the septemberists 

dear oddshaped ball, 

not a day goes by without me missing you. it may seem okay when rationalized from a sanguine standpoint, at least that's what i try to say, but it's not. it kills that i chose to come up here even if it meant the risk of losing you, and things had to turn out exactly that way. it kills that i could have chosen to remain where we were in all certainty, and we could have reached such great heights going at it every week, especially with the company of rugbypal; but i didn't. i was attracted to the new adventure, but i miss the unparalleled highs of oddshaped ball life. if, after these eight months, i'm still alive, will you welcome me home?

but you gave me the best mixtape i have
and even all the bad songs ain't so bad
i just wish there was so much more than that
about me and you
*mixtape by butch walker

love, me

dear me, 

if you don't feel like being there, don't force yourself. and if you want to be there two nights a week with the mentality that you are not good enough to be there, don't bother going. the level of play may be out of your league, but don't insult the people you play with by playing them half-heartedly. don't insult your past coaches and old teammates. don't insult yourself. if you think they are going to bulldoze you, they will; if you think they aren't going to bulldoze you, they probably still will. let's face it, you will be bulldozed. but be aware that if this is something you cannot handle, then you may not be the right person for the person you want to be, and all your dreams shall mean nothing henceforth.

it's your life, many other people have moved on to other things and are living just fine, you too are not obliged to keep at it for the sake of it. yes it's your life, there are innumerable ways you can choose to spend it, go hang out, chill out, pig out, work out, and pass out as much as you feel like it. in fact you should. but surely, you know that nothing sends you flying the way the words "well done" from a coach or teammate does.

the best advice i have for you is ultimately this: if you are not happy doing it, you will find something else that completes you; if you are happy doing it,step up to it. have some pride. be brave. be confident. be humble.

love, me

hello my friend 

hello my friend we meet again
it's been a while where should we begin feels like forever
within my heart are memories
of perfect love that you gave to me oh i remember
when you are with me i'm free
i'm care-less i believe
above all the others we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes my sacrifice

we've seen our share of ups and downs
oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant
it feels so good to reunite
within yourself and within your mind let's find peace there
when you are with me i'm free
i'm care-less i believe
above all the others we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes my sacrifice
*my sacrifice by creed

i chose this path and had to follow through with it. going on alone with the choice i had made has been hard, really hard. but how could i have, even for the slightest moment, forgotten the torment that came with the pretense,the betrayal. i chose this path and have no regrets, only pain. so give me time, let me stand up on my own feet first, and i will find my way back once i am certain that i will not be brought to my knees by the same things ever again. be right back, my friend =)

falling in fall 

our college rugby team pulled out of the league because of a sudden administrative crisis. pardon me, but, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.

summer has come and past the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
ring out the bells again like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again becoming who we are
as my memory rests but never forget what i lost
wake me up when september ends
*when me up when september ends by green day

we complicate life too much. all questions can be answered in just a yes or a no, no need for the maybes, the it depends, the in betweens, the excuses, those only sweeten the yes or soften the no but nothing else. i threw open my cards yesterday to get to warlord knowing that it can only turn out as a yes or a no, the outcome was my ass being kicked with a no which sent me crashing from the clouds. failed on my first try so i'll hang up my wings now.

i received some love in the mail yesterday, but these successive disappointments are destroying my week. i can only see lights dimming and tunnels looming.

freedom of speech 

the president of iran, mahmoud ahmadinejad spoke at the columbia university world leaders forum this afternoon, amidst a climate of furor and fury from among the student population and the wider political and media circles. i skipped class to watch the speech with hundreds of others on the south lawn where it was beamed 'live' from the restricted auditorium onto an outdoor screen. the introductory remarks by university president lee bollinger was rousing but unprofessional, throwing words like "petty and cruel dictator", "ridiculous", "astonishingly uneducated", and "absurd" around. many of us felt that this was uncalled for. when it was his turn to speak, mr. ahmadinejad did himself no favours by waffling aimlessly about science and dogma for most of his speech. it was only towards the end of his 'sermon' and during the highly acerbic q&a session did the critical issues of israel, terrorism, the holocaust, homosexually, women's rights, ground zero, nuclear capability, usa-iran relations come up. these were contested, sidestepped, and thrown back and forth in varying degrees, i would discuss each of them further but shall not do it here. what i was convinced of today though, is that while iran is no angel, the same must be said for the usa; i hate the heartlessness of mr. ahmadinejad but i hate the hypocrisy of amerika just as much.


i believe the quote of the day by mr. ahmadinejad would have to be this classic one:
"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country. ... In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it".
(transcript/video of the speech can be found here).

it made everyone knit our brows in amusement, but in my humble and honest opinion, there are two important things to be recognized. first, while i disagree with what mr. ahmadinejad is saying, as with the western educated who will find it wrong, or harsh, or unequal, we cannot deny that this is the legitimate and prevailing mindset of peoples from other cultures, particularly in the middle east and africa. second, if usa wishes to confer enemy status on iran, it should do it on more justifiable grounds than these amblypambly human rights issues involving homosexuality, or women's rights, for example. usa herself took a fair amount of time to institutionalize homosexual rights, and more importantly, you and i know that there are far too many other states with the same stance on homosexuality but why is usa not taking any action or interest? one word, hypocrisy.

international politiks can be so ugly. and yet, that's the way our world works.

into the wild 

it has been a wow weekend, except for the fact that our match on sunday got cancelled, story of my life. anyway. i like chilling out at lenox lounge with FM and AN over jazz musik by monty alexander and band. i like amaretto sours. i like going to the cinema with the same posse. i like the movie'into the wild',it was occasionally insane but truly overwhelming. i like getting to know new friends from old places over fellowship. i like the church and lunch and jappa juice way of spending sunday morning with EK, AH, RO, and AY. i like studying at butler library, going to the gym, then back to butler. i like walking home to the soft chill of the night, iced coffee in hand. i like the ethos at columbia, where people work hard, but also play hard and work out hard. i like knowing that today will be an exciting day because the president of iran, mahmoud ahmadinejad will be speaking on campus, and that a full scale protest has been planned. i like thinking of ways to show up at your room to watch rugby.

someone told me yesterday i should give new york more of a chance and"cheat on london". what a cute way to put it. but well said, after all singapore cheated on me (in a way) as well, so i guess i could cheat on london and open my arms to new york =) i think i already have.

still i'll always miss you... SC, MS, XW, CL, MK, YT, LL, HC, JC, JT, bossey the bad dog =)


"happiness is only real when shared". -into the wild

a change of seasons 

i’ll always remember the chill of november the news of the fall
the sounds in the hall the clock on the wall ticking away
seize the day i heard him say life will not always be this way
look around and hear the sound another time like this can’t be found

your ribbing makes me laugh out loud.

so far so few between my eyes filled full with desire fulfilled
all my dreams came true all the world and all of you
everyday there’s a constant reminder of all the pleasures we shared together
love is not just a passing word it’s a state of heart that goes on forever

your surname makes me hungry.

i was blinded by a paradise utopia high in the sky
the love there will never come away deep in sorrow wandering faraway
i stood outside in the rain for us i tried to work out all of the pain for us
i sat alone and took the blame for us my mind has torn and gone insane for us

your eyes make me melt.

i’m much wiser now a lifetime of memories run through my head
memories they taught me for better or worse alive or dead
i realize there’s no turning back life goes on the offbeaten track
*a change of seasons by dream theatre

your appearance makes tomorrow different.

you've got to make choices 

tonight i feel a little glow inside. i still haven't figured out why i came to this city, but i'm slowly and surely warming up to it. it's been busy but refreshing, daunting but humbling, trying but challenging; survivng the insanely intimidating class every wednesday, finding my way back to rugby, making new friends, hanging on to old friends, impromptu dinner plans, gymming, strolling, laughing. i have stopped asking myself what am i doing here, that's too self-defeating. this may never get as good as what i had before, but what the heck it's truly my last year of fun,freedom,and living the dream overseas, thank You for providing for me, i'm gonna give it one good go.

i believe everything happens for a reason. i believe it's all gonna be alright. i believe in life.

doing everything that i believe in
going by the rules that i’ve been taught
more understanding of what’s around me
and protected from the walls of love

no point in talking what you should have been
and regretting the things that went on
life’s full of mistakes destinies and fate
remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

and all that you see is me
and all i truly believe

that i was born to try i’ve learned to love
be understanding and believe in life
but you’ve got to make choices be wrong or right
sometimes you’ve got to sacrifice the things you like
*born to try by delta goodrem

rewriting the ending 

you, do you remember me like i remember you
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time
cause i, i walk the streets alone
i hate being on my own and everyone can see that
i really fell and i'm going through hell
thinking about you with somebody else

how, how did we go wrong it was so good and now it's gone
and i pray at night that our paths soon will cross
what we had isn't lost
cause you are always right here in my thoughts

somebody wants you somebody needs you
somebody dreams about you every single night
somebody can't breathe without you it's lonely
somebody hopes that one day you will see that somebody's me
*somebody's me by enrique iglesias

i have been hiding for very long, too long, just because there are pains i can bear but truths i cannot handle. questions i don't ask because i know you will not give me answers, or even because i am afraid of the answers; words i don't say because i have but lost faith in the use of words; flights i don't book because if i have to deal with another hello-goodbye affair i might collapse from it all.

the two lohs in my life have said it clear and said it well, those reasons don't convince them. deep down inside it's the same for me, i just chose to convince myself because i am stupid like that. it's hard to stop being stupid, it's hard to sleep through bad dreams, it's f-ing hard. but i don't want to stand in the fire and let the flames sting me, i want to come out alive. yes, every single day will be a good day, not just another day closer to going home.

fights i don't fight because winning and losing feels the same, both equally excruciating.

113th and broadway 

good news, i have moved out of the ghettos to my new place in morningside three blocks from campus! i probably won't be able to save enough for a car next year but what matters is that the next 8 months will be kind to me;living in this huge room in an elegant apartment with beautiful sidewalks all around. the past two and a half weeks have been nothing but sleepless nights and 8am mornings, an ordeal that seemed to have no end, but now i think i'm ready for new york. i've received love from the usual and the unexpected, thank you...

Yifang for being there for me in my best and worst times. there has been so much shite going on but you always make me feel better each time talk about the funniest things and dream of our eternal summer over msn. i can't wait to see you again.

Candice Lee for taking it upon yourself to see that i get out of my old place in the shortest possible time. we haven't spoken for two(?) years but friends will always be friends hey.

Matthew for taking the time to dish out ideas after ideas, advice after advice to me. we don't talk often but i always appreciate it when we do.

Derek for looking out for me in this land of stangers, for being my back-up money lender with no questions asked, and for the delish japanese dinner tonight.

Farah for listening to me, caring for me, and standing by me in this mad mad city.

Sarah, Meiling, Xinyan, Candice, Marianne, Justin, Karen, Liz for your prayers, they are powerful beyond measure.

Mummy for keeping me sane, and grounded, every minute of the day.

God for providing for me in a way that feels almost too good to be true. there have been tormenting, traumatic, and torturous moments i have had to face all by myself, but You have seen me through it all. the day when i was walking back to campus convinced by the futility and impossiblity of the battle i was up against, You walked right in and rescued me. for the number of times i have failed You, You never once did.

ground zero 

it has been six years since our television screens beamed images of the twin towers collapsing into dust before our disbelieving eyes, it was the night before my chemistry exam, we all have our personal memories of that day. waking up to grey skies today, farah and myself got onto the subway for ground zero; yet everywhere, there was no mention of the numbers 911. the concourse and footpaths around ground zero were not as packed out as i had expected them to be, but many people had came, the conspiracy theory lobbyists, the wide eyed tourists, and loved ones clasping photos of the dead. it's not like i am an amerikaphile, but standing there in the light drizzle with the tribute song resonating the line 'i will comfort you' in the background was a sobering experience.

an ocean of humanity some wash up along the street
it's hard to keep in stepping round hard to keep that frame of mind
trying to move with the sun gives the illusion that we're one
i'll be running next to you we do what we need to

i will comfort you
i will comfort you
*comfort you by cyndi lauper

by the time we got back to school, the skies had burst open on us, and we ran to the cafeteria wet as seals. studying at the lounge after lunch proved to be too comfortable to be productive, i dozed off at every line i read and woke up only when farah returned from her cig break. it was funny how she stormed in past the glass doors to chuckle at me curled up in a ball in the snug black armchair. tea to the rescue after that, it's been a good day.

except that i need to go back to the gym soon. when can new york start for real?

i knew you would come back 

this is really the united states of absurdity. this kid says she wants to play scrumhalf when she has only played winger for one season, and then this twit claims she played flyhalf at high school but has forgotten how to tackle, wtf i am not a bloody fool. but worst of all, there is the kantou-kun who instructs his backs not to bother with putting the correct foot forward while expecting the ball, and who doesn't see a point in teaching the rookies how to tackle because they will instinctively pull at jerseys and socks and whatever to stop the opponent in a match anyway. wtf tackling is fundamental to rugby, you don't get them hits right and the other team is going to have a field day smashing past you. i am frustrated, and i know, i'm not the only one. oh, it has been a standing joke that the amerikans cannot tell their left from their right, i don't give a damn really, but the issue is that on the rugby field this can be pretty damn catastrophic. WAAARGH.

the only saving grace perhaps, is the appearance of the girl-to-watch-out for at last night's training. finally someone i can watch hard, learn from, and chase after. U 2 3 E a g l e s... got a feeling this is gonna be interesting baby.

i would have worried more about wugby, but there are more critical problems to deal with right now, so you'll have to wait a little love.

i’ve seen it a thousand times all the fire we had before
are now just bitter ashes left scattered on the floor
*pieces by rascal flatts

dear laraine 

we've had our moments... big or small, long or short, happy or sad, i mizz them all. i can't bake you butterscotch cookies this time (and i bet you're secretly happy), but i'm sending you love across the atlantic. bear hug!

everybody hurts sometimes 

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don’t bother me
i can take a few tears now and then and just let them out, i’m not afraid
to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone, still upsets me
there are days every now and again i pretend i’m okay, but that’s not what gets me

it’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go, but i’m doing it
it’s hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i’m alone, still harder
getting up getting dressed living with this regret but i know, if i could do it over
i would trade give away all the words that i saved in my heart, that i left unspoken

what hurts the most is being so close
and having so much to say and watching you walk away
and never knowing what could have been
and not seeing that loving you is what i was trying to do
*what hurts the most by rascal flatts

the way, the truth, and the life 

this is the 'Desert Pete' story Ravi Zacharias shared at his dialogue with columbia university last year, quoted in my own words.

A man was travelling across a desert and had almost consumed all the water he had carried with him. As he became more thirsty, he stumbled upon a tin can. The tin can was empty but in it was a note that read, "Burried under this is a bottle of water. Do not drink it, but empty it into the tin can so that a suction system will be set up and water will flow out abundantly. Fill up all the bottles you have with you but don't forget to bury one bottle of water under the sand for the next traveller". The final message on the note was this, "You may be tempted to drink up the bottle of water I have buried under the sand because you can see it, but I guarantee you that if you do, you will only become thirsty again very soon, and the people who have followed you will also thirst with you".

this story conveyed a powerful message to me. many times we try to live our lives on our own terms, thinking that our lives can be complete, even perfect, with the people and things we have set our hearts upon. unfortunately the same thing always happens, after a while we become thirsty again. like the man travelling across the desert, we can choose to endure this soul-twisting thirst recurringly and live selfishly, or we can drink from His water of life and be a source of sustenance for the people around us. it's that simple. incidently, the daily bible verse on my facebook today was this: 'O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You. My soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.' -Psalm 63:1. wow, Lord.

i come to you Lord, with nothing to offer. i have broken every promise i have made to You and i have turned away from You when everything i had dreamed of started to fall short and fall apart. i remember at the end of the big day which ended in quiet disappointment not too long ago, i asked You what's the point and walked away into my own darkness. i am sorry. maybe pouring the bottle of water into the tin can may hurt for a while, or even longer, but to be thirsty again and again is a pain that has no cure. Father, i need You tonight.

lost in translation 

i was webcamming with xiaobai when something that made me laugh so hard came up...

her: eh you look very comfortable in your house
her: see you like damn relaxed like that
me: comfortable your head outside all blacks ah
me: hahaha
her: all blacks your favourite what
her: all blacks new zealand rugby team

i sometimes still wake up wondering what am i doing in this city. it's conversations like this that give me power to face the day, but also make me miss everything else more acutely. thank you my dears for being with me on msn, through email, in prayer, and in dreams of dogs and chain-link fences. heart lots. will give the lowdown on school and the works when i'm less tired out, just photocopied 800 pages of reading today. welcome to amerika.

home of the brave 

it's been almost a week into new york new york. it has been a constant pendulum swing back and forth from feeling the blues to feeling the love, a mismash of every feeling from displacement to excitement to despair to courage to regret to belief to fear to peace. maybe it's to do with the place i go home to every day but if something good is to come out of this, it is that it has humbled me, shaken me hard, and opened my eyes to the charmed life i had always led in singapore and london.

i guess it's gonna be a long year; a long year defined, and softened, by the people who will make their way to my side. on saturday, heather my third year lse wrfc mate who was here for a day to catch a flight back to seattle, got together with me to explore times square, central park, union square, and east village. even though we were never that close, it was nice just hanging out with an old teammate in a new city recounting the london days. today, after two years, sharon my dearest first year lse wrfc mate and i finally made good on our grand plan to get together in new york. she took me out for lunch, showed me around campus as a proud alumni, and brought me to meet the boyfriend. as i laughed and frowned at the antics of the both of them at the taco diner, i marvelled at how we had arrived at this day, this fine day which we had dreamt up two years ago. more have said they would come, AC, DS, KF, PC, TT, WH, YT, i hope to see you guys soon.

there is a prize i cannot touch, but i cannot stop pacing the road around the out of bounds zone just to stay close; because even if this circle hurts, at least it never ends.

i've been living with a shadow overhead
i've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
i've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past i just can't seem to move on

i've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case i ever need them again someday
i've been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love

i've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
i've been searching but i just don't see the signs
i know that it's out there
there's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

i've been looking for someone to shed some light
not somebody just to get me through the night
i could use some direction
and i'm open to your suggestions

and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end
*way back into love by hugh grant and drew barrymore

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS