2006 

was for the lack of a better word, wild. the striking thing is that the year was neatly divided into pre-june and post-june, the former i strangely cannot recall much of, and the latter i concede must have been one wild ride into adulthood characterized by rugby, rebellion and rashes (haha). here's what defined my 2006...

i / we lost a dear friend.
i revived a long lost dream.
i moved into a new apartment with the boys.
i embarked on a gym regime.
i embarked on an anti-carb campaign.
i joined a rugby club in london.
i missed the inaugural blacks midnight 7s.
i swigged and cigged through summer in london.
i tried to find myself and lived the life of queens.
i met someone who could make me cry.
i was caught in a protracted struggle with Him.
i obssessed over oddshape life.
* * *
today i feel like weeping and i have no reason to give.
today your email made my heart break into a smile.
today i received four invites for the first time in years.
i chose family because i wanted to feel safe stepping into the future i fear with all my blood, and i can't tell you why.

tomorrow it will be 2007.

black hole 

i picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
and falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
and being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
and trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

may god's love be with you always
may god's love be with you

i know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
but i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
i picture you fast asleep a nightmare comes you can't keep awake

may god's love be with you always
may god's love be with you
cause if i find if i find my own way how much will i find
if i find if i find my own way how much will i find you

i don't know anymore what it's for i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun will you help me to understand
cause i've been caught in between all i wish for and all i need
maybe you're not even sure what it's for any more than me

may god's love be with you always
may god's love be with you
*in the sun by joseph arthur

in one fell swoop, i threw in the towel, i waved the white flag, i gave up. because all that this really is, is an endless black hole; a black hole in which we jump/fall into only to stumble upon other lovely little lost souls, a black hole in which the plunge is so fast and heartstopping we instinctively cling on to the first hand we meet, a black hole in which it is only natural to fall into one arm after another with the centrifugal force that directs our flagrant behaviour as the perfect excuse, a black hole in which it is easy to slash and burn one another because it is too dark for anyone to see the wounds - the same way it is easy to lie because it is too dark for anyone to see the guilt in our eyes, a black hole in which we find ourselves freefalling past lovely soul after lovely soul unable to hold out our hearts fast enough to beat the pull of gravity, a black hole in which there will be no salvation.

may 2007 be solid, not fluid, like black holes.

who do you think i am 

i want to muster up all the expletives in my vocabulary and yell them at you one by one. except that you are not worth it.

one more song 

as of last night, i owe mariLYN one drink and one umbrella. ps, whothehell is mariLYN?! HEE.
* * *
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

because of you i tried my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid
*because of you by kelly clarkson

do not make me offers i cannot resist. do not give me something i cannot keep. do not, please do not f-cking make use of me. respect once lost will not be easily earned back, and i have yet to extend you that privilege.

once again there are good things waiting for me and i am still tripping up over the bad ones. welcome to my world.

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did you fell so hard
i learned the hard way to never let it get that far

the unbearable lightness of being 

The only relationship that can make...happy is one in which sentimentality has no place and neither partner makes any claim on the life and freedom of the other. xHe had spent seven years of his life with Tereza, and now he realized that those years were more attractive in retrospect than they were when he was living them. His love for Tereza was beautiful, but it was also tiring: he had constantly had to hide things from her, sham, dissemble, make amends, buck her up, calm her down, give her evidence of his feelings, play the defendent to her jealousy, her suffering, and her dreams, feel guilty, make excuses and apologies. Now what was tiring had disappeared and only the beauty remained. xBeing a woman is a fate Sabina did not choose. What we have not chosen we cannot consider either our merit or our failure. Sabina believed that she had to assume the correct attitude to her unchosen fate. To rebel against being born a woman seemed as foolish to her as to take pride in it.
-from The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

this is one hell a revelation of a book. the favourites list now reads:
1. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
2. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
3. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
4. Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides
5. The Dreamers by Gilbert Adair

blood as red as wine 

some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
i say love it is a flower and you it's only seed

it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
it's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose
*the rose by bette midler

i wish i could tell you how much i miss you. but i really shouldn't, tell you nor miss you.

wassup bee 

i believe in christmas, i just don't believe in the christmas magic or spirit or whatever you like to call it. but anyways, merry christmas everyone.
* * *
i would like to think that every family is dsyfunctional. there are many things that parents want to do for their children, but which children can do for themselves, and the very things which children can't, parents do not see. i am not even asking you to pay for my education, so could you please...
* * *

a razor that leaves your soul to bleed 

too gutless to say i miss you; and 'you' is not even a person.
* * *
too proud to say the words i mean.
too cold to mean the words i say.
too weak to forget the tenderness.
too strong to forgive the callousness.
too cynical to watch love actually.

my best weapon will be mine in 18 days. till that day comes, leave me to savour the pain, lick the wounds, sip the blood. just don't force me to extend the self-torture to you as well.

in the mood for food 

here's to:
"more friend than family, yet more family than friend" =)


hummingbird cupcakes
portobello market, london


cafe nero coffee
westminster, london


french macaroons
apartcity hostel, normandy


ben and jerry's ice cream
vivocity, singapore

dos reinas 

cube cube cube cube cube.

the song that didn't play.

old fat b____ magnet.

unfinished business.

fun.

it's everywhere 

covent garden comes to singapore =P whey look what i chanced upon when i went to get my still-injured-wrist-from-farmer-match sinseh-ed up. well actually my sinseh has moved, but you can find this post office branch on the street opposite zouk. fun.


* * *
time to be a good girl and pass on zouk wednesday. i am staying home this time because... 1. i need to wake early to jog with fungus (just please please please don't rain down on us), 2. my wrist is in a bandage, 3. my skin is blooming out in hives for reasons i can't conjure. bah, go away you ugly lumps.

maybe thursday. maybe not.

chew laugh rain forget 

the sky's been weeping rain like a sad eyed puppy. but i choose to like yesterday.

i had the company of rara and xinxin, for the first time in a year (disregarding last thursie), for lunch at holland v. my girls, if good things are worth waiting for, i'd gladly wait another year all over... but for now i guess one week is all i've gotta wait to see you two again =)

i had the company of mojo, for the first time in twoandaquarter years, for dins at gardens. took us quite long to get here, but we're still the same, we both wanna be special. wink.

i had the company of alien, for the first time in five days, for supper at gardens. athough you were the only one yesterday who did not hold an umbrella over my head, i forgive you, because you gave me cute christmas card, ha-ha. be good in the lipbiting cold of newyawknewyawk-losangeles-saaanfraaan with the boys and i'll catch you in the hopefully notsolipbiting cold of londie!

on normal days i find sleep at four or five in the morning. right now i have two cuppas coffeey cruising through my veins, what time are you coming to get me sleepamonster?
* * *
happy birthday dad!

game over 

you know me i used to get caught up in everyday life
tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
tried to figure out my way through the maze of rights and wrongs
but like you used to say nothing feels like it's really worth it
forget perfect i'm trying not to be worthless
since i last saw you i been looking for a purpose
*slip out the back by fort minor

play with fire, get bleeding burnt; and perhaps this same fire will burn all the bridges down as well. i do not believe that i deserve to feel pain from the lack of trust from you and the absence of respect from you. let this godamned thing go up in colourful little tragic flames.

draw blood 

last night it all kinda spiralled out of control; the thoughts in my head felt fear, smelt tears. and then as i laid still in bed, i remembered the msn conversation we had a few hours back. i recalled the things that kept me grounded in the other city, the anchors that kept me from stormy seas, and that life was good and simple with a single minded goal that guarded every decision i made, and that the airyfairy floatyboaty life i returned to in this comfortable but staid city was not one i needed nor what you would have wanted for me.

she said some days i feel like shit
some days i wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
i don't understand why you have to always be gone

i'm doing fine i plan to keep it that way
you can call me if you find you have something to say
and i'll tell you i want you to know it's a little fucked up
*where'd you go by fort minor
* * *
this week will be intense, like the last. lunch with mariberries, lunch with strawberry and durian, dins with mojo, supper with alien, dad's birthday dins, east coast jog with fungus, dins with yier and jasmine, vivo with gayda, and in the pipeline are clubclubshallwe and funnypiemeal, and here comes christmas weekend. but still no oddshapeballing, shame =(

the company 

how can it be that i feel like i have everything and yet nothing at the same time.

i have crossed more lines than i should, and the transitory context of every trip home is neither prerogative nor excuse. and, twentyone was not supposed to be like this. twentyone requires me to strain towards the right things and forget the wrong ones. no mistakes.

how i wish i could surrender my soul
shed the clothes that become my skin
see the liar that burns within my needing
how i wish i'd chosen darkness from cold
how i wish i had screamed out loud
instead i've found no meaning

i guess it's time i run far far away find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same it just keeps me from trouble
hides my true shape like dorian gray
i've heard what they say but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words it's just tears and rain

how i wish i could walk through the doors of my mind
hold memory close at hand
help me understand the years
how i wish i could choose between heaven and hell
how i wish i would save my soul
i'm so cold from fear

i guess it's time i run far far away find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same it just keeps me from trouble
hides my true shape like dorian gray
i've heard what they say but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words it's just tears and rain
*tears and rain by james blunt

S for s and W for w? bollocks.

twenty one 

twenty one and strong as i can be
i know what freedom means to me
and i can't give the reason why
i should ever want to die
*twenty one by eagles

thank you dad, mum, grandma, uncles, aunts, cousins for dinner at paddyfields.

thank you sarah, meiling, xinyan, justin, dennis for dinner at giraffe and champagne and two cakes (42 candles?!) and six cupcakes.

thank you all for text messages at the stroke of midnight on the 14th.

thank you all for text messages all the way from london; even if some of them did not get sent and you had to resort to email.

thank you all for messages on msn and facebook and friendster.

thank you all for two crazy clubbing nights. only 10 shots...

thank you for the ecard, you remembered.

thank you for the chicks rule top, the ticket for the france-wales 6 nations match at the stade de france, the rugby ball, the precious moments figurine, the powerpuff girls poster, the handmade photocard, the handmade photoframe, the six handbaked cupcakes, the respect me top, the handmade photobook, the hand drawn jigsaw, and all the money, lol. more to come? =D

forbidden city 

i) qatarair is fabulous, and i am not trying to be funny.

ii) remy ong and the asian gamers were on our flight.

iii) sushi rocks my socks and floats my boat.

iv) someone remind me what did i come back for.

v) singapore reminds me of too many things.

niji. 

we'll always be together however far it seems
we'll always be together together in electric dreams

because the friendship that you gave
has taught me to be brave
no matter where i go i'll never find a better prize
though you're miles and miles away
i see you every day i don't have to try
i just close my eyes i close my eyes

we'll always be together however far it seems
we'll always be together together in electric dreams
*electric dreams by human league

monster's ball 

i am sick of pretending to be as nice, as kind, as concerned, as sensitive, as noble, as gracious, as sociable, as interested, as happyclappy as everyone else. i am sick of people, they are too complicated and all over my bloody life. i am sick of myself, defiant to the core and only willing to do things on my own bloody terms.

don't be too good to me cause i probably won't match up.
* * *
fine i am fine already, gym makes me happy.

chicks rule 

thank you for a great night to mark the end of term; for accompanying me on the chocolate, jam, and cake hunt at harrods; for dimsum at ping pong, coffee at starbucks, 'casino royale' at whiteleys odeon; for saving me with your credit card and your crisp five pound bill, and even for getting us on the wrong train and in the wrong cinema, hehehe. thank you that some things never change =)


"Whatever challenges life throws at you, be sure to take it down with a crunching tackle!" SG, my greedy goose; i can't say for sure that i'll always be able to, but i'll definitely try.

third time lucky 

9 rugby matches
5 applications
4 club nights
3 essays
2 tries
2 trips
2 movies
1 hospital stay
1 presentation
1 musical

michaelmas term 2006 has been my best one so far. there have of course been bad parts when matches were cancelled, trainings were unproductive, play was disappointing, friends were untruthful, hearts were broken, schedules were demanding, but in everything i did, i knew exactly what i wanted and went for it. the path back to Him has been difficult, painful, and hesitant, but His sovereignty and faithfulness have graced my struggle. and at the end of the ten meaningful weeks, i am happy to look back and say that i have made friends, kept faith, worked hard, breathed rugby, lived well.

this term i thank God for...

HC, my rugbypal. you came into my life at a time where i needed to grow as a person, a christian, a player, and you showed me how. i cannot put in words how wonderful it feels, after two years, to finally play alongside someone i can trust with all my heart to look out for me and to pick me up on the field. the chia family has truly blessed me twice over =)

GB, my fighter girl. i have seen your passion on the netball court, but the commitment, courage, and cheer you have demonstrated on the rugby field has humbled me and taught me so many things. it's been so much fun, everything.

YT, my exercise partner. even though i look like the sort who would love to spend my lazy saturday mornings in bed, from the bottom of my heart, i really treasure the jogs we've taken together along the thames and talking about our lives along the way. yes, i am really happy to have gotten to know you as well, but can i not give netball the credit? haha.

MK, my darkwolf. still my constant in a cruel world, still my thursday lunch date, still my most frequent match supporter, still my favourite writer, what more can i say.

CL, my accountability partner. although i have not seen you as often as i would have liked to, you have blessed me with a listening ear and honest words even though those might not have been what i wanted to hear. let's stay on the good path together.

JC, my training partner. you're still the one i call first after every rugby match, good or bad, boasty or bruised. and i want to thank you for being there for me, for reminding me to cling on to my dreams, and for understanding me inside out.

JT, my sideways hug. i think we've had a...pretty...good...term. yeah?

such great heights 

to keep things simple; if you would like to show your love for me by giving me a present, please give me something rugby related. i promise you that would surely make me happy, thankyouverymuch.
* * *
i feel sad today. the return of the aching void morning. please don't tell me there will be no oddshapedballing for me for one bloody month.

LSE 0 - 43 euston technical college 

last match of the term...against unbeaten u c l no less. i love my team, but all i can say is that how you train is how you play; you want to win, start training like a team first. i've long accepted that different people want different things in life, but when your team needs you, is that not good enough a reason. and also, if we don't start playing the right people in the right positions, we're not going to get anywhere either. anyone can see that.

but still, heads up to the flashes of brilliance today =) hanniechia is my man of the match for those big tackles and big runs, and who would forget, that try saving flick of an arm, legend; meggiecorpus for the customary big hits and well worked beef-ball; kimmiejames for fighting tooth and nail for every ball; heathiehemmingmoore for being my everpresent silent warrior; kommiepatel for the big leap of improvement; nazziebaig for propping up the team depsite being one eye and one knee down. and not forgetting SH, RW, RA, IL. respect.

personally, this was not the big match i had hoped for. as luck would have it, my right ankle was well destroyed within 10 minutes of kickoff when SH fell on it. i spent the first half of the match wincing around (and letting in a scrummie try), and the second half sidestepping into walls in vain, but things did pick up towards the end. well now, time to go home get an xray, consult a chiropractor, rest and rehabilitate, and get ready to blaze next year's matches.

darkwolf, thanks for coming, it meant loads to me =) and i'm sorry i haven't been able to make good on our a-try-for-a-flash deal yet. i suddenly realized why you haven't watched any of my dance concerts since uni, that's cause there's something else more important to watch now, my rugby matches.


congrats tieny =) my teammate commented that it was an honour to play a team with such fine sportsmanship. happy...? ps: it was good to see you again =)

the pretenders 

if i could fork out 95 pounds to buy me one day, i would; if i could cut four classes in exchange for two days, i would; but the voice on the other end of the receiver could only say i couldn't. and so the number twelve comes back to haunt me again, this time mocking the irony of so near and yet so far that marks my return.
* * *

friend. 

you're gonna hate me when i tell you everything
you're gonna question whether you really know me at all
you will revisit every smile and where it fit into the day
i know this is how it will play
and i try oh i try to think of all the things
that i could do to let you know that i love you

i was not looking to do you wrong
was not looking for a change of scenery
don't remember where or when or how i did
but i'm hoping you'll forgive me
and i try oh i try to think of all the things
that i could do to let you know that i love you

do you remember how we'd run in the summertime
do you remember how we'd run in the summertime
*even so by rachael yamagata

harlequins 5 - 17 rosslyn park 

we played rosslyn park, who play in a league above us, 13 against 15; in a field that was really a bog that sucked our legs in with each step made especially on the downward sloping side. our white shorts turned dark brown. so did our fresh jerseys and JE's pretty face. we played that match as a practice friendly rather than a scoring friendly, that and the shitty (literally) conditions, made it one laboured, back-to-basics, down-and-dirty game of rugby. oh but KR's cruching try-saving tackle was magnificent, truly magnificent.

i had a forgettable match, admittedly because my ankle was still rebelling in my boot and i felt this one was not worth risking. worse still, i got into a nasty head on collision with a girl loaned from the other team to play for us; worse worse still, as part of initiation i had to down a pint of guinness on behalf of our back of the match couldn't drink as she was driving later. not surprisingly, i came home in such a bad shape i just slept for five hours straight.

conversation with our physio eugene while he was taping my ankle before the match.
E: what's that bruise you have there?
Y: oh i got stepped on...
E: by WHAT?
Y: erm, a girl.

heybitchgetoutoftheway 

i take back my harsh words and rolled eyes for the night, cept for a particular NOYOUCANNOT nerd who for one obviously doesn't know how to do her job and for two is so loser nobody knows who i am talking about when i get the bitching on. other than that, nice night out lohy, you were a good girlie for the night so well done =D

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS