LSE 20 - 19 another medical college 

a dramatic win for the team. after going behind twice in both halves, sarah and rachel w. each pulled one back for us, before hannah whipped up the two winning tries to sneak us a point ahead of the girls in blue by the final whistle, absolutely amazing. it was hard fought by everyone, and what makes this game as thrilling as it is beautiful is that every team has a chance to reach these moments of magic, if we fight hard enough.

my heart is ready, my mind needs to buck up and my body needs to match up. today i played a draw-and-pass game on my part but i missed out on those dizzying runs, today i made some mistakes but i shouldn't have allowed myself to be intimidated by their saracens scrumhalf, and today i thought about trap player consciously but i failed to put it into action. i have found my heart again and it is here to stay, so come on me, i am getting desperate. positive inspired desperation, not negative self-destructive desperation =)

i didn't believe, but miracles like a winning try in six minutes do happen.

iceing the nose with ice cream. hannie, you should try this on your ankle instead of nazzie's green peas idea!

hello stranger 

i don't know why, and i won't seek further, but yesterday's conversation felt strangely good. there's something about you that makes me want to be strong and steady as steel and the best i can be.there's something about you that makes me dream up wonders all over again. there's something about you that i hate to love and love to hate. but i know this is as good as it gets hey, so i am just going to say thank you, i am happy that you appeared in my life, though you never really crossed the line of stranger, for better or for worse. and my words, they come without emotion or expectation. for better. just pure and raw, from me to you.

the power of a moment the power of a moment
i get so distracted by my bigger schemes
show me the importance of the simple things
like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
*power of a moment by chris rice

valencia vocks 

goose and chick flew to valencia over the weekend =D over those two days, we came up with the spanish version of the english pub crawl, our very own shop crawl and cafe crawl. we all know about the wonders of zara in spain, but what about zara in spain during a sale... blazers for 10euros anyone =D =D and of course, another shirt to add to my collection; while goose later tried to buy the whole of springfield, well almost ha-ha. when the shops shut on us we spent our time chowing on paella with chicken and rabbit meat, horchatta and chocolate con churros, a tapas selection of bravas, tortilla, sepia, an egg-bacon-mushroom dish,and pizza and cornonas.not forgetting our mandatory visit to the museo de belles artes at the very end. and we did it all without swollen-palms-and-feet syndrome, wahey wahey =D =D =D


the seven heavens of bilbao, calella, barcelona, madrid, malaga, seville, valencia all done. and still, always my favourite, spain.

to do list 

1. catch manchester united at old trafford
2. catch women's 6 nations at twickenham
3. watch damien rice live in concert
4. travel to moscow
5. attend a lse public lecture (geek.)

maybe this is a way of coping with another disastrous training session in which coach didn't turn up, both manual floodlights broke down, and we ran all of one lap round the randomly snowed over grounds in subzero temperatures till our cheeks and ears burnt bright red. there was once a time during summer pre-season training where there were so many of us we could play a game of 15s with numbers to spare. it's a silly thing to miss but i do.

who am i supposed to tell this to who would make me feel okay. just okay will do.

blue's the colour, not 

on the first bittercold night of the winter, 7 boys (ha-ha) shuffled down to stamford bridge to catch the carling cup semifinal match between chelsea and wycombe wanderers. schevchy and superfrank scored two a piece to secure a scrappy victory with the visitors unable to find an answer apart from a couple of near misses. the worst thing actually, was that we had to stand for the whole 90 minutes because all the blues fans in our stand were intent on standing and singing their crass songs right till the very end.


what i would really like, is to go back to old trafford. the last and only time i was there, lille held us to a goaless draw, now surely that is unfinished business.

sequester my heart 

moment of madness 

i f-ing hate you and you know why, you want to know why, you make me feel so shit about myself. you tell me how awful this predicament feels but you know what, i've been in it for two and a half years and no, time does not salve the wound, time hooks to the raw open laceration and drags me along with each skip of the second hand. and your fears, you fear to relinquish the badge i never even had the chance to wear on my sleeve, you don't know how that feels, and i am telling you each time you ask of me to allay those fears of yours, the feeling stings twice as intense. you can stake your claims on me, i give you full credit for driving me up those dizzying heights, but i have fallen facedown from up there as well. and i want you to know that i am content to see you always on higher ground, but it is when you whinge about the view from up there that makes me aboslutely arsed about my own position. you are not a person of details, so please do not look at my life through rose tinted glasses. you don't know me beyond the person i am when i am at my best, because you have never seen me when i was bleeding, or drugged up, or rashed over, i never let you in to that side of me. and i never told you that i am close to giving up because it is beginning to look like i might never make it there after all.

truth is, i do not actually f-ing hate you, but i do still feel pretty darn shit.

crash 

thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon
but something happens don't see it coming
now you can't stop yourself now you're out there swimming
in the deep, in the deep

life keeps tumbling your heart in circles till you let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off now you're out there spinning
in the deep, in the deep

and the silence or your secrets well raise a worry hand
well you can pin yourself back together
to who you thought you were now you're out there living
in the deep, in the deep, in the deep, in the deep
*in the deep by bird york

LSE 15 - 15 strand poly 

they said we had a good game today, i'd say that the game was good not because of how the team played today but because of what it meant for the future, it's about time we had 15 players playing where they should be playing. hannah scored a brace off some good shipping out and good whipping runs, and sarah got her mighty center boschthrough try again, well done girlies. one week to rest up, shape up, and dizzy up QM and SG.

i don't really know what to do about myself with my learning curve flattening out so dangerously, i guess i have to continue to want it with all my blood, and start playing quins matches again soon, and of course work on catching those balls off the lineout, bloody hell those were shameful today. but seriously, would that be remotely enough?

do that shit, do that shit...

dear candice 

there must be more than this 

'Woe to the rebellious children, says the Lord, who take counsel but not of Me, and who devise plans but not of My Spirit, that they may add sin to sin.

In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength. But you would not, and you said, “No, for we will flee on horses”. Therefore you shall flee. And, “We will ride on swift horses”. Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift. One thousand shall flee at the threat of one, at the threat of five you shall flee, till you are left as a pole on top of a mountain and as a banner on a hill. Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all those who wait for Him.

Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it" whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left.'
-Isaiah 30:1,15-18,21

i am sorry that i sold myself to the world, that i sold myself short and for so little, so cheap; that i revealed my weakness to the enemy, that i revealed my secret for the enemy to attack me with. i have said that i will try to make things right this year, it is never easy, and all the trying i have done has been imperfect, but i'm trying. i don't care what they think about me,my life,and one day i will be able to say i don't care about them,their lives,as well. i am sorry for all the wrong choices that i have made...and i pray that even though my sorries will not change the past, they will change the future.

remember me one more time.

enemy of the weather 

same old story...raining shitloads, pitch flooded, match cancelled. every time something like that happens my mood nosedives to -100.

it was good to be back at quins training last night, in spite of the mild apprehension. i haven't ran till my cheeks burned in quite a time, burning schweet. most unfortunately, i won't be able to play for quins until after february because of the uni fixtures on sundays; and if they cancel any more of these, i'm gonna bite someone.

it's time to try defying gravity 

i am going to be unoriginal but...wicked was wicked. a solid feel good kind of musical, my only shallow gripe is that neither the leads nor the costumes were pretty thangs.

tonight was also the night of random funnybunny conversations, the classic being,
alien: i like girls in shirts, very sexy...
ninja: i also like girls in shirts! wuhaha.

other than that it's been a most-monstrous-monday start to the week. if not for lunch with mariberries and randomness with alien, i think i would have beaten myself to pulp by now. (i am le scared la. chuh.)

the black parade 

like a slap on the face. i feel half tempted to walk away, but i know that will sting even more than a slap. you'll never understand the feeling.

what do i expect? it's been 2.5 years.

LSE 0 - 34 euston technical college again 

frustrating, in the words of captain kims. not quite the flying start to the year as the team could only watch as the tries piled in fast and furious on the other end.

i was insanely eager to find the t-line after didi fired me out of my dull mood last night by reminding me of how the quins (pre)season started for me, but i didn't do myself justice. rex, our old coach, gave me a couple of pointers after the match, for scrums in particular he wanted me to either run the channel closest to the scrum or pass the ball instantly to our 10 instead of running the ball all over the place in an attempt to avoid her ball-fumbling antics, as had happened quite so often previously. he made sense, and i have so so so much to learn if i want to bring my game a notch up; and i really should stop whingeing about the quality of our 10 and focus on being a 9 that presents her with the conditions to play well. bad matches feel shite, in limbo until our next match on wednesday.

we're not talking about 100% anymore, we're looking at 200%.
* * *
there are good days,and there are bad days,and rash days as well.shame,my time horizon may well be too short to make sure life does not just go on...blazes on sounds better.

just ask yourself how many ways have you disappointed me over the past couple of days. and then remind yourself that i don't like this feeling; and what i don't like i viciously guard myself against.

belle day 

look who was in town (the girl, not the creature lol)... tres cool =)


in a strange time travel turn of events, i found myself in the company of belle for all of six hours in the gusty city of london; okay actually she was in transit between her flights from toronto to singapore. but cool, we strolled the london eye, westminster bridge, houses of parliament, downing street, trafalgar square (where we chanced upon the russia(!!!) winter festival), leicester square, covent garden, strand, lse, waterloo bridge. of course as usual, got goaded by belle into shopping, haha so we each got a david & goliath top! and to add, we had lots of fun climbing into tall chairs, chowing on mashed peas, taking wind-swept shots, and trying not to get blown off the bridge. what a saturday =)

miss you belle...and take care in melby.

rules. 

making my way downtown walking fast
faces passed and i'm home bound
staring blankly ahead just making my way
making my way through the crowd

it's always times like these when i think of you
and i wonder if you ever think of me
cause everything's so wrong and i don't belong
living in your precious memories

cause i need you
and i miss you
and now i wonder

if i could fall into the sky
do you think time would pass me by
cause you know i'd walk a thousand miles
if i could just hold you tonight
*a thousand miles by vanessa carlton

winter loving 

thanks y'all =) miss you already.

it's been pretty much a rollercoaster ride, if i may add, at times it felt like the harness clicked open. i was going to say at least i didn't fall off, but i think i did right at the very end.

i don't know where i'm going but i sure know where i've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday
and i've made up my mind i ain't wasting no more time
but here i go again here i go again

though i keep searching for an answer
i never seem to find what i'm looking for
oh lord i pray you give me strength to carry on
cos i know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams
*here i go again by whitesnake

the plan is to ace the next seven months and to come back for the unfufilled minidream. TAP AND GO!

it's just that it's delicate 

i might sit down in a couple of months, or weeks, and try to make light of what i am feeling, but right now my mind wants no answers. i might condemn the unsalvagable cynic in me, but when i choke at each farewell hug, i see that i am flesh and blood too. i might mistrust the span of your interest, but i can comfort you with the confession that i doubt myself ten times more.the tables are turned this time, and i am unbearably weak, but it's no good even if the tables turn again soon enough, because my strength will suck someone else weak, and that is no consolation. good grief, good good grief.

the most delicate word in the english language is goodbye.

i used to think that distance was my best weapon until i realized that i am my worst enemy. and nothing can save me from myself.

may god's love be with you 

leaving singapore will always be difficult; and more so after winter break where what stands between me and the next flight home will no longer be just one easypeasy ten week term, but seven feelslikeforever months, easter break, and the torturous exams.

and yet, looking at the old photos ivy just tagged on facebook got me excited all over again, i'm going back to my rugby matches, team socials, and kickabouts with hannie and nazzie. i'm looking forward to lunches with paullywally, catchups with lizzie, chillouts with azukibean, all the things i never made the time to do last term. london is where i went to patch myself up from the small horrors of my late teenage years. london is where i stood up on my own two feet. london is where i found myself. and for the past 2.5 years i have been in london, the life i lived was my own, my room, my meals, my time, my schedule, my finances, mine. sadly and regretably, the same cannot be said of singapore, i sleep in my room like how i would in a hostel, even though this is the place where the people i still love the most, my family, my best friend, my old buddies, are.

it goes full circle, the dread of leaving singapore to the dread of leaving london. it stings me that the next time i leave london could be the last time i leave london. how do i say goodbye to the place where i found myself, how do i say hello to the place i left before i could even find myself. you know what, in a way i am relieved that the choice is not mine to make, because the question then would be the impossible one of how do i choose between london and singapore; i have to come back, and for the sake of some things, i actually do want to come back. i am just afraid that the life i lead back here will no longer be mine.

when the day finally comes, i guess it's up to me and down to me to make sure that does not happen. for now, i am going to treat myself to a kickass time in london. stand by me =)

nearer the sky 

today i received two presents. loh gave me the exact adidas top i loved at first sight but had to give up for the inescapable white coat, and rara gave me a canterbury water bottle in my favourite colours. how to not love thes girls =) but today we also failed to solve the mystery of the mysterygirl =( and now we'll never know, lol.

days like this i can't run from the fact that london came/comes at a price. but so what.

note to self 

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love.
-1 Corinthians 16:13-14

my muscles are cuter 

if the first day of the year sets the yardstick for the next 364 days, then it seems like i am gonna be able to breathe easy for 2007. (if only.)

on a hot little monday afternoon, BFB (ie: the hawtest girl in the world/singapore, whatever) and FAB (ie: me) 'raced' down to spe and claimed the entire field to ourselves to kick ball, pass ball, sidestep, tackle, and fling each other onto the dry itchy grass for about an hour or so. two man rugby is possible and funstuff, still my favourite activity whether in london or back here, screw mealing or shopping or movieing. BFB is also quite the funstuff, because she makes me explode into laughter in the worst places like in the cafe and in the middle of the street, and because her muscles will never be as cute as mine, woops.

happiness is a choice.
i choose to be unhappy, sometimes. because i like my happiness rare.

still the eternal pessimist =)

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS