the octoberists 

high five coach 

nice run, whoop! it is winding down quite nicely now, although most of it had been nothing but one setback after another. i got so much less than i had dared to hope for, and at times i seriously doubted, stopped to contemplate my purpose; but i guess i did learn some things along the way, even if i didn't want or plan to. it's getting wintry, just a couple more and then we'll look forward to spring season together =)
* * *
first midterm exam tomrrow, it's gonna be nasty and i shouldn't be here.

i dream of better days 

this was last weekend, when things weren't that bad yet, and FM, AN, and i could afford to sneak downtown past midnight on friday for some sangria and shisha. feels like yesterday, if only because the past week had been so harrowing that i had barely existed. the weekend is here again but there's no chance to stop for some play, just full on studying ahead...

...except for rugby this morning, first club match since the first and only college match five weeks ago. it had been raining for two days straight, the home pitch was at no man's island, and i didn't play the way i wish i had; but still, felt good. i dream of better days, but maybe it's not the days that should change, but my dreams. i am just not good enough for them.

the broken clock is a comfort it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best like you've already figured out

the broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
i may have lost my way now haven't forgotten my way home
*broken by lifehouse

lights will guide you home 

"it has been awful for as long as i can remember", she wrote. i feel those words. some days i wonder how and why did it get so intense, where do answers hide, who will catch my sighs, and when will i ever rest again.i have never felt so weighed down on so many fronts before. there is a perverse pleasure to these 4am nights, or mornings if that's what they're called, but if this goes on i will collapse. when i pound the threadmill, it's always yellowcard blasting everything is gonna be alright,everything is gonna be alright,everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe. is that true? because it has never felt more impossible than this.

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you everything will be alright
if i see you the storminess will turn to light
*storm by lifehouse

miles to go before i sleep 

to be conquered in the 14 weeks between now and next sem are 2 midterm exams, boston, london, 1 research presentation, 1 final exam, 2 research papers, brazil and argentina. the only grand strategy operative here is to slave at a tight work schedule every day from this precise moment forth. i am not sure if i can muster the discipline to pull this whole thing off, and the possibility that this can go very, very wrong is unsettling. what scaryshiz =/

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
'Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening' by Robert Frost

dear xinyan 

you mean so much to me, you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me strong. we've always done great miles apart, but i know we'll be even greater together. i'm thinking rugby and footie next time, in good old boot camp style. waddya think, hehehe.

i always thank God for someone like you in my life =)

east river park 

i will trek to the ends of this place just to get to you.

i miss rugby-is-love 

looking good hey, sadly that's the closest i've come to it in a while. i miss, so much.

vermont voyage 

it’s not that usual
when everything is beautiful
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
the sky knows when it's time to snow
you don’t need to teach a seed to grow
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
my first weekend trip out of nyc was to vermont, nicknamed the green mountain state, with derek, jason, and eve. the 6 hour amtrak train ride there ended up being almost 8 hours because a tree trunk somehow managed to lodge itself underneath the engine, well at least the train didn't malfunction and we easily amused ourselves with a pack of cards anyway. we spent the next two days driving into the red, orange, and gold splendour of the wild in the peak of fall, stopping at trails, forests, fields, parks, lakes, waterfalls, reservoirs to read poems (along the robert frost trail, how very beautiful), kick at the leaves, and chuck a frisbee or rugby ball. from our base in rutland, our roadtrips took us to waterbury, stowe, manchester, poultney, chittenden... and forgotten places. i love roadtrips. there's something liberating and intimate about them. would love to do one with my girls.

we also had other types of fun on our trip! we made a pitstop at the ben & jerry's factory to take a tour round the factory and flavour graveyard, and of course for a yummy cone in the slight drizzle. it was as eve said, an ice cream disneyland! we also chanced upon some outlet stores in the little towns where we stopped to have our meals, and i managed to get a polo ralph oxford shirt and polo tee for US$25 each! always a sucker for shirts. he-he.

the moment of the trip though, has got to be the morning at lake saint catherine where we stopped to play frisbee and sit by the lake afterwards. just as we were wowwing about how private the place was, three german shepherds came running at us and made me almost pee in my pants. i thought i would be safe standing behind derek, jason, and eve, but after the dogs jumped on them a little they came straight at me. yelps!!! they wanted the frisbee in my hands but of course by then my mind had stopped working and i had already imagined myself all mangled in a pool of blood. well none of that happened and their owners came by to get them in no time, but i think all my 'secret training' with friends and their small dogs got wiped out by that trauma. i think i'll stick to my good ol bowwow yeah =P

it was a great weekend away, i literally sat back and found myself transported to the magical wilderness of vermont (even more so because as the kid in the group i didn't have to do any planning/deciding/driving/directioning at all, how lazybeans i know). even though i'm definitely not a tree hugging freak kind of person, nature found a way of curling my lips into a smile on this trip, i'm glad i gave it a chance to. it was a mighty disconnect coming back to the city that never sleeps and life of neverending readings, i almost didn't want to.



when you wake up everyday
please don’t throw your dreams away
hold them close to your heart
we are all a part of the ordinary miracle
*ordinary miracle by sarah mclachlan

dear tien 

wishing you a 22nd full of wanderlust, oddshaped balls, and sordid little affairs =P hug!

please cut it out 

cause when you lie, you not only betray my trust, you also insult my intelligence.

don't give me choice 

so while i'm turning in my sheets
and once again i cannot sleep
walk out the door and up the street
look at the stars beneath my feet
remember rights that i did wrong so here i go

and maybe someday we will meet
and maybe talk and not just speak
don't buy the promises cause
there are no promises i keep
and my reflection troubles me so here i go
*same mistake by james blunt

sharon's favourite from the new album, mine too =) james b. speakes to me in the anguish of his song. it is the last of the warm fall nights, i have the tender loving anguished voice playing on repeat, a cup of english tea letting off steam by my stack of readings, memories of days gone by flying in my head... everything perfectly set for a quiet october night of self-indulgent, self-inflicted, self-serving melancholy. no holds barred.

i hate myself for believing you!

i'm not calling for a second chance
i'm screaming at the top of my voice
give me reason but don't give me choice
cause i'll just make the same mistake again

are you a freshman 

there are few things more important than to know oneself.

i had a lively lead up to the weekend... engaging in hardball politics with JH, licking crumbs cupcakes with WH, wolfing down asean food with a motley crew, dealing cards at starbucks with WH, KT, and JM, and flipping frisbee at 1am with KT and JM. it was all prettyfabulous =) but when the weekend wound around and i quietly asked myself what was it i really wanted, i ended up turning down five offers to spend the saturday. i paused to get to know myself, only to be forced into the realization that i was tired, tired of cruel intentions; tired of great pretensions; tired of screaming infidelities; tired of trying, tired of needing, tired of wanting; tired of being oceans apart from the ones i feel comfortable with; just tired baby.

i have been thinking of going back in winter for a haircut (among other things of course, settlers would have been high on the list my dears!), but i know full well that it is not time, yet, and if i even dare set foot on the little sunny island, i would be nothing but a prisoner in the place i call home. the tragic truth is that i am so afraid of home.
* * *
it has been a devastating day for the all blacks. but see you in 4 years, hell yeah i'll wait.

loving angels instead 

still sitting there with your legs crossed
not paying attention to me
if we talk just curious
would this end up like it always does
all the wrong i've done all the wrong i'll do
keeps me from trying it keeps me quiet

throw out your arms to each side
it's easier to let things go
when we talk think what we say there's questons
then silence and in silence we remain
all the wrong i've done and all the wrong i'll do
it keeps me from trying keeps me from calling you

something i just found out something you know by now
hope makes you so strong strength keeps you alone and far away
*what would i say to you now by jimmy eat world

ankles suck 

twisting both ankles separately within 24 hours is incredibly LAME, in all senses of the word. i literally had to sit on the steps and transfer my ankle guard from right foot to left foot o_o oh what a mess.

where did the weekend go 

that's the sunday night question. every sunday when the evening dim rolls along, i suddenly remember that i have done no work all weekend and attempt damage control. i shuffle my readings into butler library, conquer them furiously for an hour or two, dash to dodge gym for a run before midnight closing, nip back to butler to reconquer the readings, then stroll home in the dead of the night, iced coffee in hand. so loopy, but secretly i kinda like it =)

this weekend, no the entire week actually, has caught me pretty much out of breath. monday it was president ahmadinejad's speech with AN, tuesday it was my first practice with nyrc, wednesday it was classclassclass, thursday it was senator barack obama's rally at washington square park with FM, friday it was chinatown dinner with DY aka yoda, saturday it was the ubf fall retreat in jersey, sunday it was the cloisters and the medieval festival with DK and his friend TL, and home cooked dinner with DK and more of his friends JT and EN, and of course, the butler-dodge routine to top it off. what? it's tuesday already...yelps!

while i'm at the whingeing, i shall confess that i've been eating too much for my own good. my heads, shoulders, knees, and toes,haha no actually my face is velyfat and i am velysad. i hope you all will still love me velymuch so keep emailing and snailmailing me okay mates.

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS