for you smudge 

for the first time ever, i completed a 3000word essay in 3days(!). survival by the skin of my teeth in every sense of the word, but im thankful im in good time for tomorrow's deadline since ive got a perverse prinicple against asking for essay extensions as far as it is humanly possible not to. the price? hours, days, nights spent with eight books and a laptop, and a less than promising essay i hate to admit. my weekend though, was nowhere as hellish as i expected, how does four hour training session with everyone, portobello market lunch with spursboy and friend, and dimsum and shopping with alien sound to you.....yay right =D now to tackle ec201 essay, gv101 essay, gv101 presentation, spanish exam, and rugby cup finals (thanks to the imperial walkover). the shit never stops.

they always say ask God and He'll make it clear to you. i prayed. first my rugby semifinals were cancelled meaning i could make the other training session; second i received a succession of emails in perfect order and timing which pointed towards play. if this is what You are trying to tell me Lord, i thank You eternally for Your love for me. i have grown fearful and reluctant and resentful because i think following means giving up everything that means something to me. maybe, but maybe ive forgotten too that He loves me, my Father, whom i should stop fighting.

my dearest ex-fullback, thank you for the words that gave me all the courage, esteem, and sunshine i could ever ask for. i wish i could hug you right now.

defeat is only momentary 

had a good heartfelt conversation with nicky yesterday. i think if theres anyone out there who can save me from myself, its gotta be her. the bad feeling still wouldnt go away, the guilt, the frustration, the inadequacy, and she comforts even if she doesnt empathise. its a heavy burden, a huge challenge, and sometimes i feel as though i will never be able to make the promises that can break me, i am too weak, too human. but i think yesterday He made it clear nicky will show me how.

on another note,
happiness is ham&cheese bap days with pseudo hanky swishing aunty.
happiness is finally seeing droog in school rushing by in huge red coat.
happiness is the anticipation of the big day even if all becomes nothing.
happiness is bear and me on msn so simple and yet so difficult at times.
happiness is raw and rash and rare sometimes you gotta walk away. i did, just once.

forget it 

yesterday as i sat lonely under our tree waiting for my teammates to arrive for training, i caught sight of old friend training with her team. something was so familiar to me even over the distance of roughly 250 metres and amidst rain and wind, the way she ran, the way she caught the ball, the way she played, to me it was unmistakable. and i realized thats what becomes natural to you over three years of training and playing together, same team, same dreams, and same end. when can WE ever feel the old days again.

after enduring unspeakable abuse from rain and wind on the cycle home, i arrived at our door with frozen-stiff hands that couldnt even handle those brakes on the road, much less those tiny keys somewhere in my bag. and so i knocked. and as i stood outside waiting for my good hot bath, all i got was muffled singing to the sounds of enya's amarantine by an alienic mate for a good five mins before i turned aggresive and banged. it was for unknow reasons, a hilarious, if not absurd episode =T

truth, beauty, and a picture of you 

last term i believe, i was down because i suffered a crisis of identity. i struggled with the feeling that i was standing still while everyone around me surged ahead for the prize, and when i couldnt stand it anymore i attempted to compete for the prize too because i thought if i didnt try i would never know. this term i gave it all up because i was convinced that all this was just someone else's dream i tried to achieve for myself; i dont deny however that i still struggle with it sometimes, because i guess if i fail to achieve my own true dream at the end of the day, then perhaps someone else's dream may not be that bad an idea. please tell me otherwise.

this term has been perversely busy, not one day goes by where i laze in the truest sense of the word. but the important bit is that some semblance of happiness has overshadowed much of the depression of last term ;) people, special ones, i admit, have played an immense part. on the downside, ive got two essays, one presentation, and a horrorhorrorhorror spanish exam till the end of term. on the sunnyside, ive got rugby semifinals, london games, and dance show to get me through the term. and this time, unlike last year, i would like my favourite people to come for dance show (21/02 & 23/02) because this should be my last, and because i believe in the two pieces i will be dancing in - ballet and bollywood ;)

you've crossed the finish line
won the race but lost your mind
was it worth it after all
i need you here with me cause love is all we need
jus take ahold of the hand that breaks the fall

but i can't do this all on my own
no i know i'm no superman i'm no superman
*superman by rufus wainwright

vienna: the bee and duffel-head alien 

the songs that remind him of the better times 

in what was to be our last busa match of the year (how time slips), we lost 79-10 to chichester. nevermind the number of tries we conceded, to score two fantabulous tries agains the team that had only dropped points against one other team speaks for itself. the minicoach journey there was reminiscent of the calella journey, not sure if thats a good or bad thing - feeling sick from the winding roads, drinking tequila and blackcurrent vodka and wine silly, playing 'have you ever', listening to neverending confessions and scandals, singing rugby songs, making pitstops at the gas station, falling asleep admist screaming sloshed rugby players, female at least.

i actually made it to dance practice when we got back to school in my inebriated state, someone salute me. cabbed down to join the girls at belushi's after that, in good time for dinner and our private performance which was minging to say the very least. haha, but still i regard it as an important experience, and my friend says "its the learning curve". go figure.

can you hear the au sing, i cant hear a fucking thing
womens rugby womens rugby womens rugby l s e

* * *
five years ago if i knew who i really was, maybe you and i would have been wildly different today; but i had to be lost in my clandestine world of magick back then. its too late of course, way too late, and what is tender and warm and safe to me now does not belong to me, at least not for long. and i suddenly realized why i spoke good about her even though there was nothing good to say really, its because our hearts beat the same way, and they bleed the same way too.

the favourite one 

happy twenty first, my best friend, my dark wolf, my enfant terible, my joey, my thursday lunch date, my happiness in a cruel world. i love you with all of me -mash-

"I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolf. I don't say I don't like people at all but, to tell you the truth I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds." -Bela Lugosi, hungarian actor

its birthday season 

to the girl who went crazy with me riding the carousel in the park in bilbao-land,
to the girl who walked with me across waterloo bridge to and from rugby matches,
to the girl who downed snakebites with me at the tuns and walkabout and crush,
to the girl whom i tackled and tried to push into the kebab shop on the way to MoS,
to the girl who sent me a columbia sweatshirt and alcohol flask set for my birthday,


happy 22nd birthday. you are missed, an ocean away. -tackle-

its not the mountain that will wear you down, its the sand in your shoes 

match report: the team beat k c l women's rugby 37-5 this morning to advance to the ulu cup semifinals in three weeks time. they were a beastily sized team i must say, although let down by a weak backline that failed to threaten in attack; the ref though was a condescending biased cucumber, although im not surprised. unfortunately i found myself woefully off-colour until the last twenty minutes of the match, but it was too late (for me) anyway. i guess i knew something was very wrong when i only woke up twenty minutes before our 850am meeting time at waterloo, and when jen kept throwing me balls i was too spaced out to see coming my way during warmup; the sharpness with which i played my game was so woefully lacking this time round ;( boo. on hindsight maybe i shouldnt have gone to crush with so-young last night, but there are some things and some people i can never pass on, yeah its still my fault anyway.

and high up above or down below when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth
lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you
*fix you by coldplay

dear Lord, fix me, i am s t r e t c h e d and worn and broken by the very things i love too much to let go. i want to be everything but i cant, i want to be with everyone but i cant. will you come fix me.

turn and try 

last night in my hazy slumber i dreamt that i was in a class, or maybe an audition, dancing ballet. it was a pirouette routine and we had to perform a double pirouette en dehor, a double pirouette en dedan, followed up a freestyle grand pirouette. when it was my turn, i stepped out and did both double pirouettes raw but sharp, and then i prepared for my final pirouette en dedan with arms in fifth; i turned six times. momentarily everyone was a blur of claps and cheers and the only distinct figure was that of my dance teacher glowing; when we all finally sat down for dinner at a grand table, he sat opposite me and he was so proud and i was so happy.

when i danced, i danced for myself, but it was always him who brought out the elusive spark in me. when i play rugby, i play for myself, but it was only when she, then they, and now he was watching that i found the fire to blaze the field. i am forever indebted to f and t and w and r for the dizzying highs they have led me to at some time or other in my life, but for now i need to be able to rise to the occasion on my own, with unimaginable chutzpah. saturday is important to me, because if it ends there, then all the happiness i had survived on in the past four weeks would disappear, and i wont know what to do.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS