finding emo 

i think you always knew deep down that you didn't have to worry about me, because i am and will always be too proud to give up. but on the rare occassions that you actually stepped in and walked me out of mazes, it felt good, for unknown reasons. and that was how we started isn't it. i miss you now. but for how long.

it suddenly occured to me that it is always the past that makes us unhappy.

LSE 15 - 5 some medical college 

it came, on the back of a try each from hannah, heather, and nas =) good work!

i didnt have a particularly brilliant game, maybe i was holding back cause of the light injuries i'm carrying , but thats a lame excuse. three things i should have realized before and not after the match: 1. being attack-minded must not compromise my foremost duties as a scrummie, 2. don't forget the value of a good clean deck, and 3. don't forget to use quins winger techniques; eh sounds more pro than it really is.

the medics were (expectedly) more gracious than the farmers; but maybe a bit too jocular for such an intense sport.i certainly don't like my opposing scrummie flicking her hip at mine in jest while i'm trying to press close to her during her feed in. o_O
* * *
one essay down! 1,029,384,756 more to go...feels like about there lah. -whinge-

LSE 10 - 24 some farming college 

damn those farmers. i have never seen and felt tackles so vicious; and its not even good rugby, its just flinging us from our jerseys and swinging their arms at our necks and clipping our legs from behind under their bodies, and kicking our faces after being tackled . what the fuck. i mean, at least half our team went down due to ugly rugby at some point or other in the match, myself included; hence explains why i presently have my left wrist on a block of ice and my right ankle in a tub of ice water. damn. but bitching aside, i am beating the shit of myself trying to reconcile what i'm practising at quins with how our team plays. and i need to work on passes. and my flyhalf... hmm. lets own sunday, hey.

if there is one thing i learnt, it is that victory will not come easy. but, it will come.
* * *
randomly, i finally managed to buy my textbooks brand new; after selling my bike and puma sneakers. i know, damn drama. hah.

what we saw 

knowing you Jesus
knowing You
there is no greater thing
You're my all nothing less
You're my joy my righteousness
and i love You Lord

float like a butterfly, sting like a bee 

they say,



my room is a rugby shrine;



i guess they're right,



it's my first love after all.

ball out 

you know your friend is for keeps when you tell her you are fatigued and unsure if you should go for training at night, and she says go because you will feel even worse if you don't. you are still dead right about me as always hey, darkwolf =)

that said, i failed to perform to satisfaction and i concede my body needs. big. rest.

* * *"Your biggest break can come from never quitting. Being at the right place at the right time can only happen when you keep moving toward the next opportunity". Arthur Pine

everything looks perfect from far away 

the vicious cycle i call my struggling student life: i am stressed by schoolwork, i go for rugby trainings/ kickabouts/ matches four or five odd times a week, i get too high or too tired to work, i am more stressed as schoolwork stacks up. eh, vicious.

its funny how i dread the one and a half hour journey to training and yet feel so good after training the journey back seems miles shorter. its nice how i finally found nice kids to put in an hour outside training to practice kicks with me, even though my hamstring is nottoo happy now. its frustrating when teammies get too intense during practice matches that they leave you with a swollen ankle and sore head from stomping and kicking them respectively. its exciting to apply club skills at uni level. its thrilling to play, and playmake as scrummie. its awesome we've got two matches next week. it sucks to go to school. it absolutely sucks to write essays.

worlds apart 

weakness scares me.

i like it when we are independent and brilliant and ready to take on the world, when we live out our semi-charmed lives and super-sonic dreams, even if it hurts a little.

love me if you dare 

i dreamt of you last night, the one who once captured my imagination in ways i am still abashed to speak of. we had a conversation sitting by by side on the sidewalk, you even laughed at my fat face. but when you finally stopped replying, i instinctly woke up knowing that the dream had ended.

she said life's a lot to think about sometimes
when you're living in between the lines
it's been four months since you left. i dont think about you as often as i would like to, but you were the turning point in the way i have lived my life since. something else happened along the way too, and i sometimes wonder real hard if it upsets you.

and all the stars are sparkling, shine everyday
why is it that i love the intensity that is me, but resist the intensity of anyone else. why is it that i am affectionate, but instinctively choose emotional detachment. why is it that i only want what i cannot have, but lose interest upon attaining it. why is it that i can love madly on my terms, but otherwise doubt my ability to feel. why is it that i have a two year plan, but for once i don't know where i'm heading.

he said life's so hard to move in sometimes
when it feels like i'm in the line
*the road i'm on by three doors down

hey sarah sarah 

LSE WRFC 0607 - number9 and number11

LSE 0 - 25 some animal college 

we lost, but it was a promising start. rvc is probably the toughest opponents we'll play in both leagues this season, and they beat us in the cup finals last year, so we're keeping our heads up. defence was sound, but attack needs inspiration and to do that i would like us to reshuffle the backline, our brand new backline, without my good old number10.

for me, it was nottoobad a game, good enough for man-of-the-match =D on attack made a few runs out of the scrum, and on defence made some decent tackles. but not good enough, i want to work on getting sharper balls out of our scrum, messing with opposing scrummie out of her scrum, defence support, and kicking. let's go.

impossible is not a fact. it's an opinion. impossible is not a declaration. it's a dare. impossible is potential. impossible is temporary. impossible is nothing.

they say we choose our own damnation 

the timetabling office must be trying to be funny, cause i have four out of four classes on friday nine to five no less, with monday wednesday and thursday as spongey lecture days, and tuesday off! my hard work of tinkering with my selection of courses to no end did reward me with a free day after all, yes cheap thrill.

my life is falling into place once again, and i'm (warily) happy. the glorious saturday morning kicked off early early with a river jog with fangfangfang =) followed by litbit gym and kicking ball until the tourists trooping to the londoneye spoilt my mood. homework and apps are due. match tomorrow, wahey! dins with goose too. and then its another bollocksy school week all over again. we'll get through, you and me.

the miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
i hear this life is overrated but i hope it gets better as we go
*here without you by three doors down

dream on wet blankets 

a poignant scene from a tv series i followed over summer. (J and partner M meet up with J's ex-boyfriend T and his wife for the first time since J and T parted.)

T: hey J, how's it going?
J: great, my book's being published.
T: wow, that's great, finally!
J: you never expected it did you?

ooh, sweet strike honey.

* * *
coach g. towers said to me at training, 'wingers have to be slightly cocky. when you see a fat player in front of you, smile to yourself and let your feet go wild'. woots =P

cheap words and cheaper tricks 

it seems to me that my conduct has, for the longest time, been governed by a vehement resistance to the inequality of expectations society confers on us, just because you're male, or female, younger, or older, asian, or western. these conventions have never convinced me, i am fatally attracted to the unexpected, the outrageous, the clandestine; and if you have ever captured my imagination at some point of time, it must have been because you were different. but i digress. what i wanted to say is that i revile most, the idea that behind every successful individual stands at least one selfless supporter, the unsung hero...and by societal convention, the wife, the parent. i speak for myself, i could never do it, not for society and not even for love; first because i love myself too much (and that i know is my downfall), and second because for me loving someone is not about supporting from behind, its about competing side by side, so intense you finally reach the heights of glory and passion. these are what makes it so difficult for me sometimes, but i'm sorry this is as honest as it gets. and i know, i think too strange.
* * *
i have become a darker person this year; but that does not mean my world has become darker, in fact i still get rainbows as and when.

the amsterdam attack 

and behind the scenes...?
i'll provide the key words: _____ cake, airport hospital, two hours, next flight. don't laugh okay, its no joke, but part of the amsterdam experience after all =T

conscious dreams 

we're heading to amsterdam from today to sunday. mushrooms anyone? =P

all the world will stop to watch you shine 

the boys are cooking dins, yes at this time. i have finally made my course choices for real, i'm doing EC315 International Economics, GV225 Public Choice & Politics, GV310 Democracy & Democratisation, AC100 Elements of Accounting & Finance, and dropping EC307 Development Economics cause the Econometrics was turning my world upside down. i will be playing all our BUSA league and ULU league rugby matches, but will continue training with quins on tuesdays and thurdays and hope for the best for the matches i can make. i am coping with christian union; sometimes i miss You but i know i've gotta straighten things out myself first. watkins is back from his year at france and we said long ago we'd dance together in the show this year, for him i wish i could but for rugby i can't and won't. i've had nosh with goose, darkwolf, bear, loh, drew, and will be seeing paul next week and wanna see tien(!) soon. gym schedule has been disrupted cos of a knackering thursday and the amsterdam weekend but i'll be back on track next week. tickets home for december have been signed and sealed. applications are due early.

i will give myself a chance to live well. what about you?

the world of men 

i was feeling match-starved since the last match until i realized that SIX of my club matches clash with my uni's london league matches on sundays. DANG.

don't hold back don't hold back don't hold back reach out
touch the sky with your mind's eye don't be afraid to reach out
some you win and some you lose and some will bring you sorrow
some are born to lead the rest and some are born to follow
don't rely on miracles to open any door
and don't let a shadow be your guide anymore

don't hold back don't hold back don't hold back reach out
touch the sky with your mind's eye don't be afraid to reach out
ride the wave of destiny rise above the crest
and believe everything that happens to you happens for the best
don't allow the world of men to turn your head no more
cause if you can't let yourself go what are you saving yourself for
*don't hold back by alan parsons project

heartsick 

the problem with free falling, is that, it is still falling.

when you asked me if i could manage both at a time, i didnt give that much thought. i must have been too naive. its the first day of michaelmas term and i already feel beleaguered.

you can't say what you want or take what you want or
choose the moods that you fake when you want
you said your life needed something special
which you don't have, yeah
*glad by tyler hilton

why not 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" -Marianne Williamson

harlequins 7 - 24 blackheath 

blackheath topped the league last year, but they werent frighteningly good this time; quins defended well to a 0-0 first half, and we opened the scoreboards with an intercept try and a conversion in the second half, before their tries came in fast and furious. gavin was disappointed, and very much so were we, we could have owned the game. and for me, even though i was superhappy to get taken off the bench to play as wing in the second half, regrettably, i count this the worst match ive ever played; and if i were to be harsh on myself, i would say i lost the match for quins =( disappointed yes, deeply, but i cant give up on me so i'll let myself off just this once. i'll take a shot at coming back hungrier, better, confident.

i learnt today that it is important to make the team, but selection should not be my foremost concern. i need to take a step back to work on my game first, because if i can become a better player, then everything else would fall into place isnt it? focus.
* * *
teammate asked me today 'why do you play rugby', i replied 'i have yet to unearth a better sport'. but what i really meant was, because nothing makes me happier, because it fires my imagination, because it blows my mind, because taking someone down thrills, because scoring gives the wildest feeling, because perfecting moves feels sublime, because its almost heaven. and if you feel what i feel, then you'd concur that we live for the rugby days, the rest are just the in-betweens.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS