berrylands anyway, for light training and fireworks party by the athletics union (light training means a couple of shuttles, hands drills, scrumming with the machine, and line-out practices). by 5pm the rugby girls were merry in the berrylands bar downing bottles of vodka on the pretext of the drinking games. i have the dubious honour of being the worst drinker in my team, and everyone knows that just downing one dirty cup is enough to make me unbelievably pink, very spaced out, and occasionally violent; hence when jade arrowed me to down my second cup, jen cheekily allowed me to pick someone else to do it for me, such mercy never used to exist! -grin-

the fireworks were lovely. to be able to set off fireworks in your own backyard, your own home ground is such simply joy, the kind of thing you never imagine you are missing out on until you feel it for youself. hannah, richard and i watched those lovelies from the patio, and thank you God for honouring me with the two of them, hannah especially because we share struggles others might find hard to understand, and i believe that this friendship was made to ground me in the triest of times.

i cant believe how i got through half of this term with so many problems pulling me down; but i have realized somewhat suddenly, that if i count my blessings and take stock of all the good things that have happened to me in present times, i have no reason not to be happy. and although the part of my life that has caved in remains in a heap somewhere in my heart, i am slowly finding strength to build the walls around it to protect myself, you cant break me sweets. i am going to turn away from what is making me unhappy, and i am going to be happy, just like tonight ;)

twenty two 

there is no pot of gold 

suddenly paralysed by sadness, lost in the sorry truth that everything that is simple and pure and happy does not last, not even for more than four days. to you, shut the fuck up; to you, stay true will you; and to you, i dont need you to do extraordinary things for me, i dont need you to say extraordinary things to me, i just want you to come to me when i fall down or apart, because for all the times i have fallen over myself just to go to you, you never once came when it would have meant the world. this time i have bled myself dry, and it could all end here.

dearest belle, happy twentieth birthday, its been some time since many things and i miss you so. im sorry im late, but this one's for you...

"When you part from your friend you grieve not; for that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain." -from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

the enfant teribles go to middle earth 

on the first day, at midday, the enfant teribles left london rain behind and boarded the bus for luton airport where the ryanair plane was waiting to fly them to shannon, ireland. setting foot on cold cold shannon, the enfant terribles waited in rain and gust for the bus to take them to galway where they would spend the night. after what seemed like two hours and a ride through twilight zone, they arrived at galway in the dark of the night and had burger and fries at eddie rockers before spending the night at kinlay house hostel. as joey helped sparky warm her bed, sparky felt the zzz monster diffusing through her and she fell asleep amidst the muffled voices of joey and rufus...

on the second day, the enfant teribles woke up to the galway sunrise and left early to catch the bus to the pier to catch the ferry to inish mor. after many a bumpy and choppy rides, they arrived on the beautiful island of inish mor to rare sunshine and a green hostel awaiting them. taking a short walk up the hill, the enfant terribles decided to rent bicycles for the day and before they knew it, found themselves speeding by the coast past the rocks and grass and old houses, occasionally throwing off their bikes to take silly snappies. braving many leg killing uphill battles, the enfant teribles arrived at dun aonghasa, the beautiful stone fort overlooking the sea. in the midst of wowing at the beauty of the cliffs and taking snappies, the wind decided to tease the girls and blew rufus' camera case down into the splashing waters, never to be reached again. but nevermind, joey and sparky gave rufus a hug and the girls sped through the return trip to return the bikes in time, and they rode so well they amazed themselves by arriving an hour early. dinner at supermacs for the tired girls before joey fell slay to zzz monster.

on the third day, sunshine greeted the enfant terribles although it was forecast to rain and happily, they set off on the 2mile walk to the lighthouse. along the way, they stumbled upon middle earth and spent a good many moments jumping the rocks and taking private snappies unknown to the rest of inish mor. sadly leaving middle earth, the enfant terribles climbed up a rock structure to look for the route to the lighthouse and spent another good many moments looking over the green of inish mor. on the way to the lighthouse, joey answered the call of nature in the fields but before long, they found their way to the lighthouse and climbed up and then down the lighthouse before walking to the nearby fort which they were unable to climb into. taking a new path back among the grass, the enfant teribles found themselves hungry grumpy and tired and after miles and miles and miles and miles, made it back to supermacs for some lunch. next stop was the lakeside where the girls sat down and talked about life and preferred methods of death, and where rufus hilarialized joey and sparky by taking snappies of everything and anything. that night, the final night, the enfant teribles cooked spaghetti meatballs and carboloaded like hungry little monsters. later in the hostel room as joey plucked sparky's brows after four years of zero care, rufus the dignified sat on her upper bunk reading her textbook until the other two could not take it and decided to steal her stuff when she went into the bathroom. crazy laughter ensued and the enfant teribles warmed joey's bed before dreaming one last dream in inish more.

on the fourth day, the enfant terribles bade inish mor goodbye as they boarded the ferry to quiet sunday morning galway where all but supermacs was open and welcoming. spending a good two hours there chowing breakfast and guessing the time, the enfant terribles left for the restaurant next door for one last irish meal of liver and bacon, and irish stew. speed shopping, two hour bus ride, one hour plane ride, one and a half hour bus ride, and the enfant terribles returned to cold cold london, both so happy and so sad to be back.

another winter day 

* * *

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♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS