tiger tiger burning bright 

some time ago, i stumbled upon two bridges. i liked bridge 10 almost at once, because each time i crossed it there was something unspeakably happy, mindblowing, and powerful about it; and bridge 14, i crossed slowly but steadily i learnt to love just as well. one day when things started collapsing around me, i walked away, burning the bridges as i left. for every inch that burnt, bridge 14 tried to catch up with me by rebuilding itself inch by inch. but bridge 10, i looked back with every step i took because i was so ready to turn back and fight the flames together; but no, cause bridge 10 only realized it needed rebuilding when it had completely burnt down. no prizes for guessing which bridge still stands today.

its not always rainbows and butterflies
its compromise that moves us along
my heart is full and my door's always open
you can come anytime you want
*she will be loved by maroon 5

i miss you, the old you.

manamana 

florence was the land of trolley bags; best porkchop in the world, yummy pasta and pizza and coffee everywhere, gelato waffle on my hoodie, michelangelo's david sculpture, breathtaking breathtaking art, the duomo, the bridge of houses, hiding from the petition guys, discovery of mogupig's little bro mogucow, the search for the elusive last supper, the entrophy effect, pride and prejudice, zara crazy, tiny shower in the room, late night conversations. pisa was the land of galiiiiii tasiiiiii; michele's guesthouse, tower of pisa, lying in the sun on marbled floors, zara crazy, best vongole and bloody bistecca for dinner, deep sleep.

and the last day, we braved fire and storm and the motely crew of the incredible / fantastic / famous four, crazy train woman, darlie lady, supersize-me family, and even heathrow photo aunty, to return home, twelve hours later. daylight saving miscalculations, missed flight turned to cancelled flight, one hour wait for train to florence, yelling at the train man who accused us of missing our eurostar, standing in the eurostar, twenty minutes in bologna and one macs burger each, train ride through the fields to forli, cab ride to the airport, mugging the shites out of ourselves, plane ride, national express, 38, crispy duck, 38, home. twelve hours, and a resolution never to go back...land of the brusque.

sad eyes never lie 

turn left turn right 

sad is a difficult word to explain. it hides in the winding queues at crush on the last friday of term, in the two strepsils and fizzy mug of redoxon i injest to get rid of the sore throat, in the new layout for condiments in our greasy kitchen, in the words of alfian saat's journal from three years ago, in the shoes you left behind and the toys you did not take, in sleep, in inability to sleep.

in my irregular heartbeat...You give and take away.

i wish i could tell you, but soon is not enough for me.

may day(s) 

last day of lent term is supposed to be happydappy! like skip useless lecture, sleep in past noon, lunch with paulywally, maybe bible study with the girls, asian boys vol. 2, crush/penthouse to end the season...haha.

BUT NO WAY, all thanks to the finals bombshell for end of may (or end of me rather). i have 4 papers in nine days with 2 government essay papers in ONE day; and i end a good twelve days before i ended last year. am i dead or what.

i am le scared =( chao mugger chao needs to come out right now. okay, maybe after ulu cup rugby finals on sunday, every every every reason to be le excited!

nothing i have is truly mine 

i wish you you didnt and wont change from the person i almost fell in love with; because it hurts me now that we laugh plastic laughs and not raw blood laughs.

i wish you knew what it means to be true, really true; because if you think carefully you'll know that the only reason you lost all those people was because you always cared too much about collecting more friends. enough is such an important word.

i wish you played because you really loved it; because then you'll see that hunger and pride live longer and stronger any medal or position.

can you imagine no love, pride, deep fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you even when i know you're wrong
can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had...and me

and tell me did venus blow your mind was it everything you wanted to find
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
*drops of jupiter by train

cheeky + monkey 

sad to say, rugby has been the one things i have pushed to the back of my mind in recent days. while i stretched myself over christian union, academia, frienship, even dance and netball, rugby slowly and quietly eluded me. i guess love needs reminders sometimes =) and this came in the form of the u c l rugby 7s tournament, although in all honesty i wasnt quite looking forward to it at all.

i think playing is so important, because even if we play bad, we learn, and we love. when our team went out there and lost the matches we were expected to win, played awful, knocked on balls, walked instead of ran, allowed our men to run riot, ran out of fitness, we learnt. i learnt so bloody hard how not to play rugby, how not to play without pride, how not to be on the field just for the sake of lasting the match, and how much i love this game to throw it all away; it was not the hardest way to learn though, because at least after today i know we all know so well how to play good kickass rugby in our ulu cup finals against r v c next sunday.

"i have learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is or how bad it hurts, you can make it."
-Gale Sayers

the beautiful game, this has to be it...the feeling you get when you fight so hard and you are rewarded with that elusive try. i got my second try of the year in the dying minutes of our last match against r h u who beat us anyway, although we would have munched them if we were playing 15s. it went like this, sandy to me, me to jen, jen sprinting, jen pumping past two men, jen bosching a giant, me calling, jen to me, me sidestepping gaint, me running like i believed i could score, me diving for the try, jen screaming, me jumping on jen to hug her, opponent saying good try. when something as beautiful as that happens, nothing can take that away. the next match, the finals, will be the last one for the partnership of jen and me. il miss that, cheeky + monkey, sorely. what am i without the flyhalf i look up so much to.

and in the midst of everything, i say glory to God. when we kicked off the second half of our last match, i prayed for a try, just for a try to make everything right...and yes, who would have thought. i say this not to prove that He is a santa claus God who grants us all our whims and wishes, i only say this to show how sovereign beyond our wildest dreams He is. amen =)

need i say more =D =D =D 

lets go eat sashimi 

finally a good little day by my little standards, although yesterday didnt include any lectures/classes so maybe it doesnt really count. i began by completing the final fifth of my gv101 essay, after which i even threw in the presentation =) all accomplished in the company of someone who spent hours with me on msn, contemplating on in fact, serious stuff. so there, final essay down, liberating but sad at the same time. i suddenly imagined fighting essay deadlines all over again next year and it struck me that i was gonna be at it alone because someone would either be not around or too busy, the latter i hope. nvm, il keep fighting yeah.

after that i sat on my bed and read the papers, followed by my bible...and i fell asleep sitting at the feet of my Father talking to him late into the night. because i planned to skip the irrelevant lecture, i got to sleep in for the first time in eons, wahey =) woke up at noon, lunch, ec201 quiz, email of encouragement, zzzzz, ebay, ec210, sains. walked to school for prayer meeting; peace, happiness, and fellowship. after prayer meeting, so yeun (azuki beans!), jacky, cadance, weibin came over for a dinner of laksa and tangyuan! over which we talked, shared, prayed, laughed at sy of course, happy couldnt have been a better word =) dear God, thank you, amen.

His promise 

1Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. 2As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do - living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you.

12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

19So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.
-1 Peter 1:1-4, 12-16, 19

my promise 

the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why You brought me here
but just because You love me the way that You do
i'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

no i'm not who I was when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to You
then i will go through the fire if You want me to

it may not be the way i would have chosen
when You lead me through a world that's not my home
but You never said it would be easy
You only said i'll never go alone

so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear You answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and i will go through the darkness if You want me to

when i cross over jordan i'm gonna sing gonna shout
gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
so take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
and i will walk through the valley if You want me to
*if you want me to by ginny owens

i know i am rubbish, and that i am uncommittal and guilty and weak and nothing like your passionate fishermen. but You love me still, and You choose me still, and because of that You're preparing me no matter how rubbish i am. amen, king Jesus.

licor y cigarrillos 

another part of my life i have to walk away from =( its like how fullback stopped playing because she wanted to preserve lsewrfc as sacred, or how i didnt want darkwolf to come watch me because i wanted to protect 'Awesome Memories', its the same. without x and x, to stay on almost feels like a betrayal of the glorious days; we may become worse or maybe better but the important thing is that we will never be the same. everyday is a step further from the days that made me smile.

i think i live too much in the past.

revelation number one 

i remember london games last year as my happiest day of the year, i dont know why, but it was. to me, that was happiness. at london games this year, we lost for the fourth straight time, and it didnt matter that we reached those heights of brilliance or that we almost did it; at the end of it all, it hurt. it was not losing that broke me, it was the finality and futility of the end of 'happiness' that did.

i had to make the two hour journey to orpington to receive my first revelation from Him. for the first time in my life, i realized that it was the things of the world that always and always and always brought me to my knees...when you want to win more than anyone else but you lose, when you get what you want but you dont want it anymore, when you climb your mountain but you see someone else on an even higher one, when your friends fail you not because they are unhuman but precisely because they are human. He taught me that when we give our happiness to medals and love and intelligence and friends, we will always be hurt because all these will fail us, without fail, ten out of ten and a hundred percent. the only thing that is constant in this mad world, is Him; the one who loves me even though i am rubbish.

nothing i do or achieve can make me happy because all joy has the same beginning, Him and only Him. 'joy is never in our control and pleasure often is' -C.S.Lewis.

Your blood speaks a better word
than all the empty claims i've heard upon this earth
speaks righteousness for me and stands in my defense
Jesus it's Your blood

what can wash away our sins what can make us whole again
nothing but the blood, nothing but the blood of Jesus
what can wash us pure as snow welcomed as the friends of God
nothing but Your blood, nothing but Your blood king Jesus

the destructors 

ministry of sound vs. 830am comm meeting
netball tournament vs. leadership camp
leadership camp vs. rugby training
govt essay vs. lunch with lunch buddy
spanish resit test vs. venice spring trip

i dropped out, i burned up, i fought my way back from the dead
i tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing that you said...
*i'll be by edwin mccain

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS