land of the free 

the last send-off. thank you my loving parents, lovely ladies, and beloved cousin behind the camera for making this goodbye bearable for the emotional coward that is me. thank you my fat friend for accompanying me at each pitstop with text messages and phone calls. thank you Lord for sending me guardian angels along the way as i made this journey alone.

the moment i set my eyes on the highways of new york as the shuttle pulled out of jfk airport, i knew that this city was gonna be liveable. but it is also flashy, chaotic, and jarring. it sometimes feels like i've actually arrived in some part of africa, or spain, if only because of the overwhelming immigrant pressence, not only around harlem where i live but even along the glitzy streets of times square. i spent the past two days running myself ragged trying to set up life from scratch only to miss the familiarity of london and the comforts of singapore. this afternoon i was downtown choosing a laundry basket after picking up a dozen of other barangbarang on my list and i thought of you. what did you do to have to endure all that i have put you through? perhaps being special to me is but your misfortune.

275 days, too short to fall in love with nyc yet too long to live in discontent. damn!

honestly what will become of me
i don't like reality
it's way too clear to me
but really life is daily
we are what we don't see
we missed everything daydreaming

travelling i always stop at exits
wondering if i'll stay
young and restless living this way i stress less
i want to pull away when the dream dies
the pain sets in and i don't cry
i only feel gravity and i wonder why

flames to dust lovers to friends
why do all good things come to an end
*all good things by nelly furtado

summer of 2007 

this summer has been sweet and sad the same. i would say stinging too, but saved by the company of true friends and a raw will to make the best out of these six weeks. personal thank yous are due, but i'm afraid doing so might make me miss these days too much for my own good. i won't forget the good times i've had with each one of you, and if there's anything left to say, i must have done so in some way or other =) love you all.

"Last year Villanelle came by in her boat, as close as she could get, and let off fireworks. One exploded so high that I almost touched it and for a second I thought I might drop down after those falling rays and touch her too, once more. Once more, what difference could it make to be near her again? Only this. That if I start to cry I will never stop."
-from 'The Passion' by Jeanette Winterson

it feels almost like when i started my first year in london three years ago, everything down to the circumstances i've found myself in. nobody said it was easy, but i can only go and come back a stronger person.

and i will leave under the cover of summer's kiss upon the sky
like the stone face of your lover just before she says goodbye
i was thinking that the season could be held between my arms
but just as summer's hold is fleeting i was here but now i'm gone
*so long, so long by dashboard confessional

feeling the black and blues 

BM7s, it has been two days of incredible highs and horrible lows. to dad, mum, dennis, jasmine, puisan, jon, sarah, meiling, jas chan, and candice who came down to support, thank you because it meant a lot. for 8 months i had waited for this, of course it didn't turn out the way i dreamt it to; there were moments, at the end of everything, where i wanted to throw my fists at God and ask why did He shortchange me. i think i know the answer, it's just that i can't find the guts to admit it. yet when i close my eyes, i still see us in a huddle listening to our captain tell us we had to find it within ourselves to fight for every ball, i still hear my teammates yelling at my mistakes, i still feel the sweat down my face and the extreme fatigue in my limbs as each match went on, i still remember the thrill that came from taking my opposite scrumhalf down, i still curse at every tackle i missed, i still want to play. muddy's was crazy fun as well, but that's not what i will miss, being on the field is what i will miss. now that it's over, i'm back to square one with nothing to my name save for the scars and bruises that have invaded assorted parts of my body. but we know that scars, whether physical or emotional, heal with time, what's to come in a year's time, who can say.
* * *
baby i love you so much
baby you hurt me so bad

that there are actually two persons i would say these words to suggests that i'm either being very emo or just very foolish. don't blink it's over.

these twists and turns 

let it go let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know the hardest part is over
let it in let your clarity define you
in the end we will only just remember how it feels

let it slide let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders these twists and turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours still remain

all of my regret will wash away somehow
but i cannot forget the way i feel right now
*little wonders by rob thomas

i like this song. it brings me comfort. it reminds me of the moments where i felt alive when i least expected to. it illuminates my dark painful moments the same way those who love me have done so. it's only the end of august, but it feels as though my year ends here. from day one i saw this day coming but it has been nothing like i expected; in the end i didn't have to fight, they didn't give me a chance to, i didn't have to flee, she didn't give me a chance to, i didn't have to choose, He didn't give me a chance to. expect the unexpected baby. i will go sleep now, later when i wake up i will take a deep breath, go send my love to an old friend, and let the next five days play themselves out. Matthew 19:26.

what is courage? it is standing still while your opponent sprints off at the sound of the starting gunshot. what is risk? it is leaping off your trapeze to catch the other bar even when your hands may miss. what is surrender? it is losing the battle but winning the war. what is important to you?

don't you know the hardest part is over.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS