the decemberists 

fall to fly 

the 24 page research paper has finally been bled out,i could proceed to the proof-reading, or let out a victory whoop, but let's talk about the semester that has passed. it's been a mélange of hits and misses... i developed a solid interest in japanese politics(!); i ploughed through close to 3,000 pages of IR readings; i survived fifteen weeks of a high level class i only happened to register for randomly; i made new friends; i fell out of favour with the oddshaped ball, but i never gave it up; i watched my first live american football match; i ate my first white castle burger; i travelled to new jersey, vermont, boston, new haven, and revisted london; i never found the time to visit a major new york tourist attraction; i got used to dodge gym but have yet to regain my full fitness, although i did manage a one-off PB of 23:06; i became addicted to cupcakes; i attended two bible study groups but barely connected with either; i had japanese curry for almost every meal i cooked, i turned twenty-two. i fell in love with columbia, i kinda warmed up to new york.

i have been blessed with many good days, but i can't forget the bad days as well. days spent dragging myself from downtown back to upper west side with a twisted ankle, days spent furiously typing out notes in the computer lab till 4am after my laptop became just an ugly black screen, days spent defending myself against a manipulative person with no one to fall back on, days spent fighting the urge to click on certain names in my msn window. BUT. but the bad days exposed me to the kindness of strangers and taught me what it meant to be a kind stranger, and these were the things i believe i would never have learnt had i remained in the comforts of london, or home. this city has given me some dark days, some tough times, but in the end i hope that i will be able look myself in the eye and say that i have become a better person first, then a better friend. that'd be enough.

thank you FM and AD my partners in crime, KT my weekend travel buddy, JM my late night buddy, JH my gsas events buddy, TH my avery study buddy, and my old time favourites MS, XW, HC, YT, JT, SG, JC who are often just a msn conversation away, for pulling me along all this while. spring semester is going to be intense, i need to be crazy consistent looking at the amount of stuff lined up, but guesss what, after that it's home sweet home =)


and this, is the home i have been dreaming of.

dreaming of a white christmas 

we didn't get a white christmas in new york this year, but i guess strolling the empty streets with a couple of friends, a warm cup of starbucks gingerbread latte in hand, works fine =) this is actually my first christmas away from family but it's been chrismassy enough a day, not forgetting christmas dinner later at the jung's. merry christmas my dears!

to the girl who calls the paper shop irints, the girl who had a hard time eating my peach at jacks place, the girl who endured three muddy days with me after the A's, the girl who recognizes the phrase 'youtube psyche up!', the girl who taught me how to shoot hoops in the rain at sentosa, the girl who watched crying out love in the center of the world with me, the guy who finds cleaning his bathroom therapeutic, the guy who grocery shopped at the huge tescos with me at 4am, the guy who manages the spongebob account, the girl who introduced me to chai latte, i carry you in my heart; because i know no matter where i go... i will never find friends like you.

geek speak 

we walked past jonathan spence at yale today =D

eat, drink, and be merry 

it was a good way to end the semester =) plus after that lennon got to satisfy his alcohol craving, jason didn't have to drink alone in his room, and kay, well he turned bright red from baileys and milk. oh, but mr-high-pitched-flatmate fussed us for being being too noisy, what a moron. finals are all over now, but i still have a research paper to work on so i guess i'll mull over on the past semester again after this last hurdle is crossed. the thing is, when will this freaking happen, i'm writing so slowly that... i dunno what to say but shitterbuggers!
* * *
not going home this winter was a choice i had to close my eyes and plunge into, not for the sake of time, money, or wanderlust, none of these lame excuses i randomly toss at people. but only because for reasons that you and i know of, i have to become strong first, before going home; and if i don't succeed within the next six months, i probably never will.

in the end it's still one day at a time.

long day's journey into night 

2am: struggled to fall asleep with too many rugby thoughts keeping me all pumped up.
7am: woke up feeling cold and weak, ran out of oj, had to down a can of coke for energy.
845am: gruelling 8 minute walk to take the exam with mad winds bullying me around.
1130am: scrambled a disastrous essay on nuclear strategy, this will cost me dear i fear.
4pm: fell asleep for four hours straight after watching numerous episodes of boxing anime.
8pm: dragged my lazybones for a workout and run in the gym.
10pm: blueberry martinis with farah at sip bar, wahey wahey.
now: feeling a bit woozy, a bit worried, a bit whee. ah well.
next up: 20 page research paper, when will all this end?!

till the day 

say to those who are fearful hearted do not be afraid
the Lord your God is strong with His mighty arms
when you call on His name He will come and save
say to those who are broken hearted do not lose your faith
the Lord your God is strong with His loving arms
when you call on His name He will come and save

He will come and save you He will come and save you
say to the weary one your God will surely come
He will come and save you
lift up your eyes to Him you will arise again
He will come and save you

He is our refuge in the day of trouble
He is our shelter in the time of storm
He is our tower in the day of sorrow
our fortress in the time of war
He will come and save you

thanks ya all 

for the phone calls, the text messages, the facebook messages, the cards, the presents, the soon-to-be presents, the dinner, the cake, the love =) twenty two, ya-ha, even though it was most ironic that i probably caused everyone to get carded at the turkish restaurant, including the 'uncles'. hehe!

twenty two the years can hardly catch up
with the years of playing catch up
must there always be a catch
what we really want is just ahead just over that hill
and the more i learn the less i try to climb
the more we change the more we wish we stayed the same
the more we try to fake ourselves into beliefs
the grass must be green somewhere
*twenty two by the good life

gym class heroes 

this afternoon i was the in dodge gym doing sit ups and minding my own business when i glanced to my left and caught sight of an old-ish guy, knee guard on both knees and all, lying prostrate on the mat looking like he was in pain (actually he was just stretching). concerned, or nosy as some of you would prefer to call me, i did a double take only to realize... he was professor RB! seeing the big guy who sets these killer exams and who is a highly regarded specialist on amerikan secruity policy from this angle was well, just a little bizarre. but respect earned =)

i just remembered, this is way less bizarre than what happened to TH some time ago, he actually bumped into his professor from FU while the prof. was enjoying his sauna, naked. um, surely that counts as trauma?

edit: nein, TH says it's not trauma because you get a chance to be superior to your prof. in one miniscule aspect for once. LOL.

war of the worlds 

a world made up of just the two things i once thought would complete my life, a world i only truly lived in for three weeks in my entire existence, a world that somehow always had to move further each time i got a chance to take a step closer, a world i once chose to give up, a world that once silently turned its back on me, a world i convinced myself does not exist, if only because at least one of those two things belongs to a different world from the world that i come from; well well well, some things still trigger my memories of that world. to want something and to know you can win, but to take a decision not to fight for it for whatever reason, is a painful predicament to be in, a long painful path. i know that feeling all too well.

but i have not lost my strength. somewhere along the way, i realized that i do not always have to fight for myself, i do not always have to claw at my insane dreams, nor to raise my claws at the people who have done me disservice (he-he). there are some battles He has promised to bear on my behalf. i can only undo my heavy armour and get some rest.

'Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried. Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities. The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him.'
-Isaiah 53:4-6

my salvation lies 

whenever TH and i part ways, he always says to me "enjoy sports!" i love this expression. of the things that make us happy, exercise has got to be one of them. the foodie culture seems to be all the rage now, not that there's anything wrong with that, i like reading about good food and eating good food too, but... when there are people out there who lead a life that is all about food with not one morsel of though placed on exercise, and they think the world of this lifestyle, and worse still have other people envying their lifestyle, i find it all kinda disturbing. come on man, eat as much as you want, but exercise as much as you can; i think that's a pretty reasonable rule to live by =)
* * *
it's snowing so much and it feels quite sweet actually, to walk home amidst the falling snow. just that, it makes me miss home, somehow. and the christmas mood isn't helping at all.

when i am alone when i've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
when i've lost all care for the things i own
that's when i miss you, that's when i miss you, that's when i miss you
you who are my home, you who are my home

in Your love my salvation lies
in Your love my salvation lies
*orange sky by alexi murdoch

righting wrongs 

i know there are some of you out there looking over my shoulder, my favours are always here for your taking and my company for your asking, for i have made this creed my own since coming to this city and revisiting the old; but, there is nothing more i can give you so don't expect. this is my choice, perhaps my burden, at least for now. and it feels like right.

so here i'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
i keep waiting for a change but i don't know what
so red turns into green turning into yellow
but i'm just frozen here on the same old spot
and all i have to do is to press the pedal
but i'm not

people are tricky you can't afford to show
anything risky anything they don't know
the moment you try well kiss it goodbye

so baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
and let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
where i get lost in space that goes on forever
and you make all the rest just an afterthought
and i believe it's you who could make it better
though it's not
*it's not by aimee mann

.

♥
JESUS BE THE CENTRE, BE MY SOURCE, BE MY LIGHT JESUS
JESUS BE MY VISION, BE MY PATH, BE MY GUIDE JESUS
BE THE FIRE IN MY HEART, BE THE WIND IN THESE SAILS
BE THE REASON THAT I LIVE, JESUS JESUS