lionheart 

the toughest decisions can sometimes be so painful yet at the same time brimming with promise. i want to hear You Lord, for You gave me those desires and dreams and i fear no one understands the depths of my heart like You do. is this what my resolution to be brave has led up to? i guess... if i don't fall i'll never fly, if i don't try i'll never know, and if i don't step out into the wild i'll never be a lion. in more ways than one.

i just know your life's gonna change
gonna get a little better even on the darkest day
i just know your life's gonna change
gonna get a little further right until the feelings change

cause you think that you've been living just treading water
and waiting in the wings for the show to begin
but i always see you searching as you try that bit harder
getting closer oh yeah to the life you're imagining
*no worries by simon webbe

chariots of fire 

Eric Liddell, 'the flying Scotsman' was an accomplished sprinter and rugby player who was an olympic gold medalist and part of the very strong backline of the Scottish national rugby union team. In the 1924 Olympics held in France, Liddell withdrew from his strongest event, the 100m race because the heats were held on a Sunday and Liddell was committed to honouring the sabbath day as a christian. He also declined his selection to the 4x100m and 4x400m relay teams for the same reason. Liddell competed instead in the 400m race, winning one of Britain's first track and field gold medals at a new world record time of 47.6 seconds. Prior to the race, he had never broken the 49 second barrier. The achievements of Lindell and fellow athlete Harold Abrahams were later immortalized in the classic film chariots of fire (clip below). Liddell died in 1945 at the age of 43 at a Japanese internment camp in China where he had been serving as a missionary, as his parents had. What a man, but more than that, what a God.

"I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure". -Eric Liddell

23:55 

personal victory, on a challenge from nine months ago. in the f-ed up world of exams, this has become perverse pleasure.

harlequins 35 - 19 ealing 

the 8th sue moloney memorial cup today, a match in honour of a lady who, i've read, was a great great quin who pioneered the youth side of the club in its earlier days. our opponents ealing play in a couple of leagues below us, we had a full squad bolstered by old girls, the weather was the best i've ever played in, this was our day to shine. captain KS scored a brace and NS, JE, LC, KR, AG got one each, with KR getting the man of the match for the second cup running, what a great player, my senior =) i took the wing for 50 minutes and had plenty of chances to run, receive offloads, get smashed and splayed, but never quite made the tryline =( i did get tackled all over the place while trying to, which i have no gripes about, but i lost the ball on two occasions and that soxx. before the match, i set myself two process goals which i managed to achieve just once each, the feeling though, was sublime. it's moments like these that the change the 'can i?' into my mind to an 'i can.', it's these moments that are the only things i've got to help me get through the tough times until the next match, until after the exams. it's been a great time with quins, i know i have struggled to perform and have not quite played to potential, but these 8 months have been without doubt an immense privilege, challenge, and learning experience. ya-ha!

it's coming.

sevens heaven 

hhheating up, and that means it's never down season because things keep rolling rolling in. i'm really excited, but i have to be honest and admit i'm not sure if i will be good enough, here there everywhere. it's a persistent fear that plagues and paralyzes me. hey _____, you think i'll make it? i miss you still, with all my jai.

and i'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven cause i'm so lost without you down here

you won't be coming back and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
*view from heaven by yellowcard

24:06 

when you cry be sure to dry your eyes
cause better days are sure to come
and when you smile be sure to smile wide
and don't let them know that they have won
and when you walk, walk with pride
and don't show the hurt inside because the pain will soon be gone

and when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
cause it will carry all your cares away
and when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
and it will help you feel okay
and when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on
but when the troubles come your way

and when you dream, dream big
as big as the ocean blue
cause when you dream it might come true
but when you dream, dream big
*dream big by ryan shupe and the rubberband

harlequins 10 - 30 chesham 

a tale of two halves. after they put five tries past us in the first half, AS said we were a team that had stopped believing, and that it was about time we started believing, started competing, started scoring. we did. they scored another against us in the second half, but KR and RH more than answered with a try each. that's what rugby is about isn't it, it's about belief, resolve, pride, the shirt you wear, and the team you carry. i spent roughly 30mins on the wing, enough for a sip of some exciting attacking, but also enough to make me gag from all my weak spots. it's up to me really, and there aren't many chances left.

you are wearing one of the most famous shirts in the world.
* * *
you seem to have taken a liking to striking me where the wound would be the most raw. is this some kind of game to you? if so, bring it on, because i will succeed, and i will show you. you don't wager such games at me unless you are prepared to lose it all.

i believe it's you who could make it better 

i am not a fan of outdoor running,but today i couldn't resist. it was sunny to the 24th degree (warmer than spain and greece i'm told), not a day to just sit indoors and look out at the happy people in the sun; that would have been as cruel as making a kid peer longingly into a cookie jar. so there we were, fungus and myself on our river route, weaving in and out of the maddening crowd of tourists, running past bridge after bridge, loving the feeling. afterwards we sat at the field by the london eye and shared an ice cream cone, our brief but futile attempt to escape from the mindboggling world of economics.
* * *
God knows what we need. and trying hard is without a doubt important, but being hard on yourself doesn't work, God works, God knows, and God provides. He will come through, we just have to abide in Him. i know that there are many unanswered questions on christianity, many uncomfortable rules in the bible, and many unbecoming people who call themselves christians, but at the end of the day, that He loves me and governs my life, i cannot ignore, refute, nor deny. i cannot not rejoice either.

'Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me'. -John 15:4

zinny's prayer for me, 'Lord, i just pray for vettes, that she will be strong in You, and she will believe only in who You tell her she is and not what the world or others tell her, that she is Yours, and Yours alone'. amen, it couldn't have come at a better time my dear =)

firing squad 

is it me? but that's unfair. if you only knew the things i have fought off, given up, passed on, let go, let down, let up. that's fucking unfair, when it's not even my mistake to begin with, q.

dreams inconsistent angel things
horses bred with starlaced wings
but it's so hard to make them fly, fly, fly
these wings beat the night sky above the town
one goes up and one goes down
and so the chariot hits the ground, bound, bound

we have forgotten (don't try to make me fly)
how it used to be (i'll stay here i'll be fine)
how it used to be (don't go and let me down)
how it used to be (i'm starting to like this town)

when wings beat the night sky above the ground
will i unwillingly shoot them down
with all my petty fears and doubts, down, down

we have forgotten (am i in love with this)
how it used to be (my constant broken ship)
how it used to be (don't go i'll shoot you down)
how it used to be (i'm starting to like this town)
*we have forgotten by sixpence none the richer

ballspeak 

last night during training i was handed a ball that had four alphabets scrawled on it, b r f c.

yellow card 

before partaking in the bread and wine at the all souls communion service, it was professed, the world drinks to forget, we drink to remember. never thought of that.

'And when He had given thanks, He broke it (the bread) and said, "This is My body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of Me". In the same way, after supper He took the cup saying, "This cup is the new covenant in My blood; do this whenever you drink it, in remembrance of Me".' -1 Corinthians 11:24-25
* * *
it's been a rough day which does no justice to the celebration that is easter. quite honestly, i'm barely surviving, having autopiloted my way through esssay/revision damage control and a 5km run on 3 hours of sleep, 1 box of pocky, and lots of much needed loving.

thank you, for spending a whole night and morning with me. thank you, for always being on my side even though i have been far from you. thank you, for cheering me immensely by telling me we'd do something everyday. thank you, for appearing just as i needed to fall into a hug, and you, for quick hugs over msn. thank you, for eating fish with me. thank you Lord, i know that You have been near, and that You make me smile at least once every day, that has meant so much. my friends, i guess i'll be fine.

sew this up with threads of reason and regret
so i will not forget i will not forget
how this felt one year six months ago i know
i cannot forget i cannot forget

i can tell that you don't know me anymore
it's easy to forget sometimes we just forget
and being on this road is anything but sure
maybe we'll forget i hope we don't forget

i'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
follow me there a beautiful somewhere a place that we can share

so many nights legs tangled tight
wrap me up in a dream with you
close up these eyes try not to cry
all that i've got to pull me through is memories of you
*one year six months by yellowcard

it can look so perfect 

trivia #1: so in the team photo i look the tallest.
trivia #2: when being lined up i was third... shortest.
trivia #3: some fella actually mistook us for the U17s. mehh.

unbearable lightness 

there's a tear in the fabric of your favourite dress
and i'm sneaking glances looking for the patterns in static
they start to make sense the longer i'm at it

oh, instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want

your heart is a river that flows from your chest
through every organ your brain is the dam
and i am the fish who can't reach the cord
*lightness by death cab for cutie

what if, this time, there'll be no one to chase away the blues.

harlequins 0 - 40 aylesford 

today was the testimonial match for TW and MA who have been with the club for ten years. we played against aylesford, one of two clubs battling it out for promotion to our league. attitude going into a match is so important, after all, you can't blame the other team for warming up longer you did, for having something to prove, for wanting it more than you, you can't blame the other team for winning a match you were quite willing to not win. regretably speaking, i didn't play well today either, 50 minutes on the wing and i had to miss two crucial tackles, make several stupid decisions, and come home with a sad face. sometimes you wonder what's the point of it all. you tell me?

take out those legs.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS