somebody said goodbye 

its been one week and i still havent got my sleeping pattern in order ;( no is a difficult word but its something i have to learn to say because there are only x days left with x hours i really feel like spending at home, x people i really want to meet, x pieces of work i really have to complete, and x admin stuff i really need to settle.

winter lies before me now you're so far away
in the darkness of my dreaming the light of you will stay
if i could be close to you if i could be where you are
if i could reach out and touch you and bring you back home
*if i could be where you are by enya

i am sorry i almost said no to you because i was in a stupid mood, i am even more sorry i thought you were too caught up with your life when it was me who had been too caught up with my stupid life to stop and call you like how you always called me. and you know what, i dont mind if you dont understand, you dont have to, because no matter what you are special. i have let some down and i have walked out on some, but you, my favourite, i will never let go. you, my favourite ;)

mr santa claus comes to town 

feliz navidad feliz navidad feliz navidad
prospero ano y felicidad
i want to wish you a merry christmas
from the bottom of my heart

think size five rugby ball?

think BIG.
tien, remember this baby? gotta lug it back to london ;D ;D ;D

the dreamers 

its about time, i guess, to wake up to reality. truth is, if i had the guts to open my fists, all they will reveal is that the things i have held on so tightly to have but disappeared into nothingness; truth is, i never want to turn my back, but i cannot deny feeling uncomfortable and restless and angry; and truth is there is always one right decision to make, but we dont always choose it because it hurts too hard. although i realized long before that this one thing was gonna change my life for good (or for bad if you wish), i never imagined it to be this way. and this is why i feel as though i have stepped into the magical land of narnia only to discover that the white witch has had me captured forever. and nothing will be the same again.

why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side
rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide
so we've been told and some choose to believe it, i know they're wrong wait and see
someday we'll find it the rainbow connection, the lovers the dreamers and me
*the rainbow connection by kermit the frog

there is no space for these thoughts really, its christmas time. and you know what christmas is really about? its about sacrifices; i made one today, and i will honour it.

happy birthday dad! 

wireless internet on the plane ride back, even for just one hour, rocks ;)
getting squashed between fat girl and the window for 13 hours doesnt ;(

on the way home, my dad played the cd of songs i had burned for the car last summer. i dont know why it was painful listening to it, sure those were great and happy times, but im not about to walk back into the past ive attempted to walk away from. still, looking forward to good times with good friends and homecoming of best friend and general slobbing in between stuff that must be done. l-i-g! ;P

walla walla bing bang 

dear God, till today i still thank you for everything, every single thing.

i turned twenty up on the mountains of the french alps, or to be exact, on the dancefloor of the ucpa bar ;) thank you all for the chocolicious cake, and thank you for everything, you know i mean it when i say you're ze bomb with all the crazy planning (your contingency cake takes the cake!) thank you too if you called or texted, especially if you texted both my phones, it says so much. and i turned twenty again last night when i came home to a parcel from a very special mate up in the land of white castles ;P and a birthday maze from a very special mate down here in the land of twix chocolates ;P for love and wishes and emails and texts and calls and meals and presents, i thank you all with a big bow and a big smile. be home soon!

so kiss me and smile for me 

promise me tomorrow starts with you 

let me play among the stars 

its amazing how one day can put so many things in perspective. even so, yesterday was an amazing day, im still smiling ;) last macro class of the term in the morning, and instead of getting grilled over the homework i copied and scored ridiculously high in, all i got were excited remarks about me playing rugby from my tutor who saw my face in the school paper, wahey. after class yoda and i scooted off to four seasons to fatten ourselves with 30pounds worth of roast duck, fried squid, and oyster sauce vege...the life! then some walking around at whiteleys and tea buying for mama before heading back to school meet the bear...which ended with me leaving school with a too-good-to-be-true red mogu star in my arms ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D back at home, talk cok time with best friend, cooking, more cooking, more more more cooking with mogupig, before the enfant teribles turned up at the door, one of them quite the lost kid. best dinner ever, oily food and lotsa laughter and jibbing. then we did our usual lie in bed and be silly and take photos and bully each other thang, and then i realized il really miss having us together, loads.

and suddenly i feel like im gonna be alright after all. things change, but maybe they'll change for the better, even though that never happens for an eternal pessimist. well at least right now i know im missing the right people, im stronger even after being struck where im weakest, how long till the next meltdown though i dont know.

i kept the right ones out and let the wrong ones in
had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
there were times in my life when i was going insane
trying to walk through the pain when i lost my grip and i hit the floor
yeah i thought i could leave but couldnt get out the door
i was so sick and tired of a living a lie i was wishing that i would die

that one last shots a permanent vacation
and how high can you fly with broken wings
lifes a journey not a destination i cant tell what tomorrow brings
you have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk
but i just couldnt listen to all that righteous talk
i was out on the street just a trying to survive

its amazing with the blink of an eye you finally see the light
its amazing when the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
its amazing and i'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
*amazing by aerosmith

and i see no bravery in your eyes anymore 

after all the essays and exercise sets have been completed and packed away, all the goodbye lunches and dinners planned and partaken in, all the matches cancelled (and all the ensuing depression fought out of the system), all the cough and cold medicine swallowed hard, all the bored interludes filled with love and silly laughter, i sit down, in my imaginery pool of tears and rain, and reflect.

i reflect on the people who have walked in and out of my life. two years ago at the lowest point in my life, a friend pulled me out of the dumps, made me clean up my act, and the tears, and almost singlehandedly saw me right through the crucial exams i thought i was never gonna find the strength to face. it was this same friend whom i texted at midnight one night many months later, asking for help in sending in an application i didnt wanna pass on, he did it for me, no questions asked. to you, i still look forward to the day we get to sit down at swensens and eat all our favourite flavours again, whenever you are ready, i am.

back in the days of sky blue pinafores, when i was doing all the wrong things i didnt even realize i was doing, i met a darkwolf. this was the friend who called me birdgirl, who watched me dance, who drew for me, who wrote me stories, who turned up at my place on my birthday and waited and waited and waited, whom i cried to when i lost my 400m race badly, who coached me cold war history, who was always there, who stood by me when no one else would, who made me promise never to let go of my lse dream, who loves me, even till today. for you i am undeservingly blessed.

when i went through my first serious downtime in london, this friend, stood out from among the crowd who could only offer empty words and waited with me at the hospital for hours too long to remember, texting me even though he was one door away outside the doctors room just to say he was there if i needed anything. i owe you my deepest respect and firmest friendship. this brings me to this friend who occupies a special place in my heart, because when i think back on the most depressed moments of my life, he (and only he) has always been there. hours upon hours at the hospital, during the crazy painful stressful exam period, when i crashed the car, it was him who brought me back on my feet, and it was him whom i have shared a great many happy moments with. you are the best friend i could ever ask for, life is good with you in it. there is this other friend who has coaxed and prayed me out of unhappiness time after time when no one else could hear the silent falling apart. weepu will try to stop being so emo okay?

and i have a friend who loves me beyond my wildest dreams. and the other buds who mean as much if not more to me, i know you know. i love you guys.

you see, friendship is easy when times are good. but, where were you when i needed you the most? where were you when you and only you could have made things better? where were you when i wanted someone to cry with? where were you when i wanted someone to be happy with? where were you when i swallowed all my pride and tried so hard to get to you? these questions would have been a breeze if you have been true to me. and the most painful thing i have learnt growing up is that when you open your heart to something/someone, you give them the infinite power to bring you to your knees. its a two-edged sword. always been.

and i see no bravery, no bravery in your eyes anymore
only sadness
*no bravery by james blunt

do you see the world through troubled eyes 

this is what i did over the last weekend before end of term:
1. swim, jacuzzi, sauna at eggtart girl's 'life is good' whitehall apartment.
2. thai lunch at a little hidden away cafe at waterloo.
3. buy stuff from iceland, lilywhites, hard rock cafe, brit museum.
4. late night dinner with jester, always good.
5. 1130am all souls church service
6. 3hours dreamy floaty nap on marshmallow bed.
7. birthday drinks with lizzy at henry's.
8. dinner at hk diner and supper at c&r with mogupig, throw in leicester square game stalls and an 8pound (failed) attempt to win a soft toy.
9. 4hour macro hw session with the two boys in the house. perverse, but good.
10. acquire a sore throat

this weekend has been one that took me all of nine weeks of this term to find, happiness at its simplest. yet somethings missing, and i'd be lying if i said im safe behind those walls ive learnt to build,but i'll be a fool to admit ive broken down those very walls myself. well i guess at this point of time, i'd rather be a liar than a fool.

i dont quote friends, but im making an exception. i hope you dont mind, dear girl.
"Why is it that the people who annoy you the most are the ones who constantly hound you, and the people who you love the company the most seem to be at crucial times most elusive?"

how i wish...its just tears and rain 

you guys need a fucking commitment check. and by commitment i dont mean being fanatical, i just mean putting discipline and heart into this so that we can stop being close but never good enough. thats all i ask.

how i wish i could surrender my soul
shed the clothes that become my skin
see the liar that burns within my needing
how i wish i'd chosen darkness from cold
how i wish i had screamed out loud
instead i've found no meaning

i guess its time i run far far away find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same it just keeps me from trouble
hides my true shape like dorian gray
i've heard what they say but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words it's just tears and rain

how i wish i could walk through the doors of my mind
hold memory close at hand help me understand the years
how i wish i could choose between heaven and hell
how i wish i would save my soul im so cold from fear

i guess its time i run far far away find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same it just keeps me from trouble
hides my true shape like dorian gray
i've heard what they say but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words it's just tears and rain
*tears and rain by james blunt

barreliciooous 

the barrel round two - rugbygirls as super(sex)heroes this time round in purple capes, tanktops, hotpants and fishnets, the entire team getting fineage for losing (shitass) 103-0 to chichester and finding myself downing reef as fast as my teammates could (i did it!), just two pints of snakebite and feeling so vile (shame!), falling asleep on the couch (again) with patrick (again) and lucas (woohoo) and coco, waking up to join the barrel run round school and into the old theatre while others went to thrash and smash kings uni next door, running down kingsway to drury lane over covent garden hollering 'we're womens rugby, womens rugby, lse' in full costume no less (LSEWRFC!), polishing up ALL the pizza at pizzahut buffet, staggering home to lse across the strand capes flying behind us and still singing and scaring little children ('why...was she born so beautiful why was she born at all she's no fucking use to anyone she's no fucking use at all, DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK...'), walking home not knowing if and when il make it back to 22 theobalds road, flipping into bed for six hours flat (still minging dirty) fighting the mutinous head in between strange dreams of calella and other sloshy times. time of my life.


xoxo, shagedelicacy

for old times sake 

we might as well be strangers 

my days have been too packed for my liking, and im skipping lectures/classes three days in a row for an assortment of reasons, what the hell is going on. anyway chinois on tuesday was one of the best parties ive been to, i think that says quite abit yeah. awesome time dancing, drinking, suppering till 5am where i got home and promptly flipped into bed, realizing that all this was probably not a good idea at all with a match eight hours away.

to me, rugby will always be the best sport in the world. it suddenly struck me that nothing comes close because no other game gives you all the control and lets you all take all the chances as long as you want to, because no other game lets you fight as hard as you want to, with none of those stupid rules that say you cant run your guts out with the ball or tussle the ball out of your opponents' hands or contact that limp looking player to stop you. thats why i love the sport. anyway back to brunel, they loaned us two players and we played 12s and we held up manificently against a team which rested all its international players for that matter. but all the drinking the previous night did me no good, and it was to the extent that i could taste the tequila in my mouth each time i removed my mouthguard, minging stuff ;( i guess i played hard but not hard enough, to be honest i only made one good tackle but the adrenalin rush of seeing the girl fall smack on the grass with the ball spilling out of her hands makes me wanna go back for more and more and more. and then theres this thing called fitness thats the least a scrumhalf should do, but i dont go for the least its always the best that matters isnt it. sunday we'll shine, promise. its the barrel tomorrow (later rather), i cant say im uber excited-until-i-cant-sleep, but its something il definitely not miss for the world, well almost.

im not sure if im man enough to take the pure and happy and good times that come my way. because twice this fortnight, ive rolled over in the morning feeling so lost and so empty and so lonely i wish i never felt those highs the previous day in the first place. is it the world or is there something wrong with me. sad stuff.

so little time try to understand that
i'm trying to make a move to stay in the game
i try to stay awake and remember my name
but everybody's changing and i don't feel the same
*everybodys changing by keane

by the way, my laptop has been suicidal for the past three days, no battery and no internet makes me a grouchy piece of whatever. fuck.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS