carry me through 

God has not promised skies always blue, flowers strewn pathways all our lives thru
God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain
but God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labour, light for the way
grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love.

amen, i love You.

stade de france 

RBS 6 Nations
France 32 - 21 Wales

paris take four...this time with our dear leader nazzie (or gunnie!), dear leader in making hannie, and good and faithful servant alien. special mentions include being separated from alien and his 'pickpocket' at the metro station, losing the 'race' to our meet place with nazzie even though we had a 30min headstart, quiches rosti crepes and tarts for lunch at paul's, and our heavy usage of the words grovelling, beanie, and CMS - cheat money shops. lol.

anyhoos the real reason why we were in paris was -drumroll- to catch the france vs. wales 6 nations match live at the stade de france,WHOO WHOO.it was immense.it was one helluva crazy-beautiful-thrilling night. the welshies actually put up a good fight against the frenchies, they snatched the two opening tries and if they hadn't missed out on the try and two penalty kicks in the second half, who knows france might have been denied of their grand slam =| we also caught the first half of the ireland vs. england match earlier at the pub, and that one also really left us in a bouncing and bellowing mess in the CMS. but beautiful innit, the irish; shame i didn't get to see the strettle try though. SERIOUSLY looking forward to the rugby world cup in september, the all blacks proclaim they are the biggest, fastest, fittest team ever. (trivia: my scrummie piri weepu played for NZ U21 outdoor netball team...that's gay.)
* * *
my name is ill bill since the 24hours in paris. i have slept 35hours out of a 48hours period. my mummy says that my body has been weakened because i have not eaten healthily for three years. i concede defeat lor.

lamentation, laughter, laksa, love 

uhh, i just realized i completely forgot about my replacement accounting class this evening and spent the time sipping chai latte with azuki bean instead. major woops =/

the pursuit of holiness 

'Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children not conforming yourselves to the former lusts as in your ignorance, but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct because it is written, be holy for I am holy.

And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear, knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things like silver or gold from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.'
-1 Peter 1:13-21

the everyday struggle, the unending struggle; the unsettling reminder that i have to be on my guard, whether in sleep or in awakening. even though the enemy knows my name, and even my game, i will be bold in my resolve not to dance to his tune.

mr kundera, you were right to say that "When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.", but you forgot about the soul; the soul that finds it indecent to disobey the whispers of its only lover. Jesus, lover of my soul.
* * *
dear N, you have been judging me for a long time, please stop. if it is in your intention to push me down rather than hold me up as a brother would, then kindly back off knowing that i am accountable to only Him for my conduct and choices, this is between Him and me, not you and me. thank you.

you could be my unintended 

club training was nought last night all thanks to the return of the f-ed up floodlights, darns. this time the lock refused to unlock, so we had to pass on a roaring roundaround and return indoors for a video session, which was to be fair, fairly instructional and inspiring. it made me remember that rainy night three years ago when i was asked to go down to videotape the nteam trials. it also made me remember how it felt when the chesham match i was supposed to start in got called off; the match has been rescheduled for this weekend but i will be away to watch the six nations at the stade de france. and it also made me remember the thursday nights of last term where i would stand hands clasped in my shorts pockets waiting to hear my name from the match team list. i would like to play for quins again soon.

the uni match later might be nought as well given that captainkims called me while i was on the train home asking me whether i wanted to play 11 v 15 against the thames polyers or give them the walkover since we were so woefully short on numbers. i chose the former because quite simply, i would like to play, although i don't quite expect all the other girlies to consider this anything less than absurd. i understand. rugby is not a game played by just one willing person anyway, but you know what, going without proper oddshapedballing for one full week would be, pretty darn difficult.

i am still learning to be less hard on myself when things like that happen. but you can't really blame me for being like that given that i chose to crawl all the way out of the black hole because of this. i still believe, won't stop.

you could be my unintended
choice to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love
you could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you
you could be my unintended
choice to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love
*unintended by muse

hello piggy it's your ear 

chinese new year's eve was redhotfun. according to fungus who doubled up as masterchef fangtai during the night, we exercised THE WHOLE DAY, which is probably and happily true. we rised and shined early in the morning to hit the gym together, and returned home to wake the sleeping alien to head down to chinatown for lunch and massive grocery shopping for the reunion dinner later. as we lugged the da bao siao bao back across the golden jubilee bridge, i thought about chinese new year dinners back home before the past three years where the only thing i had to do really was to eat, it's not the same here of course, but the doing da bao siao bao thing can be good fun, and very funny. seeing that the weather was smiling down on us, fungus and i threw the da bao siao bao at my place and hopped out to the london eye fields for a kickabout with her soccer ball, still not quite the beautiful game but soccer is fun stuff, whoo whoo. after running ourselves all ragged, we hurried home to tie up loose ends ie shower, clean up, talk to family/friends on msn, before getting ready to prepare for dinner proper. reunion dinner was fungus, sheep, sarieu, hannie, alien and myself huddled over two rice pot steamboats stuffing ourselves silly with wanton, pork, tofu, mushrooms, vege, vege, vege, vege, and more vege; we also had niangao and tangyuan for dessert. oh may i add that our humble dinner included lots of bantering, ribbing, chiding, laughing, and shiting, go figure...

the aftermath of such excessive exercising and eating is taking its toll on me today, but it was the funnest day this term. i had a much loved and blessed chinese new year's eve, hope you guys back home did too =) miss you all.

dear dennis and samuel 

LSE 10 - 22 some animal college again 

we lost our cup quarterfinals today, so for the first time in three years, i won't be playing in the finals. it was somewhat heartbreaking because we raced to a lead with the first two tries of the match and kicked off the second half in the lead against the mighty unbeaten vets. there was a moment when i thought we were finally going to pull off a great upset this time, but in the end, they wrestled over the line once and burned our wings three times to deny us this honour. but today, we played with heart... and that one thing, no one will deny us. the (fast)forwards worked to their bones in the tackles and mauls, the (sexy)backs ran riot with their passes and speed, sarah and rachel w. teamed up in the center to execute a textbook perfect 2v1 that produced rachel w.'s try, hannah c. assist max-ed sophie to put her through to the try she legged half the field to score, hannah k. singlehandedly dragged mauls after mauls along with her, ivy aced the lineouts, and mel returned to the field. whoo.

i had a pretty good game today as well. the decision making and referee calls, by grace, largely worked to my advantage, i worked consciously to tackle every man and it felt good, i also shook off my opposing 9 out of the scrum once using hannie's technique. but that's not all because i somehow feel as though i am losing my attacking impetus, how could i let that happen to me. only a few matches more to go, gotta buck up. fight MAX.

build the dog.

i'll follow you into the dark 

the future is still up in the air. and between now and then, there could be a hundred and one things that may go wrong, or just one critical detail that will stop me from being where i want to be. these are uneasy thoughts. but i guess, even if letting go means dependence, vulnerability, trust, and all the things counterintuitive to me, i will learn to let go so that You will have all of me to reveal Your miracles. i am learning to stop fearing my wretchedness, learning to stop fearing Your plans, learning to let go, and let God.

some things i'd change but it's too late
i'd take the past and make it straight
even though it's complicated
we've got time to start again
i don't know if you can hear me
*start again by death cab for cutie

24:10 

why?

because i believe. i believe that this is worth fighting for, i believe that i deserve my chance, i believe that there are big things to come, and above all i believe in You.

天不作美 

the perfect day of love would have been spent in the company of the oddshape ball, a pair of mudsoaked boots, and fifteen (or less) rugby loving girlies, first, and then dinner after. but this was not to be. the skies opened on us for 12 hours straight, and it was big despair each time i woke up to look out of my drippy window and much dismay each time i received a beepbeep text message. one of them said 'game's off,waterlogged pitch'. it was expected, as i had said to hannie the night before, but still...BIG FAT SIAN.

the weather has been rude to us the past two trainings. last tuesday was frost max, with the jackets we had left on the side of the pitch iced over after training. yesterday was rain max, under the red sky, lots of cats and dogs pouring down on us, as we had our fun punching each other when we were meant to be punching holes through gaps. something like that =)

i was saving myself for today. but now i have to go for a lecture instead. &%£#!

爱很简单 

Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company.
-from The Unbeareable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

a-muse-ment 

the angels they burn inside for us 

the weekend has been eventful, exciting, extraordinary. on friday azuki bean and i had our long overdue tea chillout, and in the evening mariberries cooked us our long overdue dinner of lotus root soup beforewhich i fell asleep in her so big it can fit seven short people bed and afterwhich the both of us hunched over her laptop to watch the fingersmith dvd. on saturday fungus and i did our weekly gym and lunch, following which tien and i hopped onto the train to twickers to catch the six nations england-italy men's match at a pub and women's match at the stadium itself, like wow. on sunday it was church and then lunch with my aunt in angel and a drive up north to an asian hypermarket, speeding back in time to catch the second half of the france-ireland match; winger vincent clerc scored the heartstoppingly heartbreaking winning french try in the 79th minute, inducing much pain (and profanities).

and today, school was out because of a power failure in the holborn area. it was not until i passed on the bignews to fungus that i was reminded that we wouldn't be able to hand in our econ homework, and not until that reminder that i realized i had forgotten about the deadline and had yet to complete my problem set...to which fungus said "you damn heng, powercut just for you". haha, i'd like to agree with that =D

and tomorrow, if i can wake up, mission daisy and mission dishwalla.

absolutely no time to do work at all, superdie. and yet in the blurry flurry of all these events, excitement, extraordinarility, i learnt that He never said that there will no longer be any temptation or demons to fight, but He did promise that each time the enemy comes knocking on the door of my heart, He will be right there standing guard, if i ask Him to.
* * *
6 weird things about me, for YOU durian. (i'm gonna skip the rules.)

1. i once said that "red is my purpose in life", and still get much ribbing for it now and then. what i really meant that i am obessesed with color coordination and will only take an object seriously if it is red in colour, and on whim, black or white.

2. i love snoopy and my stuffed dogs puddie, brimble, bowwow but humbly admit i do not take well to real dogs. last summer on our way home from primrose hill, i happily chose oncoming car over humongous black dog, much to mari's consterntation.

3. i danced ballet for 12 years up to elementary grade, it was my first love before the beautiful game blew me over for forever. some people find it hard to believe, i don't blame them given that i have never been quite girly all my life.

4. i take great pride in my bruises and lack of cleanliness. that's why i play rugby.

5. i spend money like water in singapore but save money like a squirrel in london. i used to send 1000 text messages a month back home, over here it's probably 1000 a year.

6. i like guys clothes because they are suave, easy, and fun.

snowache heartfall 

i've become much too good at being invincible
i'm an expert at play it safe and keep it cool
but i swear this isn't who i'm meant to be
i refuse to let my life roll all over me

let me feel, i don't care if i breakdown
let me fall, even if i hit the ground
and if i cry a little die a little
at least i know i lived just a little

i wanna be somebody i wanna be somebody
who can face the things that i've been running from
*let me fall by bethany joy lenz

because bunny, you're the friend i never had, and sadly enough, will never have.

rucking good laughs 

LSE 15 - 5 some middle-of-nowhere college 

yesterday we had another weirdass match at this weirdass place in middlesex signposted worlds end lane, quite literally given the miles we had to walk (and trip over) to get there. we played 10s since they only had 10 players with them, but that's not a big deal since 10s can be quite fun with the big gaps opening up. the big deal in fact was the horribly horrifying pitch which was nothing but potholes, gravel, mud, and shit in all of its full semi-solid glory. and so pumping those eyeshield feet became laborious and ludicrous, but possibly not as ludicrous as their biased cucumber ref. anyhow we still mounted an attack-of-the-backs as myself(9), laura(10), and hannah(11) scored a try each. amen =) theme patient tackles also had a decent launch, seeing that i cannot swivel my head left right now.

that aside, i did walk off the pitch berating myself for not making the most out of this match to practice the new things i had learnt in the past few trainings.what the f. is wrong with me. and what's the use of regretting only after the match.

lohy, thanks for braving the weather and the distance to come watch us play. means a lot =) and you know what, that gives you the happy honour of being the only match supporter, in all three years, to have seen me score a try and win a match for that matter. rocks.

trigger those cues.

dear marianne 

six appeal 

"People talk about stylish rugby, but there's nothing more stylish than winning. ... It doesn't matter how you win, just as long as you do. There's no point in playing open rugby and losing. ... But the main thing - and I'm sure Brian (Ashton) will drum this home - is to get on the field and be prepared to do anything in order to win, regardless of what people think of their style of play". -Martin Johnson

i was going to disagree vehemently until i recalled how wilko's winning drop kick in the concluding minutes of the 2003 rugby world cup finals sent crystal, tien and me hysterical. everybody likes winning. but why is it that the english are loathed the moment they lose whereas the all blacks are loved even when they lose...it's because they make the game of 15 beefy men and 1 oddshaped ball look so beautiful isn't it?

alright =/ i am meant to be working on my presentation, and essay, and coursework, instead of basking in six nations world. i have so much work to do it isn't even funny.

LSE 49 - 5 yet another medical college 

yesterday's match was a tad shambolic since SG turned up with 8 players and 7 pairs of boots. i was going to swallow my head in fury until i realized that our team was in just about the same predicament last year and that i wasn't even in the tough position of having to play for the other team against my team, so its credit to SG for coming down for a match in the spirit of rugby, and to GB, HH, CY, and SD for doing us proud on the other side.

we played 12s with a 6 man flankless scrum, and owing to the circumstances of the day found ourselves in a strong position to play an attacking game, which was great fun if not most challenging. i opened the scores with two tries, one off the first scrum and the other off a quick 2v1, hannah eyeshield-ed her way to a hat trick of three tries before narrowly missing her fourth after being ruled out of touch, sarah's wilkinson try and boschthrough try sandwiched megan's mighty L shaped run of a try, and i tussled my way over the line with the combined effort of our front rows for my hat trick. and to add, gullnaz did such a good job in marking me out of lineouts she left me in a gnashing heap on the ground from a searing calf at one point. games like this are great for scoring tries, trying moves, and feeling the magic that is rugby, but it is the tough ones that will make the players out of us.

more than anything in this world, thank You. i prayed for three tries each for hannie and myself in a match at the start of the year and You made the exact thing happen yesterday because You have said You will honour me if i honour You first. and when i was hanging on for my last try even with just 5 minutes to go, i quietly believed that something miraculous was about to happen. it did, just like all the wonderful things You have done for me have =) thank You,for loving me,for giving me something to smile about,for rugby,and for a friend like zinny who prayed with me before the match. my saviour, my closest friend.

rugby is love.

washes me whiter than the snow 

'Do not fear,for you will not be ashamed;nor be disgraced,for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth.

For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you, says the Lord your redeemer. For this is like the waters of Noah to me, for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth, so I have sworn that I would not be angry with you nor rebuke you. For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has mercy on you.'
-Isaiah 54:4,8-10

the year did not get the flying start i had imagined. but i know, that You struck me down right at the start to make it clear that if anything was going to be fulfilled this year, it would be through You, and not me. You have set it straight that You deserve my full discipline and painstaking obedience, not some half-hearted promise You have allowed me to get away with too often, or some sorry excuse of unfinished business that demanded one last time, one more season. You do Lord, You deserve more than all that i have deigned to give You. and i thank you that the prize after the pain will be sweet, that the peace after the punishment will teach me to be better than i thought i could be, that the walk with You, even if it's in the desert, will be worthwhile. there is a joy as i say this amid my recurring worries. i would like to go back to our old days, will You lead me there again?

it has struck me what the problem is; i promised my first breakthrough of the year to someone else, but i have to take that back now, because my first breakthrough has to be from You and for You, as all the previous breakthroughs have been. i wait upon You for that to come, and that breakthrough will more than a breakthrough, it will mean that i have been washed whiter than the snow all over again. a fresh beginning. february.

dear zinny, you taught me to stop fearing His wrath, to cease condemning myself, and to let go of all the guilt, you gave me reason to seek and search Him with the passion i once thought He would deny because i rebelled. i told you i am slowly crawling back, but i also trust that He will welcome me back lovingly as His child, forgiven. thank you, my dear girl, thank you.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS