bring on the bull fight 

when we came, we carried with us fear, uncertainties, inexperience, encouraging words on a blue piece of paper, and our hearts. looking back, i'd like to say that we both blossomed in our own ways and excelled in our own circumstances. there is nothing to be afraid of, wherever we will go.

"...stripped to the core, it's all heart. heart of which xxxx and you have in abundance and which has made all the difference when having you both around".
* * *
i have pretty much spent the week hole-ing up in my apartment with five survival items: work, food, gym, pool, bed, leaving the fortress only for training, church, and gathering survival item #2. today i stepped out into the wilderness to have dinner at azuki bean's, whoo! not unexpectedly, the wonders of the great wilderness and the great bean had me captured for a great five hours =D speaking of which, i kinda miss the lively student land of russell square, in comparison waterloo feels like a lush land of anonymous workers/tourists; but the all-important rails to take me to rugby land(s) are right here, so i shan't twitter on.

I love you more than life 

last night at church we sang a song that went i love You more than life. those big words made me stop to think if i really did, or really could. but the worship leader actually said “this was what Jesus said to each of us as He hung on the cross, I love you more than life”. it’s true, my love can never compare with His. but i love You, imperfectly much.

stand by everything You said
stand by the promises we made
let go of everything i've done
i'll run into Your open arms and all i know
i love You more than life
i love You more than life

how can it be You were the one on the cross
lifted for all our shame
how can it be the scars in Your hands are for me
You are the king of all
*more than life by hillsongs

split screen sadness 

a couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was taking part in a race which consisted of three consecutive 2.4km runs (yeah, dreams are absurd like this). i aced the first two runs but when it came to the third, there was someone else legging it stride for stride with me, our perspiring limbs straining in matching movements.i was tired,but it took intense concetration not to let myself be outpaced, i couldn't let up in this last run. as we crossed the finish line still shoulder to shoulder, i stretched every sinew of muscle in my body to tip myself ahead. we had to check the results on some paper afterwards.

i won.

i wish i was like this in real life, consistently. then i wouldn't hate myself half of the time =/ the exams will end soon enough, they are only an excuse anyway, but i can't go on like this.

i won't.

youth is wasted on the young 

i happened to flip through my emails from three years ago, just about before i left. what was palpable was how young, and fresh, and almost crisp we were, at eighteen, or older. how at that moment of time in my life, there seemed to be innumerable occasions to be excited about, to beam for, to add exclamation marks to; the pre-leaving odd-shaped ball days were some kind of breathless bliss, and the anticipation of the post-leaving days though scary, was eager for the adventure. today we are a little too old for wild abandon, too hardened to expect goodness, too kaput to think ourselves invincible.

t_____ years ago, the c_____ organized a c_____ with both t_____ and c_____ matches. i pulled on the j_____ with pride and w_____ my first two m_____ that day. afterwards, t_____ and i were tasked to collect a c_____ for g_____ and e_____ surprise c_____ at the b_____. we must have h_____ it over to the s_____ and h_____ to the b_____ first because i remember p_____ of g_____ and t_____ and myself trying out really silly p_____. i still have them. and then the t_____ of us were unable to l_____ the others who were already at f_____ haven, even after repeated a_____ to give us d_____. as we p_____ up and down, g_____ even wondered whether this p_____ existed or whether it was just a name j_____ made up, it was very a_____. we did f_____ them in the end and what ensued was one very s_____ and s_____ but s_____ night. t_____ years ago.

dear _____, it was the email that you sent that made me recall this episode. i blanked parts of it because i wanted to reminisce on it selfishly by myself, i didn't want anyone else to share in it. it's incredible how i seem to have so little to remember you for yet so many casual memories of you floating around in my jai like this one. i miss you.

ten hours i could not 

they say pure passion belongs to a heart of madness, if this is so, then my rare answer to the call of rationality yesterday shall deny me the badge of the passionate. i am sadly disappointed in myself, but to be honest, either decision would have been hard to swallow in its own right. perhaps i chose the bitter over the sour.

"In the world of wins and losses, only those who have experienced disappointment will become strong. All those who play on the field have tasted defeat at least once, there is no player in the world who has not lost before. However, the best players will give everything they've got to stand up again as fast as possible. Ordinary players take a while to get back on their feet. As for the losers they will just remain flat on the field."
-Oujou coach, Eyeshield 21

i have tasted defeats, and defeat takes many forms apart from losing, it could be doubting oneself, holding back, hiding behind fear, giving up early, not wanting to be there, or just not turning up, it could be anything that makes you feel like shit. but there's no time to remain flat in misery, i've got to stand up, dust my knees, and look ahead as fast as i can. the crucial realization is that even though there will always be ups and downs, always be a time to accelerate and a time to slow down, the end point never changes. dream part one.

i will find the perfect balance with the perfect wisdom of my Father, no one else but You.

* * * my gray girl, no matter how many times our paths have diverged, how many thoughts we have disagreed on, how many actions i have begrudged you for, you are still my truest when all is stripped bare. i love and care, my buddy, please be happy again soon.

hello dubye 

dubai the desert city is for the fun-loving, the sun-loving, the taxi-holic, the shopper-holic, the pollution-negligent, the indulgent, the young and reckless, the student who wants a chillax break from the shoestring expense, budget airline, dingy hostel, museum overload, walk everwhere, eat bread, pickpocket wary ... europe trip. dubai is for mememe =)


1. dune bashing, ie speeding up and down and over and under vast stretches of sand dunes in a four-wheel-drive for a good 1 hour or so is tres tres thrilling. absolutely wicked stuff, who needs rollercoasters anymore?

2. i liked it so much that for once we got to (well, had to) take the taxi wherever we went...! of course, our dear muppet didn't like the air pollution and traffic jams quite so much.

3. we were newly rich on dirhams so we ate freely and happily at fish and co., kfc, sushi stall, pizza hut, hyatt regency, dunkin donuts, paul boulangerie, bloop bloop bloop.

4. imports greeted us wherever we went, we even found our very own fish and co., breadtalk, charles and keith, royal sporting house, and osim. also 'imported' were the foreign guest workers aplenty, we probably met more indians than arabs in our four days there, which can be a little odd if you think about it.

5. one of the best things that happened was chancing upon a little india style maze of streets selling nothing but car parts and handphone accessories. the first time we went there as curious explorers at 9ish at night, we found a indian coffee shop style place to have our supper of 4 pratas, fish curry, chicken curry, and 4 cups of tea for only 15 dirhams (SGD7.50). we went back again on our last night and was greeted bashful-warmly by the guy who had served us the other night and were treated to the last 2 bowls of the best mutton/chicken soup in the world and 2 cups of tea for 4 dirhams (SGD2), what simple joy =) i enjoyed that, exploring nooks and cranies for good cheap food by nice friendly people, it seems like i'm becoming more and more like my dad.

6. there is no middle class in dubai, looks like barrington moore wouldn't be too pleased.

anyway, it's BACK TO THE GRIND.

spring is for love not exams 

i learnt that people will always disappoint, and for all sorts of reasons, for riches, for power, for glory, for favour, for self preservation, for someone else. i have seen them all.

but i will fight honest, because i do not need the affirmation or attention or authority that drives you. i have since come to the realization that i run this race with no one else, but just my Father and me; everyone else, no matter how well intentioned, will someday disappoint. i am guilty of the same crimes. that's only life.

'And a voice from heaven said, this is my Son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased'.
-Matthew 3:17
* * *
dubai, here we come!

where would you rather be =D 

perfect substitute 

your costly action has rendered your cheap words complete utter bullshit. respect, zilch.
* * *
hokays how do we celebrate the end of term? first thing on friday night, kensington temple, to be with You, just to be with You. up next was the last crush, incidently my first and last of the academic year, with mariberries and alien with his two indian men mash and thambi (ha!), we also met up with lots of people there, the teamies jo, ivy, laurie, nazzie, as well as puee and azuki bean.once the live band left,we dizzied up the dancefloor with a vengeance, wowza i have missed such good clean fun me friends.wish the lights didn't come on so early but by 2ish, we were all bundled out of the tuns/quad/underground ready for supper at crispyduck in ctown. the night ended with mariberries taking her bus home and the three doods and myself getting semi-lost aroung lambeth, made it to bed at 5ish. slept in (whoo!) on saturday and woke up to coarse voice and smudgey eyes, jd coke and vodka sprite cruising through my veins, and spent the rest of the day in bliss watching italy vs ireland, gymming with fungus, watching wales vs england with nazzie, and dinnering with fungus. actually, the irish heartbreak under such a dramatic turn of events was not so much bliss. tomorrow i shall lie in bed and mope over the reports on rugbyplanet.

i hope that you might find me here i can learn to smile again
and as a bomb bore these wounds take away the sting
and as the band it played on i should have known
that song would have to end
*solace by fuel

in a week's or less time, i will have to put on my fierce face and work my sox off for the annual torture known as the big e's. blimey.

lent term 0607 

6 LSE matches
4 LSE tries
2 Quins matches
3 trips
3 essays
2 live rugby matches
2 presentations
1 dinner ball
1 club night
1 movie
1 musical
1 live soccer match

my last official term as an undergraduate has been muchly challenging. in these 10 weeks, there have been many a bleak times, weak times, lone, painful, trying times. i have fought many demons, and not all of them have been slayed and buried. and on top of everything, my work has not been as rewarded as i would have liked it to be, rightly because this term has been rugby first, social second, academia third. but i have not walked this term alone, for i have lived in the fullness of His love, grace, and protection in every match played, every try scored, every assignment completed, every offer received, every fun savoured, every disappointment faced, every betrayal encoutered, every bridge crossed. thank You, and thank You for you...

XW, you have been an angel sent to me. you prayed for me before a match and something so wonderful happened, you gave me psalm 91 when i needed it most, you believed in me. you may be even further than home, but you are close to my heart my dearest friend.

YT, you have been my saturday morning wakeup call and so much more. a huge part of my happy spells have been our gym sessions, footie kickabouts, netball guffaws, big meals, and of course, going on and on about your favorite mr jpt. oh, and you've been my number one nagger to do my work, needed it =D

SL, you have been the one i can never stop looking forward to talking to. we finally got our chat-abouts over chai latte up and about this term,you have truly made me laugh and learn, what more can i ask for in an accountability partner... another korean meal maybe, hehe.

JT, you have been my flan in good times, not so good times, and pillow-fight-on-the-street times. you have also been donnie and bowwow at other times, wow how versatile!

friday's girl 

He said 72,000 angels will come at my call, and their wings will cover me from the baits shooting out from everywhere.and as that angels and i fly safe into the place i have been running towards, i will sing out this song, but you have to save me by not giving chase.

i've seen you hanging round this darkness where i'm bound
and this black hole i've dug for me
and silently within with hands touching skin
the shock breaks my disease and i can breathe

and all of your weight all you dream
falls on me it falls on me
and your beautiful sky the light you bring
falls on me it falls on me

your faith like the pain draws me in again
she washes all my wounds for me
the darkness in my veins i never could explain
and i wonder if you ever see will you still believe

am i that strong to carry on
i might change your life
i might save my world
could you save me
*falls on me by fuel

all our smiles all confiscated 

i have had a bad day.

top on the list has got to be the most unkind exam timetable ever, and i thought last year's was bad, baby compared to this fracking bombshell. i have 2 papers on the first day of the exams and the other 2 papers three days apart within the next ten days. counting in my easter trip and assessed essay, that makes it six weeks to may-hem. wtf.

second on the list is saturday's cancelled match. was looking forward to playing the friendly against the second team of tabi's old club, now what, fitness? gym? sleep in? all suck hey.

there's also third, fourth, and fifth on the list. bear, eifu monster has come for me. -whinge-

me and my teamies 

lsewrfc kissed one last goodbye to the team of 0607 and the teamies who will be leaving the team, slap-thigh-jo, vidu-lovin-higgins, barrington-lovin-warner, always-outrageous-ivy and funny-drunk-heather...we'll miss you ladies =( the season did whimper to an end with our last three matches cancelled due to numbers or weather, so all we had to our name was the colours ball and team dinners. the usuals again this one, curry and lots and lots of wine. uhh the wine-ing probably went too far as our little hannie puked right outside the restuarant and had to be escorted to the tuns to be force fed crisps and bread and water. after much sobering up, hannie and i left the teamies behind and made our way back to her halls, and then i decided to be stupid and walk home from tottenham court road, all 45 minutes of it whey. didn't get to walkabout this time round, although i did pass by the institution in its rowdiness and messiness on the walk home, choices choices choices. well the less i do this, the easier it'll be to fight the temptations in the forbidden city? i'll miss the teamies though! womens rugby womens rugby womens rugby l s e -holler holler kiss kiss-


one more year for us three? ha-ha.

harlequins 29 - 5 hammersmith & fulham 

we played 12s in a friendly fixture against HFFC (which my old teammates SK and KB play for) on this bright sunday morning, it might have been the first day of spring. i played... scrumhalf for quins for the first time, what a blessing. i wasn't prepared for this though, having spent the whole night thinking about aceing the wing, and this meant that i wasn't as composed with the ball as i would have like to be. and i'm sorry i was a selfish player today. in my desperation to score, there were a couple of times where i decided to run the ball instead of shipping it out to my frustrated flyhalf for a better chance; i remember one play in which i was taken down 30cm painfully short of the line, imagine if i had passed out, argh. but today was a good learning experience, for tackling, for running, for trying new things, and best of all in a position i love playing in and have lots to work on. oh and not to forget, our birthday girl ES put in all five tries, what a legend.

one more.
* * *
today is also a beautiful day for english rugby, finally. new kids on the block david strettle, toby flood, and shane geraghty had such unbelievably beautiful runs. wowWOWwow.

the right turn 

this is the last time that i'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time i will fall into a place that fails us all inside
i can see the pain in you i can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around im always gonna worry about
the things that could make us cold
*angels or devils by dishwalla

i will not turn back, not today, not in four months, not one and a half years later; this is real. but i want to walk with you as a friend for forever, so please don't take the journey that goes backwards, because i can't.

law and grace 

'For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under the law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.'
-Romans 8:3-4, 6:14-18

if the law is a ladder, it would never reach God because it would be too short. for the law was made useless with sin, because the law cannot cope with flesh; but grace can, because it was given in spite of sin. yet grace does not give us the freedom to sin, since the love for God compels us to do the right things. i have been reasoning, for a long time, if obedience out of fear is comparable with obedience out of love, i guess i have found the answer now... fear of God comes from the law, and it places us in the center of everything because it is us saying what can i do to please God, what can i achieve to win His approval. but love for God comes from grace, it sets God right at the center with Him saying I am not pointing the finger at you nor am I condemning you. if the law is a ladder we try to reach Him with, grace must be the rope He has thrown down to reach us with, and all we need to do is to cling on tight for His grace is sufficient to raise us up. amen.

let us stop judging each other, because God isn't.

draw me close to You never let me go
i lay it all down again to hear You say that i'm Your friend
You are my desire no one else will do
cause nothing else could ever take Your place
to feel the warmth of Your embrace
help me find the way bring me back to You

You're all i want You're all i've ever needed
You’re all i want help me know You are near

original sin 

the people who live life on the wild say that life is too short to give a flying shit, but really, life is too short to be doing the wrong things. what is your higher calling?

eye on the ball 

athletics union colours ball 

i am of course not one of those ballsy-dressy-girlies, but last night was way ballistic, ha-ha. i had my first glasses of wine and first dance of the term, like finally; but given that higgins managed to lose her colours statute and warner managed smash hers, the fact that i made it home with my dress, heels, and statute intact says well done to me. but as with all rugbygirls nights out, the fact that we were at a ball in a hotel didn't quite deter the gang from all the dirty little thangs you would imagine of a women's rugby team. enough said =P

this week has seen me blow 68quid on two dinners. monday night's dins at jamie oliver's 15 was well worth the dosh at 28quid...the desserts, the desserts, the deadly deadly desserts; but last night's dins at the ball was a 4quid ready-meal excuse of a 40quid 3 course menu, the travesty.

harlequins 0 - 10 london welsh 

last sunday we had a home match that was played as an away, because our roehampton pitches were waterlogged, waytoomuch rain in london this year =( once again, the skies opened and the winds raged and all our jerseys turned browned and you couldn’t really tell who was a quin and who was a londonwelsh. unfortunately all it took was a 10 minute lapse right at the start of the first half for the opponents to seal the match against us with two little tries. i got to take on the left wing in the final 20 minutes although i hadn’t trained all week, and those 20 minutes playing the beautiful game felt pretty darn good. i ran for a kick and when the opposite wing caught the ball first and did a sidestep on me, i launched all of myself onto her to take her to the ground, all because i heard my captain behind me saying ‘that’s your man’. so although we lost to them again, the character of the team shone through, bright and strong, as gavin had reminded us at halftime. the beautiful game.

how you play on says something about your character.

the space under my ribcage hurts when i breathe, and i don’t know why =(
* * *
the three amigos are at café de paris and i stayed in to bang out my essay...i kinda realized i haven’t clubbed at all the whole of this term, not that i even desired to, whoa me.

the beary slow ice-cream-eater 

it's the games again on saturday, that's where/how we started two years ago =D
ps: take care, eat meals, sleep well, sing songs, tan more, have fun, be good...!

bedtime banter 

i am still the girl who has always has her way, some way, which is not always the best thang. yesterday we had our last match of the season cancelled due to waterlogged pitches (what's new, i'm already beyond whingeing), and i had to insist that goose and i watched 'the good shepherd' instead of 'letters from iwo jima'...which was not a very wise choice because it made us so confused we had to suss out what was going on on wiki afterwards. ha-ha i found this part really funny though...

CIA guy: But you failed the polytest.
Yuri Modin: All Russians fail the polytest. Your polytest doesn't understand the Russians!

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS