live well, train hard 

i wept.
=(

but, i realized i can do better. i want to be a better person, i want to be brilliant, for me, for you. and these are my grandplans for the academic year.

1. this is rugby year. i want to make the team for every club match, and i want to play all 80mins of every uni match. i want to hit my personal try targets. i want to be fully committed to trainings and matches, and gymming on days where there are no trainings/matches. i will drink less and cig none, and i wont be too half-arsed about most social events, rugby or non-rugby related.

2. academia is important. last year i was unknowingly complacent, but this year, i will work hard within reason (that means after rugby has been taken care of, haha). i want to be on top of what i am studying, and be good at it too.

3. live my own life. this being my final year in london, i know now more than ever the ones i want to keep for the rest of my life, and i guess they know too. i wont have time for many others and i wont be sorry about it.

sat around and thought about destiny
which led me to feelings i could not conceive
because i was holding on to yesterday
had to let go to find today

sat around and talked about politics
and all the different reasons why we exist
but what if the answer is right in front of me
turning these pages
*the politics of life by waking ashland

life goes on 

this is the fourth time i'm doing it, but it never gets easier does it. coming, going, hello, goodbye, smiles, tears, they take alot out of you, or me actually. and no matter how strong, i still can't do change, uncertainty, and emotional attachment. yes i guess things have a way of turning out fine in the end, i just fear this time, being strong is gonna take me a while.

close your eyes dry your tears cause when nothing seems clear
you'll be safe here from the sheer weight of your doubts and fears
weary heart you'll be safe here
*you'll be safe here by rivermaya

baby. 

take care i've been hurt before
too much time spent on closing doors
you may hate me but i'll remember to love you
goodbye don't cry you know why
it'll be just as quiet when i leave
as it was when i first got here
i don't expect anything
i don't expect anything

all the waves of blame arranged as broken scenery
as they steal your best memories away
what if i was someone different in your only history
would you feel the same as i walk out the door
*quiet by rachael yamagata

summer of 2006 

short, but sweet. thank you all for the memories, (hopefully), i'll be back in a wink.

i'll miss our stayovers. side by side, baring hearts, laughing, and then waking up at the glorious time of 5pm the next day. oh happy days.

i'll miss clubbing adventures with you babes, oft involving us downing tequila shots, someone saying sorry in that cute way, and me falling asleep.

i'll miss our silly texting marathons.

i'll miss cab rides all over the place with you.

and you, i'll miss our rugby days. stocktaking, touch training, ntl matches, bbq, fartlegs, fitness training, 15s trainings, post training discussuions. it always feels good working with someone, competing with someone, dreaming with someone.

don't let them know that they have won 

when we left we mulled over what we might come back to one fine day; i still cant say if we were right or wrong, but either way we lose. disapointed maybe, but thats not important anymore, what is, is that i dont want to be disappointed in myself. i want to be brilliant. and i'll do anything to be brilliant. i owe myself that.

when you cry be sure to dry your eyes
cause better days are sure to come
and when you smile be sure to smile wide
don't let them know that they have won
and when you walk walk with pride don't show the hurt inside
because the pain will soon be gone

and when you dream, dream big, as big as the ocean blue
cause when you dream it might come true, when you dream, dream big
*dream big by ryan shupe and the rubberband
* * *
please don't make me walk off the bridge i try so hard to mend each time i'm home. whatever happened to freedom, respect, love, from the both of you, always.

longview. 

and the same when autumn comes
cold air i breathe in my lungs
somethings new but nothings changed
familiar feelings just the same
soon too the warm air comes by
lie back and stare at blue skies
thinking back away and from when
i'll be here and you'll be gone further from me

i think now of summers high and reminisce on past times gone by
only remembered now in earth trees the stars that have been there
and there forever held kept safe but memories never told
but felt if you went by in never changing sky
*further by longview

who moved my fillet mignon 

prosaic alien and erudite bee finally found the time to go to the andana spa to chill (and study dammit) today. the massage was shiok, especially with my shoulder all funny from training and fitness, but other than that...its really not my kind of thingmajig. when i grow up i dont wanna be rich and bored and deriving happiness from living in the lonely lap of luxury, and bossing people around like dogs, and sitting stupidly by some pedicure machine. i just want my dirty old rugby field =P oh, but still thanks alien, apart from your customary key fight. ha-ha.

to round up the day of high life, my parents kindly brought along a lightbulb to celebrate their wedding anniversary at morton's. what can i say, bloody steaaak, bloody orgaaasmic. again, again!

happenstance 

i could love this life. butterfactory, tequilashots, cigs, dance, high; farrerpark, tacklepad, rain, mud, game; home, fresh clothes, tau sa piah. its been some time since i last rolled over in the dead of the morning feeling so down over what has passed and what lies ahead. what if that dream has ended for me, one year early.

they never tell you truth is subjective
they only tell you not to lie
they never tell you there's strength in vulnerability
they only tell you not to cry
they never tell you you don't need to be afraid
they only tell you to deny
*something else by gary jules

how many hearts do we break, how many lies does it take, how many wrong turns do we make. till we get to where we truly want to be.

we miss them 

"......is no longer mine to love. i can only watch from afar, concentrate on my own game, and strive to do justice to the beautiful memories".

i couldn't have put it better. it strikes so close to my own heart, it's scary, it hurts.

impossible is nothing 

part of growing up is learning patience, to wait, for good things. to wait for what we desire, to wait for time to be right, to wait while the rest move ahead first. patience, to pace ourselves at the things we cannot have now, so that we will be in the best position for it when our day comes. two year plan hey =D thrilling, because if and when we do achieve it, it would still only mean that the fun has just begun.

* * *i want you to realize that i am one of you, or was, if you deem so. i dont expect anything big, but civility, if thats not too much to ask.

. 

we'll do it all everything on our own
we don't need anything or anyone
if i lay here if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world

i don't quite know how to say how i feel
those three words are said too much they're not enough
if i lay here if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world

all that i am all that i ever was
is here in your perfect eyes they're all i can see
i don't know where confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all
if i lay here if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world
*chasing cars by snow patrol

my summer of ... 

this summer, i learnt to respect others, but i also learnt to ask of the same respect for myself. i learnt to be myself, to say no when i mean no. i learnt to put heart into my game, i learnt that the strength of the people in my heart is far stronger than anything my mind is made of. i learnt to be brave for the dream of becoming better. i learnt to run like nobody can catch me. i learnt to accept that what i want is not the same as what most would want. i learnt the true meaning of risk. i learnt to solve problems, but i also learnt to look problems in the eye and say no big deal yeah. i learnt to act on my desires. i learnt who i was and might be, i learnt that life is not mine to choose. i learnt that the people i am drawn to are those who understand me, and i learnt that understanding someone else cannot be learned. i learnt that i like unconventional friends. i learnt to believe in myself, less in others. i learnt that love is strange and strong and self-inflicted. i learnt that hurt always finds its way back to where it came from. i learnt that sport is beautiful. i learnt that freedom feels good. i learnt, and i learnt to unlearn all that was not me.

harlequins 37 - 17 wimbledon 

quins kickedoff the season with a good victory over wrfc in our first friendly match. they werent the toughest opponents (being a division below us), but we played well; it felt sublime seeing the techniques and strategies we've been working hard on over summer being played out on the field, try-tastic as they say. we still have a lot of work to do, but this is a good foundation and we'll raise the bar with each match hey. also, what impressed me was the professionalism with which the team was ran, we had a two hour pre-match prep, our two coaches and physio were all down, and most importantly, we had 15 odd girls bloody ready to play good rugby on a sunday afternoon, that, is quite stunning to me; im glad i found these people.

guess what guys, i scored harlequins' first try of the season! am thrilled that gavin gave me the chance to start and play 2/3s of the match on the wing although i havent been at training the past week. i must say he's a bloody amazing coach cos he understands the psyche of his players..starting me and asking me if i wanted it really changed my attitude to the match, it made me want to score rather than just play; and i remembered well 'be confident be humble' =) that said, i know that getting on the scoreboard disguises the weak spots of my game that i have yet to improve on, and thats unacceptable. i might have been lucky this time, but the next time i'll make sure hard work and not luck takes me where i wanna be.

thank You, for today, for answering my prayer in the most mindblowing way.

"it sucks to be me" 

everybody must go watch avenue q hey, its the best musical i've ever watched =) funny, smart, real. it was a nice ending to den's eurotrip, with westminster abbey, wrights bar, scones and clotted cream, carnaby street, nandos, beer and crisps. i know i can be a real bugger to live with, but i'll miss you like shit when you go home. i know, so gay =)
* * *
there's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie
and there's a fine, fine line between 'you're wonderful' and 'goodbye'
i guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime
but there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time
and i don't have the time to waste on you anymore
i don't think that you even know what you're looking for
for my own sanity i've got to close the door and walk away
*there's a fine, fine line from avenue q

i got a new pair of sneakers, my suitcase is half packed with presents clothes notes, and theres liberal space for the rugby stuff to go in at the end; i'm good to go home. if only things were that easy.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS