high and mighty 

"he may think he is great, but in my eyes he is nothing. i just let him think what he wants." my mum puts it perfectly. men have a pride that is insufferable, a pride that is impossible to pry open, or understand, and is senseless, self-destructive, and sickening, even repulsive. there are some people that i know i will never ever be able to reach even if i spend a million years trying, to think that the man i've known all twenty one years of my life is one of them. if my best is not enough for you, then i will take my best and give it to something else worth trying for. i will fucking protect myself because i don't think i am as shite as you think i am.

we are off to scandinavia. to be honest, i can't wait to get home, like home home.* * *
dear seventhfeb, you made me feel better by just being the you that is you, i don't know if this makes sense at all, but thank you. dear seventhjuly, i wish we could just talk, but it's all wrong place wrong time at the mo, don't worry though.

WAAARGH 

I NEED TO RUN.

but as it stands, i can only manage good days and bad days in alternate. one day i'm fine and dandy for a solid run on the threadmill, and the next day i'm totally blasted out with some crazy stabbing pain in the knee, and then i'm good to go again. this won't fucking do. alright i am going on a self-imposed two week break, for real, how very cruel.

play the game 

have you ever had the feeling, when you kick the ball up into the air, that your heart clings to the ball and flies high into the blue sky as well. that feeling, i can't put it into words, but maybe rugby is love says it best. i have trained hard and played hard because i am burning to get ahead and closer to my dreams but i am now sure that there is a little something more than that, it's the feelings i have been blessed to feel when i play the game. hopefully with this minor epiphany, i won't feel like giving up again even when i'm falling behind.

my weak and youthful dreams were almost destroyed
they remained as i had envisioned them long ago
before i realized it my heart was on fire
yes over time i came to grips with reality
even if i was hurt even if i cried
even if i fell apart you were always with me
there's a stage that glimmers with blue light
and i've taken my first step to it
i'll take my story that i timidly opened up to you
and change it into an endless vow
at the stage that glimmers with blue light
what kind of me will be waiting there
for now please continue to watch over me
you are closer to me than anyone else
*hungry heart wild striker opening theme

the sad/bad/mad thing is... i hurt my the back of my knee joint while practising my kicks lastnight. it is a sharp pain when i move my leg and becomes excruciating on the threadmill. this is terrible, i hope i can run by tomorrow or else i would be really =(

give me a chance to hold on 

its been awhile,but i still won't get over it. the scene that day of me and your pandora's box, alone in the room trying to compose myself before the chatter from outside caught up with me, that still won't go away. what i found in the box reminded me all over again that summer can be so dark, summer with its hot still air and cloying stickiness. gravest of all, where we come from and look forward to returning to, it is perpetual summer.

you don't owe me an explanation, but i would like to listen. i believed because you showed me your reason for believing and i saw that it was real. even if you choose to change your mind now, i won't change mine, but the burden is mine to bear. it's as though the ground beneath my feet has caved in without warning, i have almost fallen through and am painfully clutching at this ground i once stood firmly on with only my bare fingertips, painstakingly lifting myself back onto the firm foundation.

'You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love'. -Galations 5:13

musing over muse 

muse was bliss; what a gig, deservedly the first rock concert at wembley-fucking-stadium, in the words of my chemical romance which was one of the three opening acts of the day. mari went delirious over 'starlight', and my posion was of course 'unintended'. bliss =) summer is for days like this, not giving a hoot about time going by, relishing each other's company in the comfortable knowing silence.

another great part was running out of the train and across half of the platform to grab mari by her blazer and to pull her into the same train i had just ran out from. it's the kind of stuff 19 year olds do hey, but it all felt strangely familiar, it's always me being late and mari grunting at me. not many days like this left now, so thank you muchly for this one =)

far away
the ship is taking me far away
far away from my memories
of the people who care if i live or die

starlight
i will be chasing your starlight
until the end of my life
i don't know if it's worth it anymore

our hopes and expectations
black holes and revelations
*starlight by muse

nua-ing in nice 

day 1: airport, tan, sleep, dinner, sleep.
day 2: breakfast, town, lunch, tan, dinner, sleep.
day 3: breakfast, tan, port, lunch, airport, dinner.

it is really impossible to exercise while travelling, bigfatsigh.

roughing out russia 

sighting and seeing
moskva river, red square, winter palace


whining and dining
cheese fondue!!! at cheesehole, shashilik at kishmish, japanese at yakitoria


moscow architecture
unknown cathedral, st. basil's cathedral, cathedral of christ the saviour


st. petersburg architecture
kazan cathedral, st. petersburg mosque, the hermitage


sleeper train from moscow to st. petes8 hour ride in a dingy train between the cities, but good times compared to return journey which was a 12 hour ride on a hard seat in an open carriage, hugging our belongings for fear of getting gassed and mugged o_O


happy three friendsmy favourite moments? a toss up between doing sit-ups with her on our beds and the three of us sitting by the pavement singing up emo chinese songs, hehe.

bye bye love 

7-9 june: moscow
10-13 june: st. petersburg
14-16 june: nice cote d'azur
17 june: muse 'live' at wembley

next ten days. what am i doing taking a ten day break from running to travel around just after hitting 23:41, i really don't know, arrrgh. but okay i shall stop being a wet blanket, would be good to take a break and spend some time with friends seeing the lands i have always wanted to see. acid test for the other ten day break in july as well. so seeya!

dear sarah 

happy birthday, i miss you to the ends of the world and back. -hugs-

world hold on 

wacha been up to? getting a good dose of sports anime of course, eyeshield 21, whistle, aoki densetsu shoot, major, and captain tsubasa; i've also caught pirates III at the cinema and the virgin suicides and world trade centre in bed. the stuff in those anime have actually taught me many things, much needed motivation for the gymming and kickballing trainings. more than satisfied my sashimi craving over sushi buffet with j, and two days later with a mound of sushi that found its way to sy's dining table while i was over having dins with her, it was a sweet night that one, with sy and her housemates and who would have guessed mari =) spent a sunday with loh in conversation and out shopping, after 6 months of not shopping at all... that is if you discount holiday shopping and online shopping for rugby stuff. i also went to portobello market and returned with two books and two cupcakes, cute right. been doing some packing as well but at snail's pace, like maybe one shoebox of stuff a day. and the next couple of days will see me taking up egg-citing day jobs as a suitcase mover and card deliverer, something like that =)

nostalgia will not be allowed to rear its head this time. i love this place and am sometimes tempted to weep for the last time doing this and that. but i don't have to. the london i have lived and loved the past 3 years have made me who i am today, it lives in me as i've lived in it, and nothing i do in the next 3 weeks can change that. memory doesn't need trying.

if you ever meet your inner child don't cry
tell them everything is gonna be alright
*world hold on by bob sinclair
* * *
for once i feel like going with you but you won't be there. how ironic.

miss lousy =P 

hey you, don't give up. everyone has their uptimes and downtimes along the way, i've had them too, but you have to decide how bad you want to win. as long as i am able to, i will work twice as hard for myself and for you so that whenever you are ready, i will be in a position to pull you up okay? we're a team, you lose it, and i will lose it in time as well.

and i can't lose it.

2006 and forever 

words fall out of my mouth
and i can't seem to trace what i'm saying
everybody wants your time
i'm just dreaming out loud
i can't have you for mine and i know it
i just wanna watch you shine

when the light falls on your face
don’t let it change you
when the stars get in your eyes
don’t let them blind you

you're beautiful just the way you are
and i love it all every line and every scar
and i wish that i could make you see
this is where you ought to be come down to me
*come down to me by saving jane
* * *
"Dare you believe in the dreams that God has placed in your heart and soul? And baptise yourself in the waters that He has prepared, and let the tide sweep you into its amazing way of things, and not look back, not turn away when you have your moments? No matter how big and small? Every thing that comes our way has Him within it. Every friend, every trial, every sorrow, every pain, every idea, every hug, every scripture, every celebration, every funeral is His burning bush, calling you". what opportune and beautiful words, z.

today we are one year further from you, yet one year closer to our dreams. the journey there has and will be a lonely one, but because you're watching, i will keep going.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS