attack of the frenchiepannies 

this is your game 

its kinda hard with you not around know you in heaven smiling down
watching us while we pray for you every day we pray for you
till the day we meet again in my heart is where i'll keep you friend
memories give me the strength i need to proceed the strength i need to believe
*i'll be missing you by puff daddy

8 weeks and 5 departments later 

its over hey, whoopee! but im sick,and i cant tell how bad though it does feel rough. -gulp- please can i get better in a wink cos i need to go to the gym before i travel to paris in one day, to be present at the wimbledon friendly in eight days, and to fly home in nine days.

i wish i were young again. when i was making my rounds at the departure lounge the past week, i remembered us flying home last summer, it was the 17th of june...we sat ourselves among the crowd, pushed the horrendous apple juice back and forth, and i took out my laptop to play my sappy songs to you. that was only a year ago, but even that felt young. okay, i'll say more about the internship another time.

when will i ever learn 

don't take too long to say i love you to the ones you love
cause time has a habit of slipping away
out on a clear blue sky when lighting strikes on a sunny day
just take me in and keep me from the rain

and the words that seem so hard to say
come out when you've gone away
stay a little while and hear me say
that i want you here tonight and i need you by my side
for just one more moment
for just one more moment with you

sometimes time will treat you bad before you even know what's wrong
and in the end it hits you hard please tell me you'll be strong
*one more moment by ronin

i hate me 

the icl meal presentation today was for winter cycle first class and economy class; we never got to the economy class cos the finetuning was taking waytoolong and boss has to go back to write his reports, but not that it mattered after tasting the first class stuff. i had the gordon ramsay steak, buttered lobster, korma fish, szechuan soup, roast duck, and lots of sushi(!). and wine, which conspired to make my afternoon at the ticketing office hell, as i drooped asleep every couple of minutes while shadowing one of the ticketing agents. cannot make it, as they say.

in an ironic turn, my mouth has been battered from today's and tuesday's training.

in the end it hits you hard 

two pieces of bad news in two days >< monday, that; and tuesday, gavin told me after training that his business trip to singapore has been changed from sept to oct, thats double whammy for me since it means i'll miss him for two months, drats. and, some jackass had the audacity to attempt fraud on the handphone im selling for drew on ebay; he sent me three bogus paypal receipts and wanted me to post the item to nigeria...like seriously, i think people need to have more self-respect than to stoop to such crimes.

in better news, heathrow airport is treating me well. i got to sit in the captain's seat in the cockpit, walk on the tarmac under the belly of the plane, take muffin and tea breaks in the silverkris lounge, greet passengers before/after their flights, lunch with the bosses on their tab, and i'll be attending a meal presentation on thursday. makes the bad stuff less bad yeah, and im thankful.

gonna flop into bed, head, shoulders, knees, and arms are bumped from training.

skinny black tie 

how can i think i'm standing strong
yet feel the air beneath my feet
how can happiness feel so wrong
how can misery feel so sweet
*closest thing to crazy by katie melua

let my consolation, then, be that i cannot expect of someone what i would never have been able to give her myself. thats life, and i'm gonna pass on fighting this one.

countdown version3.0 

5 more days to completion of internship(!)
6 more days to parisland with den =)
13 more days to seeing mariii =P
15 more days to home =D
43 more days to GREs =T
* * *


in just one week we've had pasta and tiramisu at la porchetta, burgers and shake at tootsies, mussels and pavlova at belgos, sashimi buffet at hi sushi, one whole roast duck at four seasons, latte and mint frappe at cafe nero, crepes at south ken, hummingbird cupcakes at portobello market, pub grub and pimms and beer at slug and lettuce...good ol fatty times =) 6 days to lose weight and gym up while den goes on his eurotrip from tomorrow, and then we'll do it all over again in paris.

darn, i cant believe ive gotta turn up for work at heathrow airport tomorrow. alcohol it seems, makes one either freakin' high or freakin' depressed<---ditto.

blacks midnight 7s 

you dont wanna miss this guys. i dont want to either, but hey, this is not about me. go brfc, and lets see you lift the jane lee memorial cup.

one more moment 

i was crap at training =/ im disappointed, in myself, for being so preoccupied with impressing gavin that i failed to get into the zone to tackle and whack; and if i cant get myself to wake up, lets forget all about pulling on the quins jersey anytime soon. i guess, competitive teams appeal to me cos i have always believed that the best players should play all the time,scratch rotation. im gonna work hard to be selected.

there are times we find ourselves in circumstances that do not favour us. i do not believe that these circumstances were meant to snare us, i think we were intended to defeat them.

competing in sports has taught me that if I'm not willing to give 120 percent, sombody else will. -Ron Bloomberg

be confident, be humble 

when gavin says run, you run, and out comes magic =)

its hard to do sometimes, to believe that im not working at nothing for nothing, but if i dont, no one will. and im giving myself this one chance, because i have realized, in time, that nothing makes me happier. i accept that i may not get what i desire, but its a risk i must take, for to do otherwise would be what i cannot live with.

being first is first, being second is nothing.

countdown version2.0 

1 more day to den's feed-the-tourist campaign =)
2 more weeks to end of 8 week internship
2 more weeks to eurodisney and normandy
3 more weeks to home
* * *
tell me that you're happy that you're on your own
tell me that it's better when you're all alone
tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life
*what it takes by aerosmith

the rule i have always adhered to 

'Let us discover', he wrote, 'the neglected truth that we love only ourselves, that we love only the idea we form of ourselves as seen by the people we desire'.
-Remy de Gourmont in a letter to Natalie Barney

hip-llusions 

i did something uncharacteristic of myself last night, but i wanted to go. so i did. pentonville road has good music and although the crowd could have been better, i'd def be back; eh... s is a nice girl, but i didnt wanna get into the way of her and her partner, so i was left with m, who was literally cussing the music the whole night, which got to me after a while. bud bud bud, i wish we could do it together soon >< cos if we could do camp attack, we're gonna have a blast at this one.

its all about r-u-g-b-y 

im floating, training was awesome =) i need to tell this story though, ha-ha. as you know, im the smallest player on the team, (but seriously, i'd choose small and fast over big and slow); so today we had contact drills, and after putting myself through the attack countless times i went on one of the tackle bags as defence. struds, a backs player slightly bigger than me charged towards me, i braced myself, but before i knew it i flew backwards and finally landed back-of-head first on the grass, took quite a while to get up after that. what im trying to say is...please dont let me get injured, but this is standard man, and its exciting how much there is to learn.

our coach, gavin told me after training that my game plan is to work my sidesteps, and to use my speed and build up the confidence to run past my opponents. and when i asked him about gym training, he said not to bulk up as that would slow me down, that really surprised me actually, cos you just saw me get smashed by a back yeah. anyway, ive been abit down about missing training and pre-season friendlies in sept when i go home, but guess what, gavin's heading down to sg the same time too for work related business, and that means i wont be missing too much then. been an awesome night. happy happy happy...floating! =)

this is so hard to say, after all that has happened, but thank You, God.

what the f. 

worst day of my summer. i didnt even make it for training, through no fault of my own, and there goes all the contact work i've been looking forward to since forever. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

if i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
if i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
if i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe
*simple together by alanis morissette

i'm fixing my eyes on the one thing that is infinitely important to me right now. but if you love me, tell me won't ya, cos it would still mean something.

twenty nine point five five 

to the alien out there, this is directed at you since you are the only one i've told about my 6km time target. i nailed it, way ahead of schedule...din expect it did ya? =P lets go race, ha-ha.

do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothin and everythin all at once
i am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it
sometimes i give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
it all keeps adding up i think i'm cracking up, am i just paranoid, i'm just stoned
*basketcase by green day

the weakness in me 

because we all need things to look forward to =)
1 more week to den's arrival
2 more weeks to airport placement
3 more weeks to end of internship
3 more weeks to paris
4 more weeks to home

the problem is that no two lives ever beat the same way, in perfect timing. sometimes you're on fire, sometimes you're in a lull, sometimes your heart is big enough for love, sometimes you're invincible on your own, sometimes you are willing to do anything, sometimes you wanna do nothing, but everyone's sometime is different; and thats what makes emotional attachment so agonizing.

i thought i could do it, easily, but i walked right back in, just like that. i know i dont want to, but its about time i made the difficult decisions, for my own sake.

you're beautiful 

wahey wahey, the broadband ordeal is over and im ready to rock and roll =D its been a detox weekend, mental not physical, spent head-propped on bear's dining table talking life and the likes, and with the girls picking berries and sunflowers, toss in the usual suspects gymming, shopping, churching, nottoo bad a way to end off a rough week, yeah? but wait, the mindfucks still wont go away.
* * *another thing. say you rented a car for the month of july. august comes and you're still hanging on to the dude, the owner calls you up to return the car within a couple of days because he wants to use it in mid august. you're at fault for not returning the car in good time, and worse, for not having the civility or sense to inform the owner that you will be extending the rent, so dont turn around and blame the owner for not telling you earlier that he will be using the car in mid august so you can make plans. and guess what, you stand to lose from your assumptions, not the car owner. i dont normally like to slag people off like that, but i wont take shit from anyone; and even if money is not a problem for you, money is not a solution for me, geddit.

the real deal 

i thought we'd be genius together, i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together, thought we'd be adventurous together
but i was sadly mistaken

i expected more from you. but its not like i need you bad, i could do with less distraction. and you know what boys and girls, please dont give me anything; cos when you have to take it away from me, i will hate you for it.

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but i was sadly mistaken
*simple together by alanis morisette

go low 

i will be training with quins every tuesday and thursday from now. yesterday we finally moved into contact work and went through a series of tackle drills which left me very much lost tactically, but what exposure. now we're talking rugby; rugby that burns. i have resolved to stop lamenting being away from home, because where i am should not dictate the player i am or can be. thank you, coach =) i will learn to play with heart and be the change i want to see, i am willing to try.

* * *
i cant take my mind off you. and thats not good; cos im supposed to have mastered this. and i dont want to need anyone, even if i always knew you were special.

* * *
check this out guys. rare bits of fun at work =)

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS