gangstas paradise 

LSE 10 - 25 some machine college again 

as with every defeat, disappointment; but after all's been said with hannie and nazzie, there's notsomuch that we can do because rugby is a team sport. being one man down was never going to be easy, but i felt that we fought, well most of us at least, the weak links just need to stop being weak links.

sarah and myself scored a try apiece; sarah's was schweet because when i called her move out of the scrum i only expected her to make some ground for us on the blind but she found the line wahey, and myself, i was fed the chance off a schweet string of runs by N, M, S, K more than anything =) i hate losing but i still love matches because each one is an invaluable chance to learn, to try new things, and to be reminded of my sputtering fitness... =( moving players with your lines of run a la gavin, is thrilling, now lets see some results please.

battlescar count for the day: five-boot-stud bruise from being stepped on by machinebitch, okay not bitch it wasn't intentional, after being tackled (see below), bruised outside left ankle from tangling up with machinegirl's boot after tackling her, swollen inside right ankle from sidestepping on hard patch at full speed; only discovered the monster ankle after coming home from the night out, not good at all. gotta get some ice ice baby.

fat and ugly. perfect.

the R word 

sometimes we stand too close to something to be able to see what is going on in its full shining glory; and what we really need is to take a little step back every now and then to rediscover its beauty in its entirety, to lose it for a little while so that we realize how much this thing has meant and still means to us.

in my wildest dreams, there will come a day when i can call up every person who has backed me on this to tell them three words - i made it. but first, let me learn to deal with the doubts, defeats, and disappointments of the real world.
* * *
i am sick and tired of fighting to reach you. and in the end, i could just wait at your doorstep if i really wanted to, the fact that i don't is perhaps the power of selflove.

wake up call 

there goes my faith swinging by the cherry tree
i rest my eyes i need some sleep
slow wins the race but i'm always rushing
trying to escape the monster i've become
some days i try and others just pass on by
a mountain so high that i must climb
*tortoise and the hare by waking ashland

today i learnt that 570 pounds cannot buy me one month of happiness; that good times are sweet played backwards but not forwards; that sometimes we need someone else to make the difficult decisions for us simply because we are not wise or brave or willing enough; that i have never and will never win a fight against You, that i stand up from a fall real quick because i am too proud to let anyone see me down and defeated; that independence is my defence; that i should not, must not and will not expect anything from anyone but myself; that perserverance pays because i only found what i wanted after going into the shop for the third time; that life is harsh but it goes on.

why Sir 

chesham postponed on us, just like that, just now. so all i really did was travel across zones 1-2-3-4-5-6-A-B-C-D-C-B-A-6-5-4-3-2-1 for three hours on a glorious sunday morning, alright not glorious, inclement. but that's okay you know, what's not is being handed the number 11 shirt only to have it taken from you before you even get to touch the field and take the chance. and i don't know what to say or do after the unwanted adventure of this morning but to sit on my bed and stare at my stupid essay with a bigfatsulk on my face.

so this is how it feels.

please just go away.

two wrongs don't make a right 

"It's not about you being good all the time so that God will be happy with you. It's about you and God working as a team to work out those difficult issues". -Nicholas, Kensington Temple

somebody told me that You would wash all my sins
and cleanse me for the scars that are so deep within
so i'm calling to You if You can hear me i don't know how
i was wondering can You hold me now

to every broken person that may hear this song
to every boy or girl that feels their smile is gone
i know exactly how it feels to lay in the bed at night and cry and cry
don't you worry God is faithful and He cares
about the tears you drop and the pain you feel
when you are weak that's when he's strong
even though you don't know how God can and He will hold you now

"As long as you want to be on His side, He will be on your side, always".
* * *
i stumbled upon two postcards i wrote to you, on a warm summer night in caen, normandy. it surprised me, a little, to realize that i still mean the words i wrote then. it's just that i cannot have it my way all the time, and it's been difficult to turn back because walking on suddenly became the easy way out. sometimes the worst thing about making a mistake is not the price you pay, but the price someone else pays for you as well.

mr. brightside 

i need to start, finish, and ace my last essay of the term this weekend. the past week has been too much of an academic standstill and i still haven't been able to get my intellectual muscles flexing. but i have to, cause look what's coming up in the last 2 weeks of term...(!)

26 nov: Quins match against Chesham
29 nov: LSE match against IC
29 nov: Athletics Union carol party
30 nov: Christian Union carol service
30 nov: Singsoc party at Yatra Club
02 dec: Quins friendly against Rosslyn Park
06 dec: LSE match against UCL
08 dec: Bird-day dinner with goose at Ping Pong
10 dec: Quins match against Hove

excited? =D

hate maul love ruck 

this is my game, and if you want to play you play according to my rules. do not for a second be deluded into thinking that you can win my game with your lovely lies and the flipping fibs of the people you call your friends. because if you even dare try, i will declare it game over and burn everything behind me, just like that. no love lost.

relight my fire 

i opened my eyes this morning feeling like i had woken up on a morning in week one; and all i could do was pull the covers over my face and hug myself back to sleep. but thank you, my buddy, for staying on this ride even after i have harshly had to pull the magic carpet from under our feet. i'm looking forward to seeing you, you mean-ass =)

this term has gone by beautifully; it's only 2.5 weeks left to go, please don't let this crumble into the tears and rain michaelmas term of last year.

sorry. 

please don't cry you know i'm leaving here tonight
before i go i want you to know that there will always be a light

and if the moon had to runaway
and all the stars didn't wanna play
don't waste the sun on a rainy day
the wind will soon blow it all away

so many times i planned to be much more than who i am
and if i let you down i will follow you round until you understand

that if the moon had to runaway
and all the stars didn't wanna play
don't waste the sun on a rainy day
the wind will soon blow it all away

when the days all feel the same
don't feel the cold or wind or rain
everything will be okay
we will meet again one day
and i will shine on for everyone

so please don't cry although i leave you here this night
where i go how far i don't know but i will always be your light
*shine on by jet

everything is fucked up 

the irish scored a stunning second try against the wallabies enroute to their 21-6 win this rainsoaked evening; the commentator mentioned that flyhalf o'gara simply performed what he had learnt well as a boy, to chase his pass. it's a great reminder that every great player starts off as an aspiring kid perfecting little things like you and me.
* * *
what the hell is wrong with QM, can we forglorysake get on with the match on wednesday instead of stealing another glorious sunday for the thang.

i hate mopping up all your fucking stupid mess. FUME.

love actually 

'And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.'
-1 Corinthians 10:13b

He gave me chances, waited for me to find my way home. but i have proven profoundly unable and unwilling to do so, because time and again i have failed to do the right things, even in times when doing so would have cost nothing. well i have left Him with no choice but to intervene, to my pain but for my good. we all like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but whose reason? mine? yours? His. she said that "God will not shortchange you (me)", i can only hope that she's right. my dreams are too big for myself to bear.

and i will trust in You alone
and i will trust in You alone
for Your endless mercy follows me
Your goodness will lead me home

before there was london 

starring roles in their own tragedies 

wow weekend, ironically, so far. spent the afternoon with nazzie and hannie at the pub watching the roses whip up an admittedly undeserving win over the boks in a test match. oohing over beautiful runs (and cute refs) and aahing over stupid mistakes (and pot bellies), was duperfun.

but why is there NO training tomorrow?! on the rare sunday i am free everyone is being a shitterbuggger (and cheaterbugger!).

anyway...friday night was the long awaited pentoville road night out with pretty horse =D fun fact #1, we had vodka jelly out of a ziplock bag while queuing. fun fact #2, we got in for free on the dot of eleven even though the tube made me half an hour late. fun fact #3, they played my (our?) favourite song not once but twice. fun fact #4, skinny tie is still quite the in thing hey. not so fun fact #5, the club was full of fat desperate girls and ugly nakid boys. fun fact #6, pretty horse filled in the role of my mum and cooked me soup with noodle and chicken and vege when we got home. fun fact #7, guess who's still got the best bed in all three years.

share the love 

i'm not named for the lakenham match on sunday. sighsigh. lakenham are a good team and this says i'm not good enough =( yet. but as i said, i'll do my part and work on my play and gav will take care of the rest, i trust him. chances will come from hard work, not just favour. You on my side? only when i finally stop breaking my promises to You i suppose.

the cold and wind and rain don't know
they only seem to come and go away
stand by me nobody knows the way it's gonna be
stand by me nobody knows the way it's gonna be

if you're leaving will you take me with you
i'm tired of talking on my phone
there is one thing i can never give you
my heart can never be your home
*stand by me by oasis

i just realized, i've never been not selected before. this is S-H-I-T-E.

LSE 15 - 5 some machine college 

we won(!) but we're meeting the same team again in a fortnight in another league so we had better work our guts off to own the next match as well. wahey my try target is finally underway after running a damn desperate curve towards the white line (you know like money minded people have dollar-signs on their eyeballs, mine have rugby balls instead), hannah ran in the next try, and laura drove the third over, schweet. but scoring comes at a heavy price, for me at least, and now its over to me to honour it.

could-have-played-better, it's always like that. there was one play where i scooped the ball and passed it into no man's hands or in other words the gaping hole between 3 and 12; should have stabbed myself for doing something so stupid and ugly, ugh. fitness, or lack of, too has been catching up on me fast and furious, clearly 5km runs under 25mins are not enough to get me fit to be at every ball for the full eighty minutes, who am i kidding man. how can i want the ball if i'm not there to want it?

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do". -Goethe


"my rugby pal"

newfound longlost 

babyshambles 

i am not the person you imagined me to be, i am too independent for anyone's good, i'm sorry. and because of that i have to save you from myself before it is too late, i'm sorry as well. i still want to keep the dreams, but i have no right to.
* * *
it is through training out in the biting cold that i learnt to put into training what i want to get out of it. each time i step into the field in blinking darkness to help set up the floodlights, i remind myself that if i am going to freeze my sorry ass off, i'd better work that ass off and make it count. it doesn't always work this way, but when it does, every run, tackle, pass, and try feels like sunshine on a winternight, schweet. when every day is a painful reminder of the one thing i want the most but cannot have (yet), the only thing i can do is to ace the warmup round so that when my chance comes, i will blitz, i will burn.

match tomorrow =D first time skipping school this term, geek is the new cool.

set apart for You 

it's mighty different organizing (and cooking for) a retreat for forty people, and attending one as i had in the past two years. i screwed up in many ways, and you know how much i cannot stand screwing up. but we stuck tight, and roughed it out. i think we all learnt to make decisions, and to stand for the ones we make.

i prayed. i said to Him i'm sorry that i've made an honest mistake, and the worst thing is, i'm sorry i cannot even promise that i will be able to say an honest goodbye to all this. i prayed for very long, but that was all i could say at that moment.


dear azuki bean, thank you for being real, for being there, for good times and bad times, and for friendship that does not judge. dear angel, it's God's way of blessing me with you over again; thank you for honest questions like 'were you sleeping' and 'are you jealous', you know me so well and teach me so much.
* * *
and don't let them know that they have won
and when you walk walk with pride
and don't show the hurt inside
because the pain will soon be gone

cause when you dream it might come true
but when you dream, dream big

i'm proud of you girl, now, live your dream.

and all i want to be is too much sometimes 

i've got a feeling, God doesn't want to carry me out of this maze, He wants me to find the way out by myself, with the help of the compass He has placed in my hands.

between an overload of information
and a striving for a pure dedication
i find myself looking for the exit sign
*good morning baby by bic runga

we'll be away at god-knows-where oakwood youth centre this weekend for a time with Him, worship, fellowship, discipleship, and hopefully some rugs(!) with the muddy ball. bingo and i are doing the food, which is so not a good idea =D pray!

freedom house 

in my Democracy and Democratization class, we have a kid each from philippines, india, russia, usa, pakistan, egypt, singapore, and three british blokes. i am not in a good position to discuss what we discussed here (and that says alot); but suffice to say, russian kid and i got into a good heated argument.

it's times like these that remind me why i wanted to be here.

//edit:
i met russian kid in econ class i was attending just for today. we spoke normal, hoh.

in honesty 

it's been a while
since we had reason left to smile

happy birthday alien. love, ninja.

hello sunshine come into my life
*hello sunshine by super furry animals

one night to speed up truth 

last night, good training session under cookie in the absence of gav.
1. two-touch game to train support play
2. fijian touch game to train depth and switches
3. ruck-latch-deck-'magpie'-'tiger' drill

learning curve on the steep. i like.

but for now i need sleep -_-

you are what you eat 

one more essay down. and i'm left to wonder where my weekend went, cause on saturday i started banging on my laptop at 9am and the next thing i knew it was already sunday 2am and all had was a bag of chips, eight cubes of milka, a plate of biscuits with cream cheese, a box of thai noodles, and two cups of milo in my tums, and only 2000 out of 3000 words to my name. it's that scary. well, at least i read something good over my non-existent weekend.

i rewarded myself by going to covent garden after handing in the essay today, guess i forgot that rewards must involve money too. i want the roxy jacket and david & goliath and paul frank and superdry tops neh. * * *
what's the point of running a perfect race when it is always at the crucial moment that you fall short?

harlequins 0 - 12 london welsh 

what was stuck in my mind after the match was how apart from raging with the welshies on the field, i was also raging with God in my heart, to give us a win, a try. it sometimes puzzles me how a team given this repertoire of players, coaches, and training programs is unable to translate owning the game to winning the game. it also puzzles me how i have lost more matches than won; even though thats what everyone says about themselves as well, it can't be that everyone keeps losing too cause surely the walrus law has to exist somewhere to match each loss with a win. oh well. and although they won, i still don't doubt that quins was the best place personally for me to develop as a player, and although we lost, i don't feel that losing compromises this development, because after all, quins is not my final destination.

scarcity. 

so i'm listening for the weather to predict the coming day
leave all thought of expectation to the weather man
no it doesn't really matter what it is he has to say
cause tomorrows keep on blowing in from somewhere

all the people that i know in the apartments down below
busy with their starring roles in their own tragedies

sunlight sends you on your way
and those restless thoughts that cling to yesterday
never be afraid of change i'll call you on the phone
i hate to leave you on your own
but i'm coming home today

and this busy inner city has got nothing much to say
and i know how much you're hanging round the letterbox
and i'm sure that as i'm writing you'll be somewhere on your way
in a supermarket checkout or the restaurant

i've been doing what i'm told i've been busy growing old
and the days are getting cold but that's alright with me

sunlight sends you on your way
and those restless thoughts that cling to yesterday
never be afraid of change i'll call you on the phone
i hate to leave you on your own
but i'm coming home today
yes i'm coming home today
*listening for the weather by bic runga

cold play 

its so fracking 4 degree celcius cold i don't wanna play rugby anymore. just kidding.

i'm named on the bench on sunday for our match against london welsh (the club i ditched for quins). playing would be / is always good, but i've got a make-or-break 3000 word essay due on monday. and that means i gotta work damn hard, from now.

get over it 

i had forgotten what a good night out feels like, in my neverending pursuit of rugby, applications, and acadamia, but team dinner finally came along and dragged me out of my self imposed social exile. i had a blast =D from a mandatory curry and wine(!) dinner at bricklane, to cabbing it down to the tuns to make our pressence known, to walking it up to walkabout for some skanky danceabout, we had a blast and lotsa laughs hey. i heart this team, muchos; and i'll even make exceptions as long as we're off the field, hee. but the next morning always promises to be so another story. there's something morbid about waking up still shitfaced, eyeing the pile of clothes lying around as sorry reminder of the pile of work still undone from the night before.


right in the middle is our babe ivy, whom i poisoned to tears by yelling 'get over it' at everything she said over and over over dins. but she did get back into her outrageous guyloving americano self in good time; which was lucky, else there'll be no chance that she'll pop me a nice ball out of our lineout ever again =D hee.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS