bush eat ball 

kicking practice went a little crazy today. so i was alone in the field under the drizzle working on my kicks, i still can't quite get the control consistent, but that didn't stop me from having some serious fun out there. anyway back to the story, having decided to go home after getting five good kicks, i booted the last one and watched as it flew into the sky, curved down in an arc... and smashed right smack into the line of bushes separating the field from the pavement. o_____o wtf feeling all round. what to do, had to pretend that my face was hidden inside a brown bag and start digging at the bush for my rugby ball. dang, must have looked real chav to the annoying tourists. with the ball still nowhere in sight after spending ten minutes with half of me in the bush itself, i had little choice but to run home to get alien to accompany me in this embarrassing stance. in the end we did find the ball, suspended between some greedy branches, stupid bush eat my ball for what!

wish we could train together, two man rugby, yep.

national 7s 

my exam timetable was actually almost perfect, because ending earlier than everyone else meant that i could play in the national 7s tournament with quins! 32 womens teams signed up for a summery day of rugby, partying, and camping at leighton buzzard rfc, that was the bright idea anyway, but today happened to be the wettest day in london, ever. mercilessly, it rained and rained and rained the entire day, the kind of rain that makes you want to sleep in when your alarm buzzes at 7am, tempts you to sit in the car to keep warm even when you have arrived at the grounds, and taunts you to run into the clubhouse for hot tea the moment you strip to your playing kit. i thought this was supposed to be SUMMER, buggers.

but for rugby, we will brave fire and storm. even as we became soaked through, we smiled when jimmy and t teamed up to score the opening try agains sarries II, when t literally jumped about like a madwoman to keep warm, when spanky finally arrived and stood in the miserable weather yelling 'we love the rain'. i guess, me too, i hate rain every other day, but somehow i found that there was nothing i wanted to do but play, and for that i had to love the rain. we lost against sarries II, litchfield, and leeds, and won our last match the bowl qfinals against leighton buzzard but eventually gave them the by and packed up for a two hour drive back to london and a warm pub. the day's catch, spanky scored 3, cath 2, and t, reesy, and myself 1 each.

it's kinda sweet,that the only two times i've scored were in my first and last match for quins. i had decided and attempted to put less feelings into the people and places i would never be able to keep in my coming and going kind of life, yet in the end as reesy drove me to the clapham junction rail station, i still felt sad. but it's okay, the opportunities and experience have become a part of me, and time and space cannot change the fact that we will all still be playing the same beautiful game. when people ask me about the decision and why i made it, i always give the easy answer that i've always wanted to be there. truth is, that would not have meant anything if i did not believe that this was a chance to become better. it's a risk, but a challenge worth rising up to. wherever i go, i carry the same goal; it's just You and me, and a dream that is not too small for Your eyes nor too big for Your hands. today You kept Your promise, this time i must honour mine.

i love rain.
* * *
i learnt that only when you start admiting and stop being ashamed of your inadequacies, then will the road to improvement open up. i learnt that if you lack the brilliance to achieve great things, depending on your teammates will take you one step closer. i learnt that the effort that is required will never diminish, but your progress will never stop either. i learnt that the worst shitass circumstances offer the most exciting prospect of turning things round i learnt that as long as you do not give up, there is always hope.

there is freedom within 

the end. bigfathugs to azukibean for studybuddy sessions, happyfying chats, wakeup texts, postpaper calls, and prayers all round; to fungus for homemade barley(!), saving me from madness, pushing me to work a little harder with every short email, and dreaming the sports and sun summer dream with me; and to alien for rescuing me from the jaws of international bloody econ. the end it is, of three years of undegraduate life, i do know where i would like to be next year and in the years to come, but london will always be special.

i just realized that there's lots and lots and lots of stuff to be settled between now and grad. mehhh, i just wanna lie in bed and be a slug for a bit can a not? i also realized that my camera is now a useless piece of metal after it conked out on fungus and myself during our long awaited dimsum lunch at pingpong. walaueh! anyways will rest and fret later then, it's rugby filled weekend ahead...I-KE!
* * *
enemy, you move swiftly. your sweet little attack caught me by surprise, but i'm not about to give up everything i have worked so hard for, and i'm not going to throw my dreams to the wind so easily. i can but i won't. i am certain that the time ahead will be test after test cast my way, but this is the only answer i am prepared to give.

'Therefore I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able test and approve what God's will is, His good, pleasing, and perfect will'.
-Romans 12:1-2

GV310 

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:31

dear hannah 

happy birthday my rugbypal =) the best times this year have been the ones spent on the field with you, fighting MAX, its been great since you came along.* * *

better is one day in Your courts
than thousands elsewhere
these words came up on a photo as i was browsing, it was on the exact slide that appeared on the screen behind hannie while she was leading praise night worship. by some sort of happenstance, these were the very words that came to me yesterday before the exam. life is never always going to be plain sailing, each time something clears up, something else pops out from nowhere, it's tough this way, so very painful, tormenting, and discouraging. but if better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere, then i will have to trust that i'll be okay. i know You love me, and that's all there is to it really.

EC315 

Be strong and of good courage. Do not fear nor be afraid of them, for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you.
-Deuteronomy 31:16

the excitables 

back to the library to regain some semblance of discipline and just, to keep away from the evil thing called the worldwideweb. there are some things worth remembering, like sneaking coffee in, getting coffee all over my hoodie, and feeling faint from too much coffee, or walking aimlessly around lincoln inns with her as a break, or losing sight of his head bobbing up and down the computer only to find him lying on the floor, or shitterbuggers who cannot shut up. can't wait for all this to be over and out so that good times can descend upon us; the anticipation of summer is sending my heart into overdrive.

1. watch london 7s at twickers
2. play in national 7s
3. moscow/st petersburg trip
4. suntanning trip
5. watch muse at wembley
6. watch mary poppins
7. norway/sweden trip
8. watch chicago
9. graduation
10. blacks

do the things that you always wanted to
without me there to hold you back don't think just do
more than anything i want to see you go
take a glorious bite out of the whole world
*you could be happy by snow patrol

the truth is that i miss you 

i am halfway through the annual torture now, having been put through two papers on the first day of the exams. the first paper was a first year accounting module and even though this was their first uni exam for most of the kids, i was as wrecked as them standing outside the exam room, how pathetic. i am acutely aware that this time round, i can no longer be the crazy competitive conscientious child that i have been for the past fifteen or so years of my academic life; there is only one thing that makes me burn right now and as much as i try to direct this motivation into studying, it doesn't seem to be working. this will all come back to bite me in the end, anything else would be His glory.

at the end of the day, it's the small things that make it a little better. YM for a text message the night before, LL for a text message like it has always been for the past two years, SL for calling me after my papers to ask how they went, and the other chums for remembering my exam dates, wake up calls, unexpected emails, and well wishes. sweet.

the next one, international econ, is the horror of horrors. really.

AC100, GV225 

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant, I was a brute beast before You. Yet I am always with You, You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
-Psalm 73:21-26

happy mother's day =) 

to the woman who washes my mudsoaked attire and even my contact lenses, the lady who waits up for me to cook me instant noodles after a night out clubbing, the person who taught me the value of humility, the one whose love i will never match up to, the chummy mummy. thank you, can't wait for summetimes.

there are days 

when mr. 12 was the gatekeeper, i found myself hurling myself at the gate in pain and in vain to be let in again, it hurt. it has taken me years to realize that being the gatekeeper is twice as unbearable because you now fight against two people,the gatecrasher and yourself. i cannot say that i wish to open the gate, it's a choice i'm making and not a rule i'm abiding; but sometimes, just sometimes i stop to imagine how nice it'd be in a world without gates.

i don't wanna make this too hard
but i just wanna be where You are
in Your life by Your side forever
*losing the love by joy enriquez

my rugbypal once wrote, "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart because if you are delighting in Him, your desires will be His desires after all". there is much to delight in in our Father, and for that i am truly blessed. 23:49 ya-ha!

23:52 

it's time to open up the memories of your past
and it's time to move on
it's time to open up the shadows of your heart
and it's time to move on

it's time to open up and shed a little light on your soul
cause the box you put your heartache in
got lost or swept out to sea
now it's time just to move on

cause it's a great time to live
and it's time to stand up and be counted on

and it's a long long road to carry on
i've got to stand up and be counted on
it's a long long road and i've got to be strong
*stand up by the feelers

middlesex 7s 

gave myself time off from studying today to play in the middlesex 7s tournament with quins. out of the 8 teams in the womens category, 5 were from the premiership clubs, 1 was the top british university team, and 2 were amateur clubs, that being us and the hammers who ended up lending players to each other as well. the premiership clubs brought their internationals with them and to be perfectly honest, just standing opposite the lean mean sarries on the field was enough to give the shit-in-the-pants feeling. but 7's is sweet! having not played 7's in some time, i had to work on readjusting to the mechanics of the game and i realized, 7's is really another ball game altogether compared to 15s. while 15's will always be the all round beautiful game, 7's is alot about the sharp piercing runs that create such brilliant plays, tres thrilling. there was one player, Alice R. who absolutely blew my mind, put the ball in her hands and her legs will take them to the tryline regardless of how many players she has to get past, i can't even begin to describe that kind of brilliance; and she's only 19. for the record, her team richmond defeated saracens convincingly in the finals.

of course we were never going to own the tournament, but i rediscovered my love for 7's and relished the fun of playing with the very teammates i feel most comfortable playing with. T (hello there?) scored a stunning running try, T you are one secret speed machine and this says that the one during suemoloney was not a fluke at all hey =D what a star.

i really want to improve and can't wait to play more! but for now econ is crying out to me and i am crying from it as well,seeing as it is nine days(!) to my final undergraduate exams. i have to admit it is rather disturbing that this is one area in my life in which the concept of motivation is totally nonexistant. yelps.

stand up and be counted on.

it's too late 

i never let you know, i never forgave you for that one thing that changed everything. but just so you know, i never forgave myself for not forgiving you either.

broken this fragile thing now
and i can't i can't pick up the pieces
and i've thrown my words all around
but i can't i can't give you a reason

here i go so dishonestly
leave a note for you my only one
and i know you can see right through me
so let me go and you will find someone

here i go scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go but there's just no one that gets me like you
you are my only my only one
*only one by yellowcard

maydaymayday 

so i've somehow managed to shove my head into the wall (oww.) while vacuuming and now i sport a bloodied scar on my forehead not unlike harry potter's. what a great start to may.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS